Dear Diary

06th September 2025

Another day blurs into the next. I hadn’t slept at all, so by 5:00 AM morning I was crawling with restlessness and craving a cigarette. I wandered into the night, half-writing my blog, half-watching a web series, and completely lost in thought. Hours slipped by until I must have finally dozed off around 8:00 AM, only to be startled awake at 12:20 PM by the chant of Ganesha’s morning worship.

In the kitchen, I gulped water, and Mom asked me to reheat the tea. I drank it down, then went to freshen up. After my bath, I folded my hands before Ganesha’s idol. Mom explained the plan to carry him to the reservoir for his farewell, and reminded me to eat something before we left.

Office calls then came in—documents needed my signature—so I signed and returned them as quickly as I could. A small argument flared when I wanted to leave early; my guilt and the familiar ache in my chest pounded as I started the car. Mom and Dad climbed in, the clay idol tucked safely beside us.

Driving felt impossible when my heart and mind refused to align. It always happens, but with Ganesha’s departure it felt even worse. Thoughts of her dogged me at every turn; I carry them like a weight I cannot set down. At the reservoir, I performed the final rituals without shedding a tear, though inside I was breaking.

The ride home was silent—our car heavy with unspoken goodbyes. Back at home, the walls felt ordinary yet utterly devoid of peace. To distract everyone, I queued up a web series and uploaded my blog post—words I’d woven together while driving, raw and tangled with emotion.

No sooner had I hit “Publish” than a panic attack seized me. I wondered if she’d even read it. Desperate, I bolted to the corner shop and smoked two cigarettes in quick succession, laughing bitterly at my own failed plan to quit.

And now I’m here, writing my diary once more so that she can hear me. Even if she never does, I know, I carried her with me today.

07 September 2025

Today I am here again—another day to start with. The night didn’t end until 5:10 am. I woke at 10:00 am; seeing it was Sunday, I drifted back to sleep, half-listening to something on YouTube that I couldn’t name, only its sound. My eyes opened again at 12:10 pm, but after glancing at the screen, I closed them once more to escape everyone and everything.

They finally reopened at 3:00 pm to my parents’ silent stares. I forced a laugh and said, “It’s Sunday,” refused lunch, grabbed my car keys, and slipped onto the road with only her in my thoughts.

I pressed the accelerator without knowing where I was headed, veering off the highway onto quiet village lanes. I wanted solitude—even away from the hum of the engine. I switched on a random podcast and resisted checking the map; I just wanted to keep rolling. Every cremation ground I passed reminded me that death is inevitable, and panic seized me: what if I died before I could say sorry? Warm tears blurred the road as regret and longing washed over me.

A rough patch jolted me back to consciousness, and I finally glanced at the map. Realizing how far I’d strayed, I chose a route home and hit the accelerator again, still chasing a peace I couldn’t grasp.

On my way back, I stopped at a roadside restaurant—not out of hunger, but to hold still for a moment. I ate mechanically, tasting only the ache, I carried. Later at home, I washed off the dust, started a movie on Netflix, and began typing these woven memories. Today began with restless sleep and ended with restless thoughts; tomorrow, I hope to find stillness.

08 September 2025

Today, I went to bed early at 4:30 AM and woke up at 9:30 AM. My body resisted rising, but I forced myself to get up. After showering and dressing, I slipped quietly out of my home.

A company vehicle was waiting; drivers often wait for hours, and I always pity them. I asked the driver to take me to Hyderabad for an appointment at the regulatory authority. When he gestured to turn on the radio, I declined.

While in the vehicle, I began meditating and called Cucii. The blaring horns disturbed me, so I put in my earbuds. Meditating, I called her again and envisioned her walking down a street lined with V-shaped lampposts. I’m unsure if I truly connected, but that’s the image I saw. I worked to still my mind, which kept yearning for her, and I continued my meditation.

Then I recalled the astrologer I had tried to reach, so I called her again after her previous silence. To my surprise, she answered immediately. I asked about consulting Ramanand Guruji. She said she would send me a video to watch and asked me to message her once I’d finished. I clicked the WhatsApp link and watched the videos, learning that he is a renowned scholar who practices telepathy. I messaged her that I was ready for a consultation on Friday; we agreed on the fee and details.

Meanwhile, I visited the regulatory office I had set out for. On the return journey, I stopped by a barber shop. My heart and mind were racing.

I brought alcohol home to keep me from messaging her if I drank. I locked myself in my room and began drinking. Knowing I would still message her if sober, I finished my stash, drove out to buy more, hoping the alcohol would numb my impulses. Eventually, the drink overwhelmed me, and I collapsed into bed. Though the thoughts persist, I’m closing my day.

09 September 2025

Morning

At 9:00 am, a wave of panic crashes over me. I can’t bear it—her face and our last conversation assault my thoughts with every heartbeat.

By 9:30 am, the urge to flee home becomes irresistible. I slip out the door, load the washing machine with clothes as if guided by some abnormal instinct, and climb into the office vehicle.

My colleague briefs me on pending tasks at the site office, but I keep messaging her instead. I top up my mobile plan just to reach her again. Only then do I realize how wrong I’ve gone and begin begging for her forgiveness.

Afternoon

I run through the rest of my office duties without any real focus. Finally, I head toward Hyderabad, my eyes glued to her photos on my phone.

I stop at the municipal corporation office and then at the electricity department to settle official matters. Even amid formal discussions, her image haunts every word I speak.

On the return journey, I meditate in the vehicle, desperate to calm my mind. When I arrive home, I lock myself in my room and stare at her pictures for hours, tears quietly rolling down my cheeks.

Evening

A knock on the door snaps me back to reality—my mother, calling me for dinner. I refuse and return to my meditative state.

In my mind, I hear her voice scolding me, asking “What?” I whisper “cucii, cucii, cucii,” then plead for forgiveness. She asks where I’ve been; I admit I was trapped by my own ego and selfishness. She tells me to live with that. I protest that I can’t live without her, and she counters, “How did you live so long, then?” I confess I’ve been dying bit by bit. She says she needs time to think, and my heart sinks.

I break the meditation, find the leftover alcohol from yesterday, and drink it down. I start a podcast on my phone, let its voice lull me, and drift into sleep. When I wake, the day is over.

14 September 2025

I finally rolled into bed at 5:30 AM and somehow woke up again at 9:30 AM to my parents’ concerned faces. I mumbled that it was still Sunday, crawled back under the sheets, and drifted off until 1:30 PM.

Around 1:30 PM I forced myself up, did the usual bathroom ritual, grabbed the vehicle keys, and told my parents I was heading out. My head was spinning with one thought: escape. When Mom asked if I’d eaten, I lied that I’d grab something outside—I couldn’t bear another question right then.

Once I was alone in the car, I floored the accelerator without a destination in mind. An hour later I realized I’d driven down a dead-end road. Pulling over, I opened Google Maps and, before peeking at the screen, whispered an apology to Cucii. The weight of everything—her love, her journey to India, the cold silence that followed—cracked me open. My eyes filled with tears. To quiet the storm in my head, I tuned into a podcast, but guilt kept pressing in: how badly I’d hurt someone who’d moved heaven and earth for me.

Tears blurred the windshield until I unlocked my phone and messaged her again, begging for forgiveness. The road home suddenly looked familiar. I turned around and arrived back at 8:00 PM. I stopped for booze—my third drink this week—and slipped back inside, pretending to be sleepy. After dinner I barricaded myself in my room, poured a stiff one, pressed play on the podcast, and drank until I passed out.

Today was a mess of running, hiding, and regret. I feel ashamed of how I let fear and pride drive my actions. But in the quiet between sips, I could almost feel the hope that maybe I’ll find the strength tomorrow to face her—and to face myself.

18 September 2025

9:00 AM

I woke with a heavy heart, immediately reminding myself not to disturb her today. Every promise I’ve broken makes my words feel worthless, and I hate that she might read my messages and feel the same.

With tears still fresh, I brushed my teeth and washed up, determined to escape any forced conversation with my parents. I told them I’d grab breakfast at the office and slipped out.

As I walked toward the road, I remembered the driver had asked for a little extra time. My plan to avoid talking worked perfectly—I kept walking until my phone told me I’d gone only ten minutes, though it felt like hours.

When the car finally appeared, I climbed into the back seat and stared out the window, hoping silence would settle around me.

On the ride to the site office, I tried to meditate but every honk shattered my focus. I asked the driver to hold the horn and requested two cigarettes at the next stall. Between nicotine and dim thoughts, I found myself drifting back to her—she’s always there, whether I want her to be or not.

In the office lobby, I ordered my usual black coffee. One drag of a cigarette later, I felt the familiar void—why does nothing in life make sense anymore?

I opened my laptop to finish my resume. A colleague approached, curious about the argument with my boss the day before. I deflected and admitted I want to leave Hyderabad—anywhere but here. He asked me to send my resume once it’s ready, and I finally had to admit that I will.

I glanced at my phone, hoping for a message from her. When nothing came, I pushed the thought away and asked my subordinate if anything needed my attention. He brought invoices for signature and reminded me of his upcoming leave for Durga Puja, which starts on the 28th.

Time feels strange these days—nights stretch on, days vanish in a blink. In February I was in Zambia chasing memories of her; next, I’ll chase a new city in China, this time with no expectations.

I finalized a Statement of Work for vendor onboarding and joined a call to close an old contract. Between tasks, I kept drafting my resume. By the time I glanced at the clock again, it was already 7 PM.

I couldn’t help it—I messaged her, explaining I held back messages all day because I didn’t want to hurt her peace. Sending it felt like laying my heart bare.

7:30 PM

The driver asked if I could drive home myself to finish his errands. Behind the wheel, I wondered why I keep returning to the same house where my parents wait for words I can’t give. I long to find a job far away, but then I think of them alone in their old age—would my absence bring them peace, or break them?

At home, I poured tea and locked myself in the bathroom to smoke. I told them I wasn’t hungry. Alone, I stared at her pictures and let the pain wash over me—I want to own this sorrow until the day she might forgive me.

Reflections

I write this hoping that someday she reads these lines and understands how empty I am without her. Until then, every promise I keep—even the promise of silence—feels like the only thing I can offer

23 September 2025

Sorry diary, I have not written for days. The mind is not stable and slowly I am gaining no interest in doing anything. It’s like a part of my body is rotten and getting damaged worse each day. I am losing interest in doing things, but this is my Cucii, so I will keep doing this.

I started my day at 11:00 AM—don’t judge me, I don’t get sleep at night. I finally slept at 6:00 AM. I had the privilege of being head for my organization, so I’m supposed to reach between 9:30 and 10:30 AM. I compensate by working extra in the evening, just to delay going home where my parents’ eyes silently demand some sort of communication.

After my morning routine, I left home in the company vehicle. The driver always grumbles because he has to wait for me. Today I sat in the front seat instead of my usual spot in the back. I closed my eyes and tried to meditate—thinking nothing, letting visions come. I saw her again, standing in a desert beside some vehicle. I don’t know if it’s true or just meditation, maybe one day Cucii will tell me.

We hit a bump and I jerked awake. I asked the driver if I’d been snoring, he said I didn’t. These days I can’t tell when I’m asleep, meditating, or dreaming.

At CEIG, I asked about our approval file. He said some drawings are still pending. I called the consultant, the discussion got heated, and I shouted until he promised to finish within a week. Then I remembered yesterday I’d shouted at my mom when she asked for tea. I’ve been short-tempered only with those closest to me, even though meditation should calm me. I regret both incidents.

Back in the car, I told the driver to take me home—though I never want to go there. My phone broke yesterday, so I can’t log into my laptop without the authenticator. With nothing else to do, home felt like the worst option. I told the driver to swing by our future Amazon site nearby. I closed my eyes again, drifting between sleep and meditation, feeling an intense urge to talk to someone.

We finally pulled up at my house around 5:30 PM. I locked myself in my room with another laptop and started watching Lucifer. After a while, I meditated until 9:00 PM. Then I grabbed the vehicle keys for a short drive, smoked a cigarette on the way back, and now I’m here writing.

Dear diary, I will end this day after writing my landing in Lusaka / Zambia.

25 September 2025

The angel of death lost his door. I slept early yesterday—after all, it was a two-day sleep. This morning I woke to a loud clang and discovered someone crying. I stepped into the corridor and saw a neighbour in the common porch. When I asked who was crying, he shook his head: none of them knew, only that someone below our flat had been taken to the hospital that morning.

We hurried down the stairs to find an ambulance parked in the porch. The father knelt beside the gurney, sobbing, while his wife and daughter stood close, their faces streaked with tears. Through the window I saw the young son clinging to his father’s lifeless body, begging him to wake. I froze, hand pressed to my head, then retreated home in a daze. I don’t know why, but I washed, dressed, and drove to the office as if nothing had happened.

At my desk, I poured black coffee and lit a cigarette, but I couldn’t meditate—his pale face in that ambulance kept flashing before my eyes. I remembered how he’d helped me during my mother’s illness just three days ago, even asked if I’d buy his home. My laptop wouldn’t log in because my phone was broken and needed to approve the sign-in, so I battled tech delays until noon, answering every pending email and smoking three cigarettes along the way. I tried meditating in the office, but horns and my own restless thoughts thwarted me. I drove the company car to a “quiet” spot—horns followed—then stopped at a cigarette shop for three more.

Missing Cucii, I replayed that video about self-restriction born of emotional blocking and how no one can unlove the one they truly love. I vowed I’d never stop asking her forgiveness. That morning I messaged her—confessed everything except that final plea—and logic dissolved; only she mattered.

Later, I went to the airport with a colleague to meet someone from Microsoft. We talked until office ends. Twice I excused myself to call my parents about the end-of-life ceremony. They told me that by the time I return, the rites will be over—ashes scattered, bones set afloat in the river. I’ll never see him again. I’m amazed at how death reshapes everything: old fights become regrets; love hardens into memory.

On the way back, I passed his home. The noise had fallen to a hushed grief; every face was drawn, every step heavy. At home, over a cup of tea, my mother trembled on the verge of tears, so I spared her questions and slipped into meditation instead. I found myself before a traditional building of arched tombs and shuttered windows. When I pressed deeper, she appeared—black top, blue jeans—so vivid I reached out before the vision faded.

And now I sit here, finishing this diary entry, carried by loss yet clinging to hope and the promise of forgiveness.

26 September 2025

I woke up at 8:30 AM, went out to the porch, and felt a haunting silence. I realized that the mourning for the dead person was now confined to the quiet around me. I went to the washroom and sat on the toilet seat, thinking about yesterday. A knock sounded on my door and my mom called me for tea. I took the cup, closed the door to smoke, and after finishing, went back to the washroom to bathe. Once I got dressed, I asked my mom for snacks, and she brought fried cashews and fritters. I’ve been like this since last Monday, when the fast started. I finished eating and left for work.

Today I needed to visit Hyderabad again for the occupancy certificate. In the car, I didn’t try to meditate; instead, I thought about the person who died yesterday. I reflected on how life ends and how nothing can be claimed once you’re gone. I messaged Cucii, poured out all my feelings, and asked her to reply so we could find closure. She didn’t respond, as usual. I thought she might regret it one day—when I’m no longer here.

I closed my eyes in the vehicle, trying to picture her face, but the dead man’s face kept flashing before me. To my surprise, I must have dozed off, because I arrived at my destination without noticing. The driver called me, and to hide my grogginess, I asked him to drop me in the parking lot to wait for the sub-vendor. I sat there for a while, trying to regain full consciousness.

After some time, I stepped outside the campus—none of the buildings allow smoking indoors now. While I was smoking, my vendor waved at me. I asked if we’d get the OC today; he said yes, so we went to check if the director was at his desk. He wasn’t. We asked his assistant when he’d return and were told he’d be there by 4:30 PM. I agreed to wait in the vendor’s office, even though I knew I’d have to talk to people.

I then called the person I’d met yesterday to ask about a job. I feel I’m punishing my parents every day with my dead-pan face and want to stand on my own in a far location. He gave me some leads, but I know they won’t work. I sat on the vendor’s sofa scrolling through reels until a news headline about India–China flights caught my attention. It said direct flights won’t resume until the end of this year and might start in early 2026. I was only expecting a November 2025 restart. The article explained significant changes in air-coordination policies and agreements.

I remembered a quote I read yesterday: no one can unlove someone they love—you either don’t love them, or you do. Glancing at my phone, I realized it was already 4:30 PM. I’ve noticed that when I think too deeply, time slips away.

I asked the driver to take me home, convinced the director wouldn’t show up today. I blamed government authorities, as usual, for India’s slow progress. I closed my eyes in the car again and tried to sleep. The driver, thinking I was asleep, speed through the heavy rain. I felt it but stayed silent. These days my motto is “just leave it—whatever it is, I just need peace.”

Only those who truly care—my parents and sister—feel the change in my attitude. Maybe I don’t want them to worry about me anymore. Their concern now only hurts because of how I’ve become.

On the way, my mom called and asked me to bring something; I refused. I got home after a while and felt no peace there, either. I went to my room, closed the door, meditated for a while, and then ate some snacks. Here I am now, writing today’s diary.

27 September 2025

I woke at 8:30 AM, the decision to not message her still firm in my chest. In the washroom’s quiet, I rehearsed my resolve. Stepping outside for water, I glimpsed my parents chatting and felt the familiar pulse of obligation. I darted back to my room before they could ask me to join, only to be beckoned seconds later by my mother’s “Tea?” I lied that I wanted more sleep, escaped under my blanket, and convinced myself I was awake—until noon’s hush dissolved into my unremembered slumber.

When I stirred at 12:20 PM, the weight of the Saturday safety meeting pressed on me. I joined the Teams call—halfheartedly watching presentations before my heavy eyelids betrayed me again. It was 1:30 PM when I reemerged. Emails and calls to colleagues felt mechanical; my heart kept drifting to her. Mom’s snacks offered a small comfort—seven days of the same flavors, each crunch anchoring me to routine.

At 3:00 PM I took the car keys, hoping motion might quiet my mind. Driving, memories of us blurred the road; I pulled over, played a podcast, and stashed my phone in the back seat—an act of self-preservation against the urge to text. Pain shivered through me: not just longing, but guilt—what if my silence wounds her more than my words? Lucifer’s lines echoed: love defies logic; vulnerability can feel like weakness.

By 8:30 PM, I was home in spirit if not body. I sat with my parents for five minutes as a bluff, then locked myself away. Our website awaited: I restructured every page, published a new letter telling her I can’t message her, and begged forgiveness for reopening old wounds. I shared my China plan—this time with no expectations.

Later Lucifer was played on into the late hours. Love’s illogic washed over me: hell, and heaven, angels and devils, a detective who is human. If true love means staying committed, then I am bound. I slipped into bed at 2:30 AM, heart alight with the memories of Bokaro, Hyderabad, Kerala, Shimla, Thailand—and the short, perfect moments we shared. We did that back in China 2012, when I was leaving, I never thought of this to happened, but we did that. I never imagined waiting forever, yet here I am, convinced that this impossible love is the only life I want.

28 September 2025

I woke at 9:30 AM with love’s quiet ache in my bones. Sleep reclaimed me until 1:30 PM—hours swallowed by haze. Afternoon found me on the porch, replying to emails without caring. A colleague bound for Abu Dhabi called as I left for the airport, but I barely registered his job news; my mind was on her.

It was a courtesy call—no interest, just another reminder of what I can’t say. The phone lay untouched afterward. Back in my room, I danced to songs that carried her name in every note, only to break down in the corner, tears for my luckless heart rather than for her.

Evening brought my sister and niece—cheery intruders. I hushed them with news of a neighbor’s death and slipped back inside, grateful for the excuse to hide. Before shutting the door, I ate the same snack I’ve been eating for seven days, its stale comfort lulling me into writing until 10:00 PM.

And here I am, pouring my soul into these lines: I miss you, Cucii. Please forgive me.

2nd October 2025

Today is the holiday for the Dusshera festival. It is believed that Rama, the god, killed Ravana on this auspicious day. Ravana is a demon, and the demon inside me—my selfishness—also wants to be killed.

I woke up at 9:30 AM and, as usual, to avoid communication I fell back asleep. After several attempts, I finally woke up at 1:30 PM. I washed myself immediately, knowing my parents would be unhappy because it’s a festival. Though I had a heated argument with my mother yesterday, I knew it was my fault, and I have not liked talking much these days, so I kept myself locked in my room until morning.

After cleaning up, I bowed before God and asked for a few things—Cucii is my priority. My parents urged me to eat, and to avoid any conversation I told them I wasn’t hungry and locked myself in my room again. I started meditating inside; I sat there for almost an hour. Though I couldn’t concentrate, I kept trying.

I emerged at 4:00 PM and saw they’d gone to rest. I took some food on a plate and cried. I felt the loneliness and depression inside me—I kept eating and crying, as if I needed to let it out.

During meditation today, I felt like Cucii was calling me. Even after stopping myself many times, I messaged her on WhatsApp: I told her I’m with her and that in every decision she makes, I will be there. After eating, I rushed outside, took the car, and hit the road—I wanted to go somewhere, though I never know where.

Today, I knew: I wanted to go to the cremation ground. In India, bodies are cremated by burning on wood with scented materials. I wanted to see someone being cremated—to see if the guilt inside us also gets burned. But no one was there for cremation, so I drove on.

I remembered a Lord Shiva temple nearby and felt an instinct pull me there. I parked almost on autopilot. I was numb, yet I walked inside, bowed before God with wet eyes, and pleaded silently. Then I sat in the temple porch to meditate. I tried to communicate with Him—and I felt a response. I will tell this to Cucii when we meet again.

When I left the temple, I found myself smiling, as if I’d been talking to someone. A girl was staring at me—her eyes asking who I was speaking to. Others looked at me the same way. I returned to my car and drove home. It was around 7:30 PM when I got back.

I felt the urge to meditate again, so I sat for another hour, trying to see Cucii. To my surprise, I saw her at her home—first in what looked like a farm store area, where a bag marked “Zhanglion” sat. Then I saw her with family—perhaps her sisters and mother—having dinner. I think she may be in China.

I messaged her on my website instead of WhatsApp this time. To divert myself, I started watching Enola Holmes 2 and then tried to sleep. The day closed there.

3rd October 2025

Today I woke up at 8:30 AM, cleaned myself, and set off for the office.

My father was not feeling well, so I asked how he was doing today. My driver also asked to rest because he wasn’t feeling well, so I took the vehicle keys. I was relieved that the other car and driver were still available, and I asked him to drive me to the office.

On the way, he picked up a few colleagues. I dropped them off and then headed to the cluster head’s office for a discussion.

By 12:00 noon the discussion ended, and I made my way back to our office, stopping for lunch on the way.

As I ate alone, my thoughts drifted to the message I sent yesterday to Cucii. I remember telling her I would be there for every decision she makes in life. I wondered how hard it is to live up to even that small promise of not being selfish.

I asked myself, “Is the love we speak of really the same?” I thought, “If one day she tells me her happiness lies elsewhere, how would I bear that?” My reverie ended abruptly when the brakes were applied in the vehicle.

At the office, my colleagues immediately asked about pending work. I asked them to excuse me for a few moments so I could answer the questions that were haunting me.

I asked myself what I truly wanted, and my instant reply was that I wanted her. I asked again, “Happy or unhappy?” and replied, “Happy.” But what if she isn’t happy because of me? I told myself then it might be better to leave this life. I paused and asked, “Would ending my life make her happy? And what about my parents?” I answered that they would mourn for a few days but eventually move on. “What about the guilt they would carry forever because of my death?” I replied it would be as painful as what I feel now. The next question was, “Do I want that for them?” I said no. Then I asked, “What do I want?” I answered, “I want her to be happy even if she isn’t with me. I will remove myself if necessary.” I realize that today I told myself if she is okay, it is better for me to vanish this way.

A drop of water rolled down my face. I rubbed my eyes and asked my colleague to bring me the topic that required my attention. They told me it was the MSRA activity stalled at the site, with a discussion scheduled at 3:00 PM. I said okay and asked for five more minutes before we tackled that topic.

I prayed to God for forgiveness and, in my thoughts, asked Cucii to choose me. I remembered my repeated failures and faults. I tried to message her on my website but discovered the internet was down due to an issue with the Wi-Fi equipment. I reviewed the problem details in preparation for the discussion.

The meeting with Microsoft began at 3:00 PM, where we raised our concerns about the delayed approval. It ended by 4:00 PM, and I spent the next two and a half hours applying for various jobs on LinkedIn, trying to connect with colleagues and share my resume. I want to remove myself from my parents’ lives as well; it would be better for them not to see me in this state of no contact and no communication. They know I’m dying inside every day—at least if I’m not there, they can believe I am okay.

I kept searching for jobs until 6:30 PM, when my colleagues said it was time to wind up. We left in the office vehicle and drove home. At nearly 7:30 PM, I arrived. My head was aching, and I tried to sleep in my room; this time the pain was real, not just a communication issue.

As I lay down, a phrase flashed into my mind from Cucii in anger: “Do you think I cannot live without you?” I did not reply—what could I say? She doesn’t understand that maybe she can, but I can’t live without her. I must have fallen asleep because at 11:30 PM I woke up and found nothing to eat. I grabbed a packet of biscuits and ate them. I’m still eating while writing today’s diary.

I forget to tell direct flight from India to China will start from 26th October 2025.

04 October 2025

I slept at 5:30 AM despite trying to fall asleep since 2:00 AM. I woke at 1:30 PM; there was no office, but I missed the weekly safety discussion scheduled for Saturdays.

I followed my routine: heated tea, drank it, and then cleaned. I sat for meditation from 2:30 PM and dozed off, waking around 4:00 PM. I tried to visit God today as I do every Saturday by going to the temple, but I couldn't see Cucii.

I cooked a meal for myself and ate. I wanted to watch the MBA session from the start of the third semester, but I only listened to a short lecture; I feel unmotivated when Cucii is not with me. I registered for a PMP course today in addition to the MBA I’m already doing. I wanted to stay busy, but I tend to delay things and live in her memory.

I filed my tax return on the last day. I paid last semester’s fees at the last moment and still haven’t paid this semester’s fees. I would get a tax exemption if I bought a car, and even though I’ve paid lakhs in tax since last year, I still haven’t bought one. I started the process once because I thought I would choose it according to her preference; while filing returns this year I again felt I should have bought it.

The electricity went out and I couldn’t finish the lecture, so I took a vehicle to the temple and stayed there until 7:30 PM before returning home. I tried to watch movies afterward but couldn’t concentrate or feel interest.

I remembered her plan to open a Chinese restaurant in Hyderabad and began searching for shops online. If I buy one now it could generate rental income, and later, if we’re together, we could start the restaurant. I’ve made this a priority and plan to purchase a shop this year. Now I have something to work on, and because it’s connected to Cucii, I feel more interested. The online listings were outdated, some three months old, so I started checking the details and contingencies for buying a shop in Hyderabad before writing this.

I toasted some bread for dinner. After this I’ll try to sleep and close the day.

05th October 2025

Today was a busy day. I woke up at 9:30 AM. After doing my regular work I went to buy vegetables from the market.

I came back by 12:00 noon. Every time I think vegetables are getting costly, though this time I did not feel that way. My unplanned Sunday trips showed me how much effort farmers put into bringing food to us. They do not have weekends or holidays. Owning farming work is a different kind of luxury, but it comes with extra responsibilities that fall entirely on the farmer and often without support.

I started my meditation and tried remembering her, but I could not see her. There was disturbance all week because my sister and niece were at home. I tried meditating for almost an hour and promised myself I will try again tomorrow until I can see her. Mom called for food around 2:00 PM when I finally finished meditating; I told her I was not hungry and would eat later. The real reason was to avoid chatting because every eye seemed to be on me.

Mom asked me to sit since my sister and niece were leaving today. I felt bad because I had hardly spoken to them this last week. On the other hand, I felt some relief that they do not know I am not okay. Yes, I am not okay because I do not accept this as an okay condition. I know my problems, so I usually keep them to myself, and I still think it is better not to disturb others. We talked about the neighbor who recently died and about some movies. We finished the discussion and food by 3:30 PM.

I ate because it felt courteous. When everyone went to rest around 4:00 PM I felt sleepy and went to bed. It might have been sleep or a dream of her—I do not know—but when I woke up it was 6:00 PM. My father told me I needed to drop my sister and niece home. I washed my face and took the vehicle key; everyone was ready to go.

On the road I asked for directions three times. I did not speak to anyone else during the drive. We returned home around 10:30 PM. My parents came with us to drop them at their home. I helped my mom get out of the car and walk to the lift. 

My mom started walking last month; she must feel some pain, but she keeps trying. At night I wrote half of this today and will upload tomorrow. The day will end within an hour, and so will I for the day.

06th October 2025

Today began at 9:30 am when I woke up. I did my regular cleaning and headed to the office. Before leaving, I posted a message on my website for her, because every morning I look for her messages and pictures on my phone—it’s become a ritual.

I don’t eat breakfast these days; it saves me from my parents’ questions. On my way to the office, I was thinking about her. Today I felt it might be better if she had someone else in her life. I understand her pain: after loving someone, she has grown cold because she no longer believes me. I know the money for marriage was the tipping point, but her distrust must have started long ago; I must have pushed her to feel that way. I feel my own pain so strongly—I imagine she must feel the same. I don’t want her to hurt anymore. I’ve already given her enough pain. I want her to have a family and children so she doesn’t remain as alone as I am, though it’s very painful to imagine all this.

When I reached the office, I inquired about the site work and was told some formalities are still pending. I applied for jobs on LinkedIn and Naukri and spoke with a consultant about my China visa—it’s nearly ready with just one month left. While writing this, I realized I need to book a flight; I checked Indigo on Sunday but didn’t see listings starting 26 October. October brings many expenses, especially with Diwali coming. I also discussed PMP certification and received a job call from Linesight. I talked about an opportunity at Lumina too, though I’m not sure what their plans are.

After all that, I edited yesterday’s diary entry and attended the scheduled discussion. I sent all required emails and wrapped up the day at 6:30 pm before heading home. I arrived at 7:00 pm and began meditating by 7:10 pm. I desperately wanted to see her today. I drifted off around 7:30 pm, woke at 9:00 pm to wash my face, then returned to meditation. In that state, I saw her in a historical place—a kind of amusement park or hill station with a small wooden house painted white or gray. There was a waterfall and a couple with her; I don’t know where it was. After writing this, I’ll look it up on Copilot.

I came out of meditation at 11:00 pm when my mother asked if I wanted food. Though I said no, she fried some rice and I ate it. Now I’m writing this diary. I have two things left to do tonight, and I’ll try to sleep before 2:00 am. I miss her so much. God, I hope she’s happy. I pray you’ll guide her to find happiness—whether that’s with me or elsewhere. And if you have another plan, please shorten my life; this pain feels unbearable. You know I won’t move on because I don’t want to, and it’s very painful. When you take my soul, please take my pain too.

I want to add one more thing: whenever I run this through Copilot for correction, it always gives me the number of some consultant or helpline asking me not to kill myself. It makes me laugh, but it also troubles me, because it reminds me how much pain I’ve caused her—and that she never messages me. If she ever reads this, I am sorry, Cucii. Please forgive me.

07th October 2025

I woke up around 9:00 AM and sent her a message on my website. I’ve messaged her only once in the last ten days. I thank myself for not disturbing her and not being selfish. The kiss I saw yesterday was so intense that I almost felt I actually kissed her, sucking her lower lip as she taught me once.

I completed my regular morning routine and got ready for the office. The car was waiting, and so were my colleagues. I boarded and headed to work, chatting briefly with them about our jobs and the current work culture. It was good information, since I also want to move on.

We reached the office, and to my disappointment the site work had not yet started; the team said the delay was from the Microsoft side. I expected a discussion with senior management, but it was canceled. I inquired about the Chinese visa, as the offices open on 9 October and I need to finalize it by tomorrow. A few agencies asked for hotel tickets with Chinese entry stamps, and I don’t know how to obtain those.

I remembered that I have been to Jinan several times but never stayed in hotels; this will be my first time. I wanted to ask Cucii, but I already asked her once earlier and don’t want to disturb her again. I will simply inform her this time about my visit. I plan to revisit all the places we went together to keep them in my heart.

I paid the fee for my MBA third semester today. After work, my mind drifted back to the day we bought the iPhone 6 and how happy she was. She’s always fond of high-quality products, while I tend to buy what’s practical rather than the best. I remembered this because I read about the craziness for the iPhone 17 and how people lined up overnight for it.

At 6:00 PM I left for home and, on the way, chatted with colleagues about the person who resigned from the Mumbai office. Unlike yesterday, I prepared tea first when I got home, and I smoked while drinking it. Then I began my meditation session, which lasted almost two hours. Meditation now gives me relief and brings me to a no-communication stage, which I enjoy these days.

During meditation I see her in my vision, which brings my thoughts to a numb stage where I clear my mind; sometimes I hold my breath for a few seconds to help. Today I saw her standing in front of a single large tree in a farmland-like place. She wore blue jeans and a gray or green top—I couldn’t see it clearly; maybe it was a winter coat. Everything was so foggy that I couldn’t make out her face distinctly.

I ate my meal in my room after meditation. I’m writing my diary for today and will close the day here. Miss you, Cucii.

09th October 2025

I woke up around 12:30 PM, did my regular morning work, and headed to the office immediately after my shower. I was already late; that thought rang like a bell in my head.

While traveling to the office, I wondered if I have insomnia, the sleep disorder. Do I need treatment? I slept at 5:00 or 5:30 AM, even though I had tried to fall asleep since 11:00 PM. This has been happening since she left. I remembered those days after the night bus to Hyderabad, next morning when I slept soundly hugging her. Sometimes, even when we fought, I would drift off, and she’d always complain. Back then, sleeping in her arms felt like I could face anything in the world if she held me that way forever. I’ve never felt the softness of her touch on my rough skin.

The car’s brakes brought me back from my thoughts: it’s office time. The same office I rarely want to return to, yet it gives me the luxury of revisiting the past while supporting me with my salary. I asked my colleagues about a few important topics and then got on with my regular work.

By about 4:30 PM, I’d completed most tasks, with a few items pending follow-up. I called the guy who made my “certificate of bachelorhood” in 2019 and asked about the visa process. He said I need to visit the embassy in Kolkata, which I’m not okay with. I thanked him and said I’d let him know. The visa office fees alone will cost me much and with that ₹10,000 for travelling, so I started searching for another consultant because consultant from Delhi dont ask for visit. At the same time, I looked up doctors who treat insomnia. Tomorrow I can’t go—I have a fully booked day visiting three Amazon data centers and handling their assignments. We also need to prepare cost estimates in the follow-up. So maybe Saturday or Sunday, but most doctors aren’t available on weekends. I decided to park this topic until Saturday.

I remembered I need to pay the PMP exam fee too, so I called her and planned to do it tomorrow at 8:00 AM. It was 6:30 PM when I left the office, and on the way I wondered if I should go home, eat something, and sleep before 9:00 PM. I should try that before seeing the doctor.

I asked myself why I can’t sleep. It feels like any free moment carries me back to thoughts of her, and I can’t close my eyes because her memory asks, “Where is she, and what did I do to her?” Every time, I answer myself that I killed her with my sword of selfishness. That thought makes my guilt wander with desperation and leaves me crying. I wondered how I could overcome this, and I felt that meditation is the only way: to empty my mind and meet her in my thoughts.

With that plan in mind, I felt eager to get home. On the way, I decided that even if I write this diary tonight, I will post it tomorrow morning—that will become my routine. I reached home around 7:00 PM and asked Mom for an early dinner so I could sleep by 9:00 PM. I drank the tea she brought and watched a TV series with my parents until 8:00 PM.

Today I followed that plan because I sense something changing within me. It feels like I have to prepare for something that’s about to happen. I have an intuition and realize that the only thing that matters to me is Cucii. I can’t explain it, but it’s happening. Anyway, I’m writing this diary while watching the series, and to be honest, I don’t know what it is nor am I interested. I’m only physically present here; mentally, I’m somewhere else.

I’ll have dinner shortly and then meditate. I know I get sleepy during meditation, so I’ll fall asleep then. Tomorrow morning I will post this—hopefully around 5:00 AM. That’s all for today. Good night, diary.

10th October 2025

The day was very busy and I barely had time to think about her. I visited three sites consecutively and, around 7:00 PM, I went out to buy the monthly groceries. I left the store at 10:10 PM. After such a tiring day I drove back home, which is almost 40 km away. I drove quickly and, after 37 minutes, I had covered 30 km and decided to take a break.

She flashed into my mind during that break. I whispered “I love you” and silently asked for forgiveness. I used the pause to smoke one cigarette. I reached home at 11:05 PM, ate dinner, and went to bed; my body was tired and aching. Even in bed I kept thinking about her. The thoughts felt different this time. Memories from the past surfaced and one question stayed with me: Is she my cucii? My cucii would never leave me or push me away, that belief clung to my mind. Is she the same cucii?

The night wrapped me in that thought and finally held me until sleep. I fell asleep at 2:00 AM.

11th October 2025

I woke at 9:00 AM still holding the same thought. I paused before sending a message at the site. The PMP consultant called to book my exam slot for tomorrow, and then I joined my MBA class. I tried to escape the thoughts from last night, but they lingered.

I attended the safety planning discussion organized by my company. I had lunch at around 1:30 PM and took a short nap after. I woke at 4:00 PM and practiced meditation. After meditation I went to the temple, and I understand I am trying to avoid the thoughts came yesterday, I decided I would record my thoughts when I returned.

I am now back from the temple and writing this diary. After this I will draft my blog and have dinner before sleep. I will close my entry here for yesterday and today.

12th October 2025

Today began heavy with feeling. I have missed Cucii since yesterday, and I told her that the same morning.

I messaged her on my website before anything else. Then I remembered I have to give the PMP exam today, which made my chest tighten for a moment.

I had tea and went to the market to buy vegetables. On the road I saw people selling fish and thought of how much Cucii likes fish. The memory of our Kerala trip came back vividly, remembering the delicious fish we ate there.

I left the market lost in my thoughts, took a U-turn, and on the way back remembered I needed to buy oil. I smoked one cigarette at the shop. After that I drove home, then realized I had forgotten my phone.

At home I started searching for it. When my parents asked what I was looking for, I said the phone and they suggested I must have left it at the market. I agreed and planned to go back after a bath. They warned someone might have taken it, and I told them it was hot outside and even if someone did take it, nothing of real value would be lost because people do not call me often, which surprised them.

After my bath I returned to the market and retrieved my mobile. I felt reassured, thinking that nowadays stealing electronics is harder because the government has made online complaints and tracking easier.

Back home, it was 1:00 pm and I ate lunch. I began looking at sample exam questions and realized I had not told Cucii that I enrolled in International Business as my MBA specialization. I considered other courses I could take after my MBA in that field and thought about telling her I did it so I could get a job near her.

At 2:30 pm I started downloading and running the exam software. I finished the exam at 7:00 pm. The questions felt more psychological than managerial, and my head hurt from working so hard after a long time. I reflected on last Friday being physically exhausting and today being mentally exhausting.

I shut the laptop, told my dad I was going out for a while, and took the vehicle keys to buy some curd because I have been facing indigestion these days. I smoked another cigarette and felt a deep pull toward Cucii, as if she were thinking of me too. I messaged her again on my website that I was missing her.

I came back, cooked rice for dinner, and saw Mom looking tired. I had dinner and now, around 11:00 pm, I am in bed writing this diary.

Miss you much Cucii.

13th October 2025

Yesterday

At night, I finally completed the long-pending task of setting up my monthly donation. I’d been meaning to do it for ages, and now that the automatic deductions are in place, I feel a deep sense of relief and pride.

Today

I woke up at 9:00 am and immediately tidied my room, as I always do to clear my head for the day ahead. I’ve also started keeping my conversations with my parents light and casual, and it feels comforting to share those small moments.

I carry Cucii in my heart, and for some reason today I felt a newfound confidence that she will come back to me. On my way to the office, I picked up a few colleagues who didn’t have rides, and we grabbed tea from our usual stall, arriving at work around 10:30 am.

We had a meeting scheduled with Microsoft at 11:30 am. We reviewed the agenda, but after waiting nearly an hour for the other team to join, the meeting was postponed. While I waited, my thoughts drifted to her—especially when KH, our Chinese colleague, popped into the chat.

After lunch, I dove into researching visa-assistance consultants. None of them seemed right. When the rescheduled Microsoft call finally started at 2:00 pm, it wrapped up by 3:00 pm, and I returned to chasing visa help.

I called each consultant one by one. Every single one asked for a confirmed hotel booking—how can I book without a visa? Explaining to them that the embassy needs a stamped reservation feels impossible when the staff barely speak English. I spent the afternoon browsing Dtrip, which many foreigners in China use, and bookmarked a few hotels to call tomorrow.

In a moment of desperation, I messaged Rose for advice, but she never replied. It hurts to realize that some grudges run that deep.

By evening, I was exhausted. When one consultant called at 7:00 pm, I snapped at her for bothering me so late and told her to call tomorrow. I shouldn’t have lost my temper, but after a day of setbacks, I couldn’t hold it in.

I forget to write that in morning, I shared my China plans with my mom. She lit up and asked if she had called me with excitement—when I nodded by waving head in acceptance, she warned, “Don’t you dare delay this time.” I promised I wouldn’t.

After dinner, I was checking my emails when I discovered I’d passed the PMP exam. Now I’m a certified Project Management Professional from PMI. I couldn’t help but smile as I updated my LinkedIn profile.

I tried to meditate afterward, but dizziness overtook me. I drifted off to sleep before 9:00 pm, the day closing in peaceful darkness.

Miss you, Cucii. Rose did not help me.

Also diary while updating this I came to know that I have not updated the yesterday's diary. Updating it now.

14th October 2025

I slept at 9:00 AM yesterday after a long meditation and woke at 1:30 AM in the middle of the night. I uploaded the diary I had written the day before and felt hollow because there was still no confirmation for my visa despite yesterday’s struggle.

I decided I would apply for the visa myself this week and started looking for other consultants. I scanned hotel sites, especially Dtrip that is popular in China, and searched for Cucii’s address to find somewhere nearby to stay. Her address led me to Licheng district, Gongeye Bi Lu. The hotels I found were clustered near the airport in Li Cheng district and I knew the airport was far from where she lives. Frustration tightened in my chest.

At 3:30 AM I left home to get tea and came back at 4:30 AM after a smoke. In my frustration I abandoned the hotel search and went into meditation. In those quiet moments she appeared again, like a flash in an airport scene, not whole, only glimpses that come when thoughts fall away. Meditation empties the mind and sometimes, for a second, she is there. I do not know if those glimpses mean anything; someday when I meet Cucii she will tell me.

I slept around 7:00 AM and woke at 9:00 AM. I messaged Cucii “Good morning” on our website, washed, and prepared for the day. By 9:30 AM I was in a vehicle heading to Hyderabad. My colleague was already there and we drove together for a meeting with the Labour Commissioner.

The meeting concerned money we needed to provide as ransom and I engaged our corporate affairs team to handle it. We left Hyderabad around 1:00 PM. On the way back several visa consultants called. Each asked whether I had a confirmed hotel, which I still had to arrange. I realized arranging everything myself would be difficult.

I considered forging the old invitation letter from Cucii and messaged her about it. She did not reply. Anger rose and memories of 2021 poured in. I remembered the Corona losses: about Rs 5 lakh lost from the marriage fund in shares and my salary cut by half in 2020. I had decided, riskily, to leave that organisation. I remember drinking that night and wondering how Cucii was coping.

The mutual funds were deep in loss and withdrawing then would have been disastrous, so I quit and promised that my final settlement would go to her. I quit around October or November 2020 and received the settlement in February or March. I uploaded the transaction card I had shared with her, but I never told her the whole truth. I told her it was the remaining money I pledged for marriage.

I also remembered the second wave in 2021 when salary delays in my new job pushed me to leave in July 2021. I ran my business because salary came only once in three months. Cucii used to say I should understand her even when she said nothing. Now I wondered why she did not understand me when I was tangled in visa trouble. Then I pulled myself back and decided there was no point in messaging Rose on WhatsApp.

I had a Microsoft discussion at 4:30 PM and noticed the time at 4:23 PM. The call finished at 5:30 PM and soon after we heard that the Adani–Google datacenter deal at Vishakapatnam was officially declared. That matters to me because I will have to look after the project.

I asked myself whether I really wanted to move out of Hyderabad or wait for her here. I had an opportunity in Mumbai and could not explain why I had not taken it. I let the question sit and talked with colleagues in the vehicle.

I reached home around 7:00 PM, had dinner with my mother, and returned to meditation which pulled me into sleep past 8:30 PM. I woke at 11:00 PM and wrote this diary. I will sleep after this and accept that the day ends here.

15th October 2025

The day began at 7:00 AM. I realized I had written the diary entry but hadn’t uploaded it. I took the tea my mother prepared and sat in my room. I noticed I still hadn’t completed the visa paperwork, so I decided to dedicate Thursday to it. I uploaded the diary and then proceeded with my regular cleaning. I took a bath, had some oats for breakfast, and left for the office.

At the office, most tasks went according to plan, including meetings and other activities. I kept thinking about the diary I had uploaded this morning. Did Rose never feel my pain? That thought was agonizing. I wondered if anyone could truly be unloved and, if so, why I lack that capacity in my heart, body, or attitude.

I still can’t tell whether I ever loved her or never did. I shook off those thoughts and worked like a machine. I don’t allow emotion to flow into me—it’s too painful today. I left the office and arrived home around 7:00 PM. I ate dinner and then watched short videos on my phone.

I didn’t think much until I finally understood that she left because she wanted to leave. All other reasons seem absurd. I never left her because I never wanted to leave her.

With this bitter realization, I began meditating and, around 2:00 AM, fell asleep. I tried to reach out to my cucii, but my mind was too consumed by thoughts, so I didn’t. That’s where the day ends.

16th October 2025

It was 11:00 AM when I finally woke, still haunted by her presence that had kept me awake all night. I’d already decided yesterday not to go into the office, so I filled out my visa form and even forged the invitation document for my upcoming trip. Before anything else, I joined an online discussion and signed the pending invoice papers.

I washed up and asked Mom for lunch. She looked at me curiously and asked, “When are you planning to go to China?” I met her eyes, offered a thoughtful smile like earlier, and said, “Next month.” Though I never spoke of seeing her earlier also, my simple nod conveyed my intention—Mom clearly believed I was serious about meeting her though I don't know if I will.

After eating, I asked Mom for the festival shopping list. She told me to buy some new clothes; I agreed and reminded her to write everything else down so I wouldn’t forget. When I headed into the city, the roads were busier than usual, it's due to festival in pipeline. I drove to a mall which my colleague had mentioned—one that opened two years ago but only came onto my radar recently. Inside, I bought a pair of shirts without hunting for discounts; I remembered how tight my pockets used to be and how she always resented those bargain buys at Inorbit. Determined to keep my promise to shop for us together this year, I looked for a dress for her, too, but nothing suited her style—and the one piece I loved wasn’t available in her XS size.

Leaving the mall, memories swirled as I passed by KFC and recalled how we used to share chicken pieces. I longed to have KFC with her again but realized I haven’t had any since 2019—not even on our Singapore trip. In Singapore also, I settled for an Indian restaurant near my hotel. On my way home, I stopped at a cigarette stall, smoked one while traffic crept along, and picked up a few household essentials.

I reached home at 8:30 PM, every muscle aching in a way I couldn’t explain. Aside from walking through the mall and nearly five hours of driving, I hadn’t done any real physical work—but my body felt exhausted. I tried to meditate, but my mind kept replaying moments with her. Eventually I ate dinner and finally called it a day.

17th October 2025

The day started at 10:00 AM, and I still felt tired from yesterday. The plan for today was to buy clothes for my parents and pick up my niece from her home. Once again, the day promised to be exhausting.

I began my normal routine of washing and knowing that Mom had had a long day too, I started by cleaning and cutting vegetables for vegetable rice. I also washed the utensils left in the basin. By around 11:00 AM, I had finished those tasks and went to my room to write yesterday’s diary entry. As planned, I called the visa consultant, but they were closed for the holidays. I was supposed to start my visa process today. I postponed it until Tuesday, the day after Diwali.

Then I started watching videos, trying to resolve the confusion that’s been bothering me for days: did I stop messaging her out of self-respect or love? A few days ago, I saw a video explaining the thin line between self-respect and ego. I watched and read more to clear my mind and decided to write a blog about it.

It was around 12:30 PM when my mother called me for lunch. We had lunch together with my parents. They discussed the plan for the rest of the day. After lunch, around 1:30 PM, my parents took a nap, and we left for the market. 

We visited one saree shop after another for my mother, and she finally found a saree she loved. After purchasing it, we went to the tailor for a fitting. 

We headed to my sister’s home around 4:30 PM, and by about 6:30 PM we had picked up our niece and were on our way back. On the way, we stopped at a store to buy clothes for my niece, and I was lucky enough to find a dress for my Cucii as well. My niece didn’t find anything she liked, so we decided to shop for her tomorrow.

We arrived home around 10:00 PM. During the drive, my niece complained that I never talked and always stayed silent. I asked her to play music of her choice in the car, and we took turns choosing songs—my parents, her, and me.

I was tired again and wanted to sleep, but I tried to write in my diary and couldn’t. I kept trying to sleep, but even though my whole body ached, I didn’t fall asleep until 2:00 AM. 

I returned to the question I’d started the day with: was it self-respect or love? I realized I’d been foolish to message her constantly—every now and then since 2019—until recently when I recognized my selfish behavior and how it might have hurt her. I understand now that by messaging her, I was only reopening her wound. If she feels love for me someday, she’ll message me herself.

She knew I would wait for her my whole life, and if she doesn’t, then I don’t deserve her love. The love I feel might be one-sided, and all the hurt I caused may have become a burden for her. I don’t want to be selfish and weigh her down again. With that thought, I stopped messaging her.

It’s surprising that since September 28, 2025, I have only messaged her twice: once when I thought she was calling me, and once when I needed help with my visa. Earlier, I was so frantic that I would have bombarded her with endless visa invitation mail reminders. Even this time, though I wanted to reach out, I held back because I know that even if she is interested to reply, the pain of the wound I gave her is holding her back, and I don’t want to deepen her suffering by pestering her. One day when she will feel the love, is healing her rather scratching, she will reply by her.

I wrote my blog about this and called the day off.

It’s already 4:00 AM, and I still want to meditate, because it’s the only place I feel close to her. But the ache in my body won’t let me sit.

Forgive me. Good night Cucii.

18th October 2025

The day began at 11:00 AM, and today is Dhanteras—the auspicious festival of spending. For the past ten years, I’ve followed the ritual of buying gold on this day. Although my purchase is usually small, I aim for about ten grams. My day didn’t truly start until I’d finished my morning routine.

My parents and niece were ready, so I ate breakfast and we set off for Hyderabad. When my niece said she wanted to go to Inorbit Mall, a wave of nostalgia hit me. I remembered our weekend visits there and how I used to love that place.

I also recalled the last time we visited a jewelry store—she didn’t like it there. The store was crowded, and I wanted to tell her it wasn’t the shop itself she disliked, but the crowd. I wanted to explain that Indians’ passion for gold goes back centuries, so busy stores are inevitable.

Today I also read that 250 mg gold coins are now available in stores, since prices are so high.

Still, I told my niece we shouldn’t risk the festival traffic and declined her request. Instead, we went to the Tanishq store, part of the Tata Group.

I remembered the same Tata Group store where I bought her watch. She hadn’t liked it at first, but after wearing it for a few days she told me she had grown to love it.

Every year, we try to buy only coins—since I’m unmarried and Mom doesn’t wear jewelry, it’s purely investment. Coins give us 24-carat gold at 99.99 percent purity, and most Indians value that. Jewelry is usually 22 carats—an alloy that’s harder but sells at a lower rate due to impurities. Pure 24-carat gold, however, fetches the full market price with no deductions. For that reason, we requested 24-carat coins. The first outlet had only coins stamped with deities, so we drove ten kilometers to another Tanishq.

To my relief, it wasn’t as crowded on road as I’d feared. By 3:00 PM we’d bought our coins for ₹142,900—up from ₹90,000 last year. I couldn’t believe how much the price had jumped in just one year.

A Westside store was also nearby, so we stopped there and my niece hunted for clothes. She bought two outfits she loved, and my father picked up a shirt for himself.

After shopping, we headed home but stopped for lunch since none of us had eaten. Because it’s a festival and Mom is vegetarian, we ordered only vegetarian dishes. We enjoyed traditional dosas and a variety of snacks.

By 7:00 PM, I was back home. Mom began preparing for the evening prayer as I locked myself in my room again. Though tired, I want to meet my Cucii on the thought of mine. I browsed my sites for her photos and reread the blogs I’d written. I wanted to capture the feelings I’ve been carrying. Then I realized I hadn’t uploaded my diary entries for the past two days, even though I wrote a blog yesterday.

After writing the blog, I’d started writing the diary and then fallen asleep from exhaustion. Tonight, I reviewed those entries and refined them with Copilot’s help. I’m always amazed by how it polishes my writing, though I adjust its suggestions to keep my voice.

Around 10:30 PM, Mom called me for dinner, which I ate in silence. Heavy-eyed, I still managed to upload the past entries before writing tonight’s.

I miss her all day, despite the busy schedule. She feels part of me, so I see reminders of her everywhere. When my niece shopped, I pictured Cucii in a pink blazer. I know she’d tease me that it looks like old lady garment.

I miss you, Cucii. Forever yours.

19th October 2025

It's Sunday, the day before Diwali, and I wake up at 10:00 AM. I was reluctant to rise today; the exhaustion of the last three days wanted me to stay in bed.

I knew I had to clean my room because of the instructions my mother gave me yesterday. I started cleaning without taking a bath, knowing I would get dirty while I worked.

I began with the shelves, working from the top down, sweeping dust off several boxes. There were different suitcases, and one was Cucii’s.

I remember I took that suitcase once, and since then it has stayed with me; a crack had already formed in it, but I kept it anyway. Last Diwali my mother told me to remove it, yet I wanted to hold on to it.

It is one of the few things I have of Cucii. I remembered the last time I cleaned it with a wet cloth, and today I wiped it again the same way.

This time I found the ring and some snacks I had bought for her before going to Zambia; they were still inside the luggage. I cleaned them and placed them back on the shelf.

Among other things I found the motorized razor she bought for me and the purse. I cleaned those too and put them back inside the suitcase.

I seldom use either now; the razor still works, and I stopped carrying the purse after 2019. In India we use physical money less often, so I don’t keep a purse much anymore; even in Zambia I didn’t carry one. I used cards for purchases, mostly for beer and to withdraw taxi money, I remember.

Around 5:00 PM I finished cleaning, including the doors and windows of the house. Before bathing I had to apply ground turmeric, horse gram, and mustard oil to my body — a ritual my mother insists on the day before Diwali; few people do it now, but my MOM makes me.

I bathed around 5:00 PM and ate afterward; I don’t know whether to call it lunch or dinner, but I had food. By 7:00 PM I was ready to go to the market with my father to buy things required for the puja the next day.

We returned from the market at 10:00 PM; the market was very crowded. I told my parents I wanted to sleep because I was very tired, then went inside my room and locked the door from within.

I wanted to meditate because I hoped to meet my Cucii there; I tried to meditate for an hour but fell asleep. This is where the day ended for me.

Happy Diwali to you, Cucii. Please forgive me.

20th October 2025

It's around 11:00 AM. I didn’t mean to wake up this late — I rose early but kept falling back asleep until finally I was up at 11:00 AM.

My task for today was simple: decorate the door with leaves and flowers. I had bought the leaves and flowers yesterday evening at the market.

I remembered Cucii telling me once that she does the same during festivals, though they use red paper instead of leaves. I thought if Cucii were with me this time we would have done it together.

My thoughts wandered. I imagined if she had been here, we would have bought ornaments on Dhanteras when we purchased the gold coin. Things would have been so different. We would have travelled to many places for holidays and enjoyed every Sunday together instead of me wandering aimlessly now.

By around 2:00 PM I finished the decorations. I had lunch at about 3:00 PM; the food was oilier than usual, and I wondered how Cucii would have managed it if she were here.

At 4:00 PM I started meditating and today I saw Cucii. She was walking in the streets wearing a black dress. I couldn’t see her face clearly, but it felt like she was in a market in China.

I opened my room at about 5:30 PM and began preparing for the puja: sweets and flowers, the gold we bought, and the goddess Lakshmi’s picture. In our tradition we don’t offer non-vegetarian food to the gods; we offer milk and curds instead. The worship continued until around 8:30 or 9:00 PM.

We stay awake until midnight as a ritual, waiting for goddess Lakshmi to enter our home, the goddess of wealth and prosperity. At 10:00 PM my niece wanted to burst crackers, but we couldn’t do it near the building because a neighbour passed away recently. I took her near the colony gate so she could light a few there. I’ve long lost interest in crackers, like I lost interest in Holi.

My mother, my niece, and I started a movie. When it grew boring, we talked about the past — about my mother’s childhood and how Diwali was celebrated fifty years ago. We spoke about many things.

One thing my mother said stood out: “You’re going to China this time. Bring Lakshmi home and don’t do anything foolish.” I smiled and nodded, while my thoughts churned inside. I’m going without any expectation of meeting her; I only want to feel the place where we met and wait, in the hope that one day Cucii might feel my love again. We in India used to tell the daughter in laws as Lakshmi (the goddess), it's kind of respectful notation which my mother means.

I prayed that if it is good for Cucii, God would help us meet. I washed the utensils to help my mother — something I’ve been doing regularly for the past four or five days. I used to do it sometimes, but now I’ve been consistent.

We finished everything around midnight and went to sleep at 1:00 AM. Time feels strange; it’s as if Zambia was only yesterday, though that trip was in February and now it is October and Diwali.

I also watch a lot of astrology now, and when I see mine, I always look for signs about Cucii. The prediction said she would receive money this year through the career — perhaps a commission or a new job.

This is where my day ends. Happy Diwali again, Cucii. I missed you a lot today.

21st October 2025

I woke up at 1:30 PM not because I was sleepy but because I did not want to face the day; I know this can be a sign of depression from the videos and articles I’ve seen. I quickly completed my routine tasks and had lunch around 3:00 PM.

After lunch I grabbed the car keys and went out for a drive. I don’t want depression to take over me now because it pushes me to message and text Rose, and I don’t want to keep disturbing her with my messages. I drove fast because it made me feel like I was leaving the past behind, though the memories always catch up as soon as I stop or slow down. I smoked two cigarettes while driving and took the same road I used to take to the office even though I haven’t been going there.

Around 6:00 PM I was back home; I called the consultant while driving and he asked me for my photos. I have to give him my passport on the 23rd. I started meditating at about 6:30 PM and continued for an hour, but I couldn't concentrate despite trying.

After that I watched reels on my phone and had dinner by 10:30 PM. After dinner I applied for various jobs on LinkedIn until I got sleepy at 1:00 AM. I also looked at Cucii’s pictures several times on my website and on Facebook. The day ends once more, and I missed her a lot again today. 

22nd October 2025

Today was an office day and I woke up at around 9:00 AM and asked the driver to bring my colleagues to my home since one of the drivers had taken leave. They reached home at 9:45 AM but I was not ready, so I told them to leave and said I would drive myself and be at the office.

At around 10:30 AM I started for the office. My colleague told me that most of the teams from Microsoft and Siemens were not available because they were still taking Diwali leave. I said let’s finish anything pending and wrap up by lunch since I did not expect much work to remain.

At 12:30 PM I started back for home; I had to buy mushrooms and some snacks for home, but finding mushrooms was difficult today because many market stalls were closed and the stores did not have any. It took me one hour to find them and at around 2:00 PM I was at home with everything they had requested.

In India only white button mushrooms are commonly available and sometimes oyster and milky mushrooms. Rose always used to bring dried brown shiitake mushrooms and they tasted very good. I also used to like the mushroom pickle made in China, which I used to get in Jinan. We had lunch at around 3:00 PM and since I was not feeling well, I went to sleep.

Today I had to drop my niece at her home, so I woke up at 5:30 PM. I got into an argument with my mom; it was nothing major, I was scolding my niece for being lazy and my mom intervened and the argument started because she said the niece had only come for a few days. I got angry and locked myself in my room. I understand at this stage she should be active and not lazy.

The plan to go to my sister’s home was cancelled and I started meditation again at 6:30 PM; I continued until 8:40 PM. I also saw her; I saw her again getting off a bus, wearing a light top and faded blue jeans that were very broad at the bottom. Her glasses frame looked brown, not red, as I had thought earlier.

I don’t know what is true, but I like meeting her in my dreams and these days I do a lot of meditation because it calms my craziness and lets me meet her. It may be just dreams and not reality, but at least I meet her there. I have only that place left where I can meet my Cucii.

I don’t know if I will ever meet her in person again, but now it doesn’t matter. If she is happy without meeting me, that is better than forcing an encounter. I miss you a lot and will keep that feeling with me.

23rd October 2025

Today felt different. I woke at 8:30 a.m. and the lazy part of me held on to the bed until 10:30 a.m., until the practical part reminded me, we have to work for money. The day was full of errands, the most important being passport submission for a visa.

I finished my usual cleaning and set out for Hyderabad. When I checked the location for submission, I realized it was Towli Chowki. I laughed at myself and told the driver to take the PV Narsimha flyover. He looked surprised and asked why, since I usually get off at Mehndi‑patnam. I explained we needed to get off before Towli Chowki and take a left toward the office. He understood and noted it.

On the way I tried to meditate and kept resisting the urge to smoke. I have felt short of breath since yesterday after smoking, so I’m trying to avoid cigarettes. We reached the consultant’s office around 12:30 p.m. The conversation felt warm and familiar despite this being our first meeting, because we had talked so much the previous week on phone calls. I asked if he could reduce the consultancy fee; he didn’t. I asked when the visa would be ready and he said he would confirm before Monday. He requested my photos, and of course I had forgotten them. I told him I’d bring them within an hour and he agreed.

I asked the driver to take the inside road in search of a photo studio rather than the main road. He warned it would be crowded but agreed to check and promised to go inside if we couldn’t find a studio on the main road. As we drove, I noticed the Reliance store where Cucii used to buy vegetables and the Bajaj store where she had gotten an iPhone. I remembered walking that road with her, though only a few times because we often went to Inorbit or GMR mall.

When I saw Usharam Integra and the shops near Grande Villa, I asked the driver to take a U‑turn into the inside road. We found a photo studio and got the visa photos in five minutes; the clarity was about eighty percent, but they were enough. We returned to the consultant and handed over the pictures.

I had another discussion with the regulatory authority of CEIG and then phoned the vendor. He invited me to lunch, and we went to a nearby restaurant. I told him about my medical symptoms, and he said he had seen a doctor three weeks ago for the same issue; it turned out to be blood pressure related. His symptoms sounded similar to mine, so I decided to see a general physician and try one of the doctors he recommended.

After lunch, around 4:00 p.m., we prepared to leave because one document we were waiting for from the Microsoft team had not arrived. I took a pill of blood pressure he carries, after we smoked; I can’t tell yet whether it helped. On the way home at about 4:30 p.m., my mind drifted back to old days and the small, ordinary moments that keep arriving in my memory.

I reached home at 6:00 p.m. and scrolled through mobile reels until 8:30 p.m. I noticed the fake birthday wishes—22 October is listed everywhere as the official date, even on Facebook—and found myself oddly grateful for them. After dinner I tried to meditate but couldn’t focus well.

I feel a strange finality lately, as if I have started a slow process of leaving. I hope my remaining days will keep me close to Cucii. I also have to get checked before traveling to China, so I’ll search for a doctor online tomorrow.

My day ends here. I miss you, Cucii.

24th October 2025

Today starts at 10:00 AM when I checked my heartbeat and found it normal.

I called the hospital for an appointment and got one for 2:30 PM. Later I remembered that I had forgotten my medical insurance, so I decided not to go to the hospital today and to go on Wednesday instead.

Today I will finalise my medical insurance first. I cleaned up and drove to the office. I reviewed different insurance policies and compared prices. I then finalised with Tata AIG medical insurance and purchased it around 4:00 PM.

I forgot to take my lunch today. My father called me to go to my sister’s home to drop off my niece. I started for home immediately after completing my health insurance, but the plan to go to my sister’s home was cancelled again.

At home I am watching a web series, and much is happening in my mind. I will tell you more in my diary tomorrow because today I am not able to get hold of my thoughts. Her memory is hurting me a lot today. Miss you, Cucii.

25th October 2025

I woke heavy with the residue of yesterday’s thoughts, and they stayed with me all day.

I woke around 10:30 a.m. and my mind was still circling the same worry: is this hypertension or something else? I checked my blood pressure several times; some readings climbed from just over 100 to about 120. Uncertain and anxious, I took the medicine the pharmacist had advised should be taken on an empty stomach, and I followed her instructions today.

A quiet, difficult fear visited me — the thought that perhaps this is the start of the end. I reminded myself that death is inevitable for everyone, but the thought still felt heavy. I decided to make an appointment at the hospital and planned to go on Wednesday.

I did my usual tasks, called the visa consultant to ask about possible visa dates for travel to China, and he promised to confirm by Monday. I spoke with a colleague about pending work, opened my laptop, and completed the items they had highlighted. I attended the regular safety discussion at about 12:30 p.m., the one that has become a normal part of my schedule these past months.

After the meeting I told my parents I was free and could drop my niece at my sister’s house. They asked me to have lunch first, and we planned to leave at 4:00 p.m. I noted the time; it was only about 2:40 p.m., so I rested. While resting the fear grew heavier and the memory of someone I hurt kept surfacing. I felt a sharp regret for the emotional pain I’d caused her and decided she should not be burdened with news of my illness even if it turned out to be serious.

A knock at the door pulled me out of my thoughts. I went out and drove to my sister’s house, feeling unusually tired even though I had not done any hard physical work. By 6:30 p.m. I was at her place. Passing near the airport these days always sends my thoughts to her. I drank tea hoping it would ease my fatigue, but it didn’t. I lay down and fell asleep feeling cold; I ended the day still fighting that tiredness and the heaviness in my chest.

Miss you Cucii.

26th October 2025

The day started at 11:30 AM. Last night I struggled to sleep because I felt unwell; my body felt cold at normal room temperature and I was very tired, but I feel better now.

When the day began my mother and sister told me to bring some vegetables, which I refused because I was not feeling well. I lay down on the sofa and started watching movies on Netflix; the aim was not to watch but to avoid any discussion. I changed between different movies until I finally stopped.

I took lunch at 2:30 PM — mushroom and rice. I kept watching movies until 4:00 PM. I had to get back home today, so I asked my mom if she was ready; she said we would start by 7:00 PM. As I expected, a discussion started with my sister and turned into a disagreement and argument. I left my sister at home around 6:30 PM, telling my mom I would wait in the vehicle and asking her to call me as soon as she was ready.

We started at around 7:00 PM. Traffic, as always in India, was crowded and it took until 9:00 PM to reach home. I played a horror podcast in the car while driving because I knew my mother would hear it and I could avoid any kind of discussion with her. At home she scolded me, saying I always make everything into an argument. I argued with her as well and finally locked my room to avoid further fights.

I introspected on my mother’s accusation that I bring everything to an argument, and I felt she was right. It’s not only with my parents and sister; I also do that with her. Now I avoid much communication with everyone; less talking is my way to process my internal fight. I uploaded my diary from a day before and slept at around 11:30 PM. This is where my day ends today.

27th October 25

Today started around 8:30 AM. It was the Monday after the festival week, so the office felt important. I left for work at about 9:15 AM after finishing my usual morning routine. On the way I tried to meditate, but I haven't been meditating for the last three days because I felt I was having a problem with hypertension. The thought keeps returning to that point, and I feel that after a routine checkup things will normalize.

I wasn’t really meditating; my mind kept drifting to her and to memories of Kerala. A colleague mentioned he’s going to Kerala in January, and that triggered a stream of “what ifs.” I imagined we had taken the trip now, driving for seven days: Hyderabad to Mangalore to Mysuru to Munnar to Kochi to Wayanad to Trivandrum to Kanyakumari to Rameshwaram to Ooty to Chennai to Bangalore and back to Hyderabad. We would have seen the whole South.

I pictured myself driving her to every place. We would have visited mountains and beaches; she likes the mountains more than the beaches, I know that. The daydream stopped when we reached the office and, to my surprise, I almost fell asleep in the car. I asked a colleague if anything specific was pending for me and learned there was nothing urgent. I told them I needed some time to stretch at my seat because I wasn’t feeling well. That wasn't entirely true; I just wanted to float back into my thoughts.

Back in the dream, we traveled the entire route by road and carried a lot of luggage since it would be our own car. I imagined flirting with her while driving and taking her to different core places in India. We would have tried different fish dishes at different stops and walked across the old Rameshwaram sea bridges. I thought she would kiss me in the car and we would take many photos of beautiful places.

One constant image was food: we'd eat a lot of KFC and Domino’s because, apart from that, she only really likes Indian biryani, and even then, only the chicken of biryani. It felt silly and comforting to picture those small, particular details.

Around 11:00 AM a colleague told me he was going inside the site and I snapped out of my daydream. I checked my emails and then went home for lunch at about 1:30 PM, hurrying because I had a meeting to catch at 3:00 PM. I asked the driver to go faster and looked out the car window because I want to leave the dream behind, just because I never wants to come out of it. I always want to stay with her even if only in my imagination; at least it gives me a sense of closeness.

I returned to the office by 2:30 PM. The 3:00 PM meeting was canceled, but other discussions and work continued until 6:00 PM. After work I went to Shamshabad to withdraw money from the ATM so I can convert it to dollars for the China trip. I called the consultant this morning; he asked me to book travel tickets beyond 15th November. I told him I would book for the 15th, or possibly the 14th since it’s a Saturday, but I haven’t received confirmation yet. I suspect he might make a provisional booking starting from the 10th and cancel it after the visa is processed. I don’t know how they do that, but I accept it for now.

This time I will go for seven days only, because without her I might feel unsettled in Jinan. I have no expectation of meeting her, but I won’t take the same chances I took in Zambia. Then, I wandered around the hotel area only up to 200 meters, waiting as if she might appear; I only went further to buy beers. Sometimes I feel like how people live in Prison. The hotel in Zambia felt like prison, eating the same food, in the same room, repeating the same routine. I don't want this to happen in Jinan. Though I know it's different, I have to go to the places where I have been with Cucii earlier.

I reached home around 7:00 PM, had dinner, and now at 11:00 PM I am writing this diary. My day will end after I finish this entry. Miss you much today Cucii.

28th October 25

The day was very busy; I remember waking up at 9:00 AM. I left home at around 9:30 AM after my usual morning routine and self-care. There was a discussion planned for the day with Microsoft and TGTransco. I kept calling my colleagues from the vehicle for the updates needed for the discussion. I reached the site at 10:00 AM and the discussion was postponed to 12:00 noon. I went home for lunch at 1:00 PM and started for Hyderabad at 2:00 PM. I kept working on different topics and finally the discussion took place at around 4:00 PM, which I attended from the vehicle. Meanwhile I went to Hyderabad for the TGTransco meeting and had to travel a lot across the city. It was almost 8:30 PM when I returned from Hyderabad. I passed by the places where Cucii and I used to go and was surprised by the development there. I crossed Inorbit and the Japanese restaurant we had visited once and tried sushi at. A bridge called Durgum Chevuru has been built near Inorbit. At 9:00 PM I had dinner while watching Mahabharata, and I continued until I slept at 1:00 AM.

29th October 25

The day started like the last one and I woke up at 9:00 AM again. I did my regular cleaning and wanted to leave for the office as soon as possible, not because of work but because I wanted to watch Mahabharata, which I had started watching yesterday.

When I saw the driver I noticed he was wet from the rain, so I told him to change his clothes and go back home to do so. He went back and I resumed watching Mahabharata. I reached the office at 11:00 AM and started looking for the pending jobs so I could finish them and still have time to watch Mahabharata. It felt similar to the attachment I recently developed for Lucifer.

I also asked the driver to bring me food from a nearby restaurant. I only got lunch time to watch the web series Mahabharata. Around 5:00 PM I left for home and reached by 5:30 PM, then started watching the web series again until 7:00 PM.

I want to share my understanding from the web series over the last two days. It is not the first time I am watching this; I remember from my childhood this must be the fifth time I am watching the same story with different actors and this time in animation. After watching for five long hours, I realized this is the first time I truly understand it. It is not just a story but a way to live life. I was surprised to see how much it resembles our lives. As one famous writer, Shakespeare, said, we are only puppets in this world and we must play our role and leave. The story conveys the same feeling, though it was written long before Shakespeare.

We tend to value the Western perspective more and remember what the West says. The story here showed the importance of love and the ill effects of selfishness for me. We fight for things that are actually demons: greed, anger, money, vehicles, homes, and we take none of those after our death. Only love remains through the people who remember us. When my neighbour died, people mourned for a few days, maybe two or three; they talked about him and remembered him. The children mourned longer, almost 15 to 20 days with dull faces. The parents mourn to this day; sometimes I can still hear them crying. His wife — I have not seen her much since then. But they will also stop remembering him after a while.

What I understand is that after someone close dies, eventually no one is left to remember them, just as we hardly know much about our family before our grandparents. So it doesn't matter whether they earned much or little, whether they had vehicles or homes; none of that matters. Whether they were good or bad, whether they loved someone or not, none of that matters in the end. What matters is how we live this life, where time is our true currency and we often spend it on useless things instead of with family, friends, and parents who will truly remember us. Life assigns a specific role to everyone and we must balance that role with spending time with our loved ones.

A question hit me: what spreads more than grass? The answer is desire, which is exactly true. Desire is never-ending, as I see in my past. Time spent with Cucii was the best in my life. I always wished to spend more time with her, but with the desire to have her in my life, I ended up disturbing her by messaging her obsessively. I understand now that love is beautiful, and her love has made me see life differently. I miss her deeply and wish I could spend my life with her, but I also see differently now: she is with me everywhere.

When I wake up, the first thing I do is look at her pictures; I keep them open on my phone every night before sleeping. I cannot make them my wallpaper because people may see them. I remember her on the way to the office, in my free time at work, while shopping, cooking, washing — everything. I even remember her when I buy garlic; the cloves should be big because once we went to Reliance Mart together. Washing utensils, cleaning the washroom — frankly, a few things I only started doing after I met her. So she is always with me.

As the Mahabharata suggests, love does not teach you to do wrong; it is the demons in you — desire, mine selfishness, greed, and others — that cause harm. I really thank her now because her love has started teaching me to see a different me. The day she meets me I will tell her that your presence used to give me comfort earlier, and when you were far, your love changed me. I feel like I am seeing things differently now and I no longer feel the urge to message her crazily. I know she understands my feelings better than I do, and if she does not, it is okay; she deserves better than me. I have Cucii inside me and I wish all happiness comes to her physical life.

Missing you much, Cucii. Love you.

30th October 25

The day started for me at 8:30 AM and a discussion with the Microsoft Singapore team was planned for 9:00 AM. I slept for 15 more minutes and then sat at my system by 8:50 AM. The discussion was scheduled to start at 9:00 AM, but they asked to continue after 10 minutes because they had already started their meeting at 8:00 AM. I was thinking that by doing the job we become no more than socialized labourers, starting the day even before finishing routine cleaning and office chores.

The discussion lasted until 11:00 AM and it was intense; we blamed others for the incompletion. I have a lot of personal work and organisational work to do. My errand started with collecting a Demand Draft, going to the post office to collect my mail, checking my account with the post office bank, and depositing some cash in my account. It lasted until 1:30 PM and then I came back home for lunch. After lunch I left for Hyderabad to meet a Transco engineer and told the driver that I would sleep because it would take two hours in traffic. After meeting him I was back by 7:00 PM.

On the way back I admired the weather. I remembered a cyclone had landed on the nearest coast of Odisha and therefore the weather here in Hyderabad was cloudy and mild rain was expected. I remembered that Cucii and I never found this kind of weather in Hyderabad when we used to meet. I wondered what I would be doing now if she were with me. My thoughts became erotic when I imagined clutching her to my tee, sitting with her by the window and covering us with a cotton sheet. Our skin would transfer the heat of our bodies and we would have felt the closeness. I came out of those thoughts as soon as I reached home.

I brought some snacks for Mom to have in the evening, Indian samosas. We had tea and snacks together. I, as always, started Netflix to avoid any discussion. These days I understand that I only talk about matters related to her health, my father, and things that need to be bought. I avoid all other communication and discussion with my parents. I like it this way; I don't want to discuss much about my ideology of life or others.

We watched a newly released movie or web series—I’m not sure—but its name was Greater Kalesh. Sometimes I feel like I now see everything through the lens of Cucii. In the show there was a scene where the husband went to a nearby home hiding from his family, and the daughter thought her father was having an affair. I drifted into my own thoughts back seven years to when we planned to marry. At that time I had seen many western movies where husbands have affairs. I asked myself then whether that could ever happen to me. Though I denied it at the time, I was not very confident back then. I also thought that if I wanted to do that I would have done it in all those years because I had the capacity to do so. Now I can say with confidence it will never happen to me. I think it is in my roots; I never thought of any other girl even when she did not talk to me.

We Indians have this in our roots: we do not move on easily, and so the divorce rate is only about 1% here. We have seen our parents fight with each other over different issues, and we also see them fighting with everything for the family. They live with lack of money, a small home, and a small vehicle, but their priority is always the family.

It ended when my eyes landed on the wall clock; it was around 11:00 PM. I remembered I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and I need to sleep tonight. This is the end of the day for me. After uploading my diary, I will sleep.

Love you Cucii. 

31st October 2025

Today my day started at 11:00 AM because there was not much office work and I had to visit the hospital. I did my regular work and had lunch before leaving for the hospital. At around 12:00 noon I left for the hospital; I did not have my regular medicine, so I took a suggestion from a friend. I tried to sleep with my earphones on while listening to a podcast. I was a little worried about my health. I reached by 1:30 PM and waited until 3:00 PM for the doctor, even though I had an appointment. The doctor said it seems like a normal rise in blood pressure for my age but was not sure, so he recommended two tests. He gave me some medicine for the next two weeks and asked me to come back with the reports. I left the hospital by 4:00 PM and went to my sister’s home because I had to bring my father from there today. On the way I ate some snacks and reached my sister’s home at 5:00 PM. My father told me he was not feeling well, so on the way home we discussed his health condition. He seems fine but a little worried. We reached home around 7:00 PM. I learned today that my visa was rejected, so I started looking for other options to get it. I will apply by myself on Sunday, and once I get my passport I will send it to the embassy. Let’s see how it goes. I am sorry, Cucii. I don’t know how to get the visa without an invitation, but I will keep trying. The day ends for me here. I need your help, Cucii, with the visa. If possible, please listen to me. See you soon.

1st November 2025

I think I have been in depression for the last three days, and that’s why I was not able to write. Please forgive me for that. My visa got rejected, and that is the reason.

I will start with Saturday. I woke up at 9:00 AM as I had a discussion planned at the regulatory authority office in the electricity board. I started around 9:40 AM for the office in Hyderabad. It was a long drive, and the whole way I kept thinking about what to do next. I wanted to message Cucii, but I hesitated. I don’t know if she is still there for me.

There is a kind of war going on inside me. I have so many questions, but I don’t want to ask her anymore. I want to know—can someone truly be unloved? Or was I never loved at all? If I made a mistake, what is the punishment, and how long should it last? I know she has answers to everything. The only thing I wanted to ask her today is this: does she really feel that I don’t love her? If she does, then it’s good—she should not come back into my life. But what if she doesn’t? Anyway, she must already have her answers.

I reached the office at 11:30 AM and met one of my old colleagues. We had coffee together, and then the discussion started at 12:30 PM. It lasted for almost three long hours. I left the office around 4:00 PM for home. On the way, I had to bring some goods for a kind of worship my mother had asked for.

Again, I was lost in my thoughts on the way back. I realized I haven’t done meditation for a long time, and the consequences are showing. I am drawn more to questions than to anything else. I tried to meditate while driving back, though I could still hear the honking horns and road noises. I understand it will take me more time to regain concentration.

I reached home by 6:30 PM but had not brought anything for the worship my mother asked for. I had lunch and dinner together around 7:00 PM. Later, I went to the market. I think I didn’t bring the items earlier because I wanted an excuse to go back out and avoid communication at home. I returned after about an hour and a half.

I went straight to my room, saying I was tired, and locked myself inside. I didn’t want to do anything else that day, so I started watching the web series The Witcher. That’s how my Saturday ended.

2nd November 2025

The day started for me around 11:30 AM on Sunday. It was a day of extreme war inside my head. I tried meditation, but I couldn’t succeed much. I was caught in my own inner battle, and I seriously didn’t know what to do next.

I went through the official China visa site and started filling out my visa form. I honestly don’t know if it will help. My mind was filled with the consultant’s directions—that I need to have stamped confirmation of hotel bookings. Well, I planned to do the booking online and then submit the form. Let it be the way it is, though I am not sure.

In the middle of everything, I mailed Rose, but she didn’t reply. I don’t understand why she does that. Once, after all this, she asked me for a mobile recharge, and I did it. I have never treated her the way she treats me by not replying. But she always does this to me. I don’t know why—she must have her own reasons.

I don’t understand—if she has moved on, why doesn’t she just tell me properly? She keeps me desperate like this, and then she complains that I disturb her. It’s not like I am disturbing some girl I never knew, who owes me nothing. We have spent time and dreams together. If she has moved on, at least she should tell me peacefully. I think I have the right to know what her plan is, even if she has moved on with someone else.

I was wobbling with my thoughts when I mailed her. I felt guilty for mailing, because in some way I was disturbing her. I regretted it and went back to meditation. I couldn’t succeed, so I went out driving. I started a podcast, drank two beers, and kept driving. I don’t even know what the podcast was about—I was still thinking of her.

Today, I also smoked marijuana. I had heard that when you smoke it, whatever you are thinking about, you keep thinking about it. So I kept thinking about driving, and I just kept driving. To my surprise, I drove almost 220 kilometers before reaching home. The next day, I was surprised to realize that Hyderabad is so big—I had driven almost 220 kilometers within it.

When I came back home, I was a bit hungry, so I asked Mom for dinner. Only then did I realize it was already 9:30 PM. I ate my dinner and started watching the web series The Witcher. I didn’t even watch for five minutes before I fell asleep.

Diary, I miss Cucii so much. Ask Rose to forgive me and give my Cucii back to me.

03rd November 2025

Today I woke up at 8:00 AM with a heavy head, remembering yesterday singing the song "Ganja Ganja." I laughed at myself and also apologized to self for driving so long while feeling that high.

I looked at the phone, and, to my surprise, no call came from my boss. I had been expecting his call because there was a discussion planned with senior management of Transco.

I lay back on the bed to sleep more but got a call from my colleague — as I expected, the discussion was planned for 11:30 AM. I thought if I slept more it would delay my schedule, so I went to do my regular cleaning.

I whispered her name and said sorry to her as well for yesterday. I did my regular chores and told Mom that I would have breakfast on my way to Hyderabad. I said the discussion was important and I had to reach there on time.

After the hypertension issue I started taking breakfast regularly because I have to take the pills after that. On my way I wondered why I drank and smoked so much yesterday. To my understanding, it’s not her; it’s the depression that has made a home inside me.

I thought about how she saved me so many times when we were together. I want to tell you, diary, that the boss I got in this organization is very selfish and kind of an idiot. He used to take all the credit for my work and still I am okay with him.

I want to say now that I feel like nothing matters to me; I am not as aggressive as I used to be earlier. It’s like nothing matters to me anymore and I only need peace. The things I used to like earlier also don’t matter to me now.

My peace was destroyed by the visa; that is the reason I want to take out that frustration, and that’s the reason I got high. Well, it’s okay — she doesn’t care for me and I don’t care for myself now. I can be high and also have my way to release my frustration; I don’t have to feel this guilt about getting high.

I think, diary, that it’s the only excuse in her terms I have for getting high and it’s not hurting anyone now, so it’s okay. I thought all this and the driver stopped at the place I had told him for breakfast. I had my breakfast and pills there and then continued to the office.

The boss called at 10:00 AM to say he had landed and I told him I was near the office for the discussion. He said he would take an hour and a half to arrive and that I should wait, to which I agreed.

I reached the office before 11:00 AM and since I had to wait I opened my laptop for office work. The discussion started at 12:30 and extended until 4:30 PM. I learned from the boss that we are getting more projects in Hyderabad and it will go on for the next two years.

I had no emotions though, because I really don’t know what I want now. I am looking for a job in another organization but I feel lazy to apply.

At 5:00 PM I started for home and my mind caught the same track of regret because I got high. I really am not able to understand why this guilt comes to me repeatedly. I told myself that I will not smoke marijuana ever again and these days I seldom drink.

I looked out the car window and remembered how I cried the last time when I left Cucii at the Hyderabad airport for the last time. The road was the same — the PV Narasimha Rao flyover — and it’s always the same every time. I controlled myself when I felt a drop roll out of my eye.

I told the driver to stop at a cigarette shop as soon as we got down from the flyover. I reached home by 7:00 PM and asked Mom for food because I was hungry. I remembered I hadn’t had lunch because of the discussion.

I felt very tired and wanted to meditate. I need to regularize that otherwise the depression in me will take over, I understand. I tried but slept around 8:00 PM.

The day ends for me here. Missed, to be missed by you, Cucii.

04th November 2025

The day started for me at 4:00 AM. I began with an hour of meditation, followed by an urge for tea. At 5:30 AM I went for a short ride to the market to get tea and a cigarette.

In the morning I started looking at the visa application and searched for different hotels and flights online, though I stalled the form filling because I still have to collect my passport from the consultant. I slept again around 8:00 AM and woke up at about 10:30 AM. I remembered I had to write a few follow-up letters from yesterday's meeting. I also attended a short internal EHS training discussion.

I left home at about 12:30 PM and on the way I called the consultant about the passport. He confirmed that he had already received it back and could hand it over by 4:00 PM. I went to one of my sites where work was ongoing, inspected the work, and then started for Hyderabad. I had already had lunch at home so I had no other plans on the way.

I tried meditating on the drive, but my thoughts kept returning to the past because the consultant's office was near the place where Cucii used to stay. I am going to the same place again today, so those thoughts are crawling. I remembered the days when we used to roam around the Inorbit mall. I want to tell Cucii that a new mall has opened in the city; there are more, but one of them is very big and good and has most of the brands. Cucii is always fond of such places. I want to tell her about a new clothing startup that changes all its patterns every week. I want to take her to all those places. I also want to have that KFC Hot and Crispy chicken with her.

A jerk in the vehicle brought me back to life. I asked the driver the reason and he told me a pothole was responsible. Back to my thoughts: I felt Cucii never believed me. I remember when I told her I got a job in Hyderabad in 2023, she reacted as if in the past I did not want to come to Hyderabad. In the past, I think that instead of going into business I might have pursued degrees that would have helped me like what I am doing now, but I tried my best to get a job in Hyderabad. My thought was: why did she not trust me? If I had planned to cheat her, I could have done it when I returned to India in 2012. Why did I wait? I was a normal person who desired to marry, have a wife, children, and a family. If I wanted to cheat, why did I wait and make all my desires dependent on her? Why have I not married even after 2019 and even now? I never get the answer to these questions, and I never understand what I did that made her not believe me, although I know and feel she loves me.

This question always wobbles in my head without an answer, and I never find one. I maintain my calm by getting high or by meditating. When alcohol mixes with my blood and reaches my brain, I guess it stops the brain from thinking, and when I meditate, I keep telling myself nothing to think. I want to understand whether it is the heart that thinks or the brain that thinks — a question that always hurts me. The question also becomes: is it Cucii's affection that the mind invents, or is it Cucii's love that the heart creates and therefore feels painful? I also want to know whether it is the heart that never wants to be away from Cucii or the mind that never wants to move on. I never got answers to these questions; other than an inner call, I want to remain stuck with her forever.

I came out of my thoughts when I reached home at around 6:00 PM, though I had some distraction when I collected the passport from the consultant and while giving directions to the driver. I was at home and she was still in my head. Because the power was out at home due to some issue, I had the privilege to lock myself in my room. I started meditating immediately after I reached home because I knew that if I did not get away from those questions, it would drive me crazy. I meditated until the power came back, and because the thoughts would not leave my head, I started thinking of the times I used to be with her and was happiest.

I remember a few moments: when she saw the Munnar tea plantation and the place near the waterlogged area of Munnar; we took an iPhone from the shop; and the time we ordered a diamond ring. I remember those times, when I looked at her sideways, she laughed without looking at me like a child. I kept that face in my mind and meditated until the power came back. I then started watching The Witcher series; though season 1 is not great, I kept watching it till I went to sleep, and the day ended there.

I miss you, Cucii, and a part of me dies a little every day for you.

05th November 2025

The day started for me today at 8:30 AM, although I did not sleep well last night. I don't know why she was angry with me when I met her in my dreams. She told me that I blame her for everything; I don't know why she says that — I never blamed her for anything. Whatever happened was my mistake; my only question is why you walked away from me. Well, it's okay now. I am okay with Cucii living in my memory.

I had a schedule today with Transco where we had to visit three substations. I called the Transco engineers I had planned to go with for the site visit, and we started at 10:00 AM for the first substation. We surveyed the substation and then visited other substations around Hyderabad. The visit concluded at 3:00 PM.

Around 3:30 PM we went for lunch and had biryani at Pista House. I want to tell Cucii that there is a new place in the city, Pista House; it is a chain like Paradise, and the biryani is good. The chicken is prepared the way you like it; next time we will go there together to have it.

I want to tell Cucii that I have learned to cook many dishes, especially chicken — tandoori, Afghani, and reshmi. I have also cooked chicken and mutton biryani. I learned fish tandoor and coriander-lemon fish as well. I was back home around 6:30 PM.

I was very tired because it was a long day and we walked almost the whole time at the substations. I wanted to write in the diary, but I tried meditation and felt sleepy around 8:00 PM. I had dinner around 8:00 PM and slept immediately. The day for me ends here.

06th November 2025

The day started for me at around 7:30 AM. I was feeling tired because of a busy routine yesterday. I planned to stay at home because I wanted to rest for a while.

After having tea at home, I went back to sleep, though I was lying on the bed and not able to fall asleep. I remembered the days when I used to wake up next to Cucii and also the days when Cucii was not in my life. I had always thought of waking next to my wife before Cucii came into my life and used to sometimes see it in dreams, but I was never able to see any girl’s face.

After Cucii came into my life I used to wake up next to her when I was with her. It was then that I used to feel completely relaxed and my whole body used to feel fresh.

I remembered that people say time resolves everything; I always used to ask why it was not the same for me. I understand now in the truest sense: when you love someone and devote yourself to them, the pain of not being with them always hurts, and with time you only accept that pain in silence as I do now. Nobody really moves on in life; either they love someone or they never do. Love is the same everywhere; it does not change from mother to child, or from wife to husband, or boyfriend to girlfriend. In fact, the love you find outside a relation and help grow feels more divine and is therefore more painful when it is not with you.

I woke up with all these thoughts in my head and water rolling down my eyes. I cleaned my face and woke fully at 10:30 AM, asking Mom to make breakfast because I had to go to the office. I cleaned myself and after having breakfast left for the office. I smoked on the way and tried to meditate.

At the office I asked my colleagues about the pending work and those tasks which especially needed my attention. I had a very intense discussion with a colleague and my boss today; it was so intense that I wanted to resign from the company. I was frustrated and worked till 5:30 PM, when I left for home.

On my way home I thought about finding a job; I also thought if I could get a job with Cucii in her company this time it will be good so that we could spend the rest of our lives together. I tried to meditate as soon as I reached home but was not able to concentrate, so I started watching the web series The Witcher until I fell asleep. The day for me ends here.

07th November 2025

Today I woke at 8:30 AM because we had a discussion scheduled with Transco to summarise the last survey. I washed and groomed, had breakfast, and then went to my colleague’s house. I needed to direct him on some work required to submit a quotation in response to an Amazon enquiry. I explained every detail of what needed to be done, then I went to pick up the person from Transco and we drove to Hyderabad for the meeting.

The drive to Hyderabad was full of conversation with the Transco engineer; we discovered we were from the same batch. On the way there and back we spoke about politics, development, investment, corruption, and many other things. The official discussion began around 12:00 noon, about thirty minutes after we reached the office, and lasted until 4:30 PM at the Transco office.

I left for home around 5:00 PM and, because we had skipped lunch, we stopped for dinner at a nearby restaurant at about 6:00 PM. I remembered, too late, that I had forgotten to take my pills today.

A consultant called about the visa. I asked him about a hotel booking with the necessary stamps; he said he would manage it. I asked him to explain technically how he would manage it and we agreed to discuss the details on Monday.

I reached home by 7:30 PM. As usual, I told my mom I was tired and locked myself in my room. Once alone, my mind began to unravel into many questions and memories.

I am trying to understand why my eyes still fill with tears even when the sharpness of pain has faded. Is this numbness, or has sorrow become a habit? Every morning begins with her and every night ends with her. I still miss her, perhaps most of all in the simple, physical ways. Sometimes I ache to hear her voice. I no longer feel the frantic urge to message or email her, but a thousand questions still tingle through me.

I yearn sometimes to feel her soft touch; at other times I ache to smell the faint scent of aloe vera and tea, the cream she might have used. She never wore perfume as far as I remember, but that warm, subtle scent used to be around her. I miss her to the very core of my heart — once with raw pain, now with a quieter, aching tenderness.

Why doesn’t she feel my love? Has she moved on? What does moving on mean to her? To me it feels like she has stopped loving me. Is it possible to unlove someone? I have never chosen anything above her — not even my life, my parents’ love, marriage, children, or anything else. Did she choose something over me? If she did, wouldn’t she say it to me plainly? I don’t know whether I still need that answer; perhaps I have found a strange peace inside this pain.

I wonder whether this pain will end when I die. If it will, I don’t understand why I’m still here. Life is okay now, but it used to be beautiful, and I still hope for something good. Don’t I deserve that?

I want to know whether I even love her anymore or if what I feel is only memory and habit. I have so many questions, and I hope one day I will be brave enough to ask them when I meet her.

The day ends for me here, folded into my thoughts.

Miss you so much, Cucii.

08th November 2025

Diary Entry

The day began around 11:00 a.m.—though, as always, I had woken up much earlier. I just stayed in bed, staring at the ceiling, letting time slip past me until it was nearly noon. I knew I had pending work that couldn’t wait any longer. If I didn’t complete it today, it would escalate. But at home, I couldn’t bring myself to start—laziness wrapped around me like a blanket. So I brushed my teeth, skipped the bath, and headed to the office.

I told my colleague I was craving bread omelette for breakfast. It had been months since I’d had eggs, and somehow, that simple craving felt important. They said they’d arrange it, but couldn’t. So we settled for the usual Indian breakfast—familiar, but not what my heart had asked for.

At work, I replied to a flood of pending emails. I also reviewed the broadcast bidding document for Amazon that had been sitting untouched. By 3:00 p.m., it was all done. We packed up and headed home.

On the way, I tried to sleep in the vehicle. I was too drained to do anything else. I reached home by 3:30 p.m. and collapsed into sleep until 6:30, when my mom called me for tea.

After tea, I went to the temple. It struck me—I hadn’t been there since Diwali. The silence there felt like a forgotten friend. I returned by 8:00 p.m., and that’s when mom asked me to sit down. She told me about dad’s illness. We talked through his symptoms and decided to visit the hospital on Wednesday. It seems he might be showing signs of high blood pressure. The conversation lingered until 10:00 p.m., heavy but necessary.

Dinner was light—just some snacks. By 11:00 p.m., I was in my room, door locked from the inside. I began editing the backlog of my personal diary and asked Copilot to help me check the grammar. As always, the act of writing pulled me into old memories. It happens every time. I get swept away by the past, the echoes I’ve already shared before.

To my surprise, I spent four hours on it. I finished by 3:00 a.m., exhausted but strangely fulfilled. I tried to sleep, but couldn’t. Instead, I started watching the old Witcher web series and lay on the bed, eyes half open.

Sleep never came. The next time I looked at my phone, it was 7:20 a.m.

I’ll close the day here—for the sake of closure, if not rest.

09th November 2025

Diary Entry

Hey diary,

You know, it never begins like a normal day—with sleep and waking. I was already awake, without rest, just lying there as the morning crept in. At 7:20 a.m., I asked mom for tea. We sat together in quiet companionship, sipping warmth. As we’d decided yesterday, I went out to bring fish.

This time, I broke my silent promise—the one I made to myself: not to have fish without Cucii. But I brought it anyway. I felt Papa needed something more nourishing. In India, vegetables are always the preferred path, but sometimes the body asks for more. I’m always amazed by how Ma prepares fish so beautifully, yet never eats it herself. There’s something sacred in that kind of giving.

By 10:00 a.m., I had finished cleaning the fish. I marinated it with care, then went to sleep around 10:30 a.m., letting the spices rest as I did.

When I woke again around 1:00 p.m., the food was ready. I ate my lunch without washing up—just sat down and ate, as I was. The moment reminded me of that song, the one where the singer says, “Today only I washed my clothes, today only I took a bath.” He sings it with the innocence of someone in love, preparing to meet his beloved. That’s what love does—it makes even the smallest rituals feel like offerings.

After lunch, I washed the utensils and went back to sleep around 2:30 p.m. I woke again at 6:30 p.m. to the loud sound of music. I asked Mom where it was coming from, but she didn’t know. I stepped outside and found out there was a wedding happening nearby. I returned to my room, checked the windows, and closed them to soften the noise.

At 7:00 p.m., I had tea with my parents. Then I told them I had work to do for my MBA project. I began searching for a research topic, but soon found myself drifting into her memory.

I started thinking—if I’m there in December, it will be cold. I remembered the coat she brought for me. I decided: either I will wear the coat she gives me, or I won’t wear one at all, even if I have to face the cold. I have a windcheater, and I’ll take only that. No thermals. No compromise.

I have to go to Mumbai tomorrow. The flight is at 9:50 a.m., so I’ll need to leave by 7:30. I told myself not to get pulled deeper into her thoughts. So I turned on The Witcher web series and kept watching. The last time I checked my phone, it was 2:00 a.m.

I slept sometime after that.

The day ends for me here.

I love you, Cucii.

10th November 2025

The day began earlier than usual. At 7:00 AM, I woke up knowing I had a flight to catch—Mumbai was waiting for me. I followed my routine, took a bath, and left for the airport around 7:30 AM.

On the way, memories of my Hyderabad to Cochin trip came rushing back. I’ve always been afraid of heights, and flights make me uneasy. Back then, she used to hold my hand—or perhaps I held hers. It was the same in China, the same in India. I never choose the window seat; it scares me. Today was no different.

By 8:20 AM, I reached the airport. I avoid flights that are too early or too late now. My flight was at 10:00 AM, and security took barely 20 minutes. As I waited, I thought about how much India is changing—development everywhere. Domestic flight entries have changed drastically; no one carries hard copies of boarding passes anymore.

At 9:00 AM, I sat in the boarding area. I glanced at KFC, tempted, but reminded myself it was Monday—the day of Shiva. I’ve promised myself no non-veg on Mondays. Last week I slipped, but since Saturday I’ve been determined. Besides, I don’t want to eat it without Cucii. I skipped breakfast, deciding to eat in Mumbai instead, though I still had to take my medicine.

I watched people wander through shops—couples, families—but I felt no urge to join them. I’ve never been interested in airport shopping; prices are high, brands don’t tempt me. Instead, I went to the smoking room, then stood by the window searching for a Chinese plane—China Eastern, maybe. Later, I checked Google News and saw that India had started direct connectivity to Shanghai.

At Gate 52, I noticed boarding had started—but for Air India, not Indigo. Confused, I asked a lady nearby and learned the gate had changed to 49. I smiled at my absentmindedness; I’d been so lost in thought I hadn’t heard the announcement.

Boarding began at 9:35 AM. My seat was 10E. I smiled quietly—never a window seat, though she always loved them. As I scrolled reels, one caught me: “Both of us believe in each other. She believes I’ve moved on, and I believe she’ll come back one day.” It hurt.

I switched to airplane mode and opened the Punjabi web series I’d downloaded. The plane accelerated; my grip tightened on the armrest. Takeoff always frightens me, but once we were in the air, I relaxed. The series was boring, yet I kept watching. My mind drifted back to Cucii. I wanted to ask her—does she really not believe me, especially about money?

I imagined her beside me. I asked for no questions this time, only a hug. She sat on my lap, twisting playfully, touching my cheeks, whispering, “You don’t love me.” I asked her to plan a trip with me—somewhere with a swimming pool. She reminded me I’d gone to Singapore without her. I explained it was for work, and I hadn’t even posted a photo. I suggested mountains next, within six months. She kissed my forehead. She doesn’t talk as much as she used to. I asked her to come home soon—I want to cook for her, maybe barbecue.

The hostess brought me back to reality, asking me to straighten my seat. We were about to land in Mumbai.

Mumbai felt familiar—I’d lived here two years ago. It’s resourceful, yes, but Hyderabad feels closer to my heart because Cucii lived there. Cities are just cities—crowded, chaotic. I carried only my laptop bag, no luggage. Traveling light feels good.

By 1:00 PM, I was at the vendor’s office. The receptionist asked me to wait; the boss was busy. At 2:00 PM, we began discussions, finishing by 4:30 PM. I regretted booking the 9:45 PM flight; I could have taken the 7:00 PM one.

Hungry, I realized I hadn’t eaten breakfast or lunch. At 6:30 PM, I asked the taxi driver to drop me at a bar. Two beers and fries later, I felt lighter. By 8:20 PM, I was back at the airport. Mumbai’s T1 terminal is closed for renovation, so all flights now operate from T2.

At 9:00 PM, I reached the gate. Restless, I tried downloading a new movie. News broke of a blast in Delhi—seven people dead. My flight was delayed; it was coming from Delhi.

Boarding finally began at 10:30 PM. Takeoff was smoother than the morning, though the turning glide unsettled me. Again, I imagined Cucii on my lap. She kissed me silently while I rambled about my boss, my day, and the Tata Sierra I dream of buying. I told her we’d go on a road trip—ten days, maybe seven if she couldn’t get leave.

We landed in Hyderabad at 11:30 PM. My driver was waiting. By 12:30 AM, we left the airport. He seemed unwell, so I asked him to rest the next day. At 1:30 AM, we reached home. I’d dozed in the car but stayed aware of the drive. At 2:00 AM, I finally slept.

The day ended there.

11th November 2025

The day began around 11:30 AM. I woke up feeling tired, as I always do, missing the kind of sleep I used to get when I was with her. I often wonder if she has someone in her life now. The thought feels cruel to me, and I hate it, yet somewhere deep inside I believe it must be good for her.

It is always painful when life feels empty—when there is no interest in living, eating, sleeping, or in anything that once mattered. I want to escape this constant pain, this feeling of dying inside myself every day. Sometimes life brings you to a stage where nothing feels good, and yet you carry on because living itself becomes a responsibility. I often think that the pain my parents feel, seeing me like this every day, will only end with their end—and in that way, mine too.

I don’t really know what I want anymore. I am just living, and perhaps that is enough, because I have to play my role and fulfill my responsibilities. After my routine cleaning, I had lunch.

I asked myself today: what kind of love do parents give? Why is it so unconditional? They have helped me in countless ways throughout my life. They stood by me when I was with them, and even when I was against them. Decisions and outcomes never mattered to them. They would share their point of view, we would argue, but in the end, they never let the outcome affect their love. I always had food, sleep, and care—even though we were worlds apart in our thoughts, actions, and decisions.

If this is how love should be interpreted, then I realize I failed Cucii once. After coming back in 2019, my anger toward her was so intrusive that it made me forget her for almost a year. I understand now that this is why I deserve the life I am living.

I came out of these thoughts only after reaching the Transco office in Hyderabad. On the way there, my mind was heavy with all these reflections. I met the person I had come to see, and we discussed the closure of a pending job from our last meeting. By around 5:00 PM, the work was completed, and I started back home.

Again, I found myself lost in thoughts. I kept asking: what kind of life is this, and how long will it last? Isn’t this pain more unbearable than physical pain? Some days I feel close to her in my thoughts, and other days I miss her so much because I cannot find that kind of sleep and relaxation I used to get after a tough routine. It feels like waves in the sea—sometimes they come strong, drenching you completely like happiness showering over you, and sometimes they are so faint that they leave only emptiness inside.

I thought maybe I should take a job far from my parents and start drinking again, just to stop these thoughts that depress me. But I know if I return to drinking, I will also lose the happy moments I used to feel when I was with her. Meditation seems like another way, though I haven’t practiced it with true devotion for a long time. I plan to start again, with sincerity, after submitting my visa form to the consultant.

I stopped meditating because it made me lose interest even in my daily routine. I began to hate going to work, eating food, even going to the washroom—perhaps because I used to find her presence there in my thoughts.

I miss you so much, Cucii. Yet I don’t want you to feel the same pain I am going through. I hope whatever is good for you has already reached you.

I skipped dinner today, telling my parents I was too tired. The day ended around 8:30 PM when I fell asleep, thinking about everything I have written here. I truly hope she is happy.

That’s all for the day.

12th November 2025

The day began at 4:00 AM when I woke up and tried to meditate. But sleep pulled me back, and I didn’t rise again until 8:00 AM. I had my tea, did my routine cleaning, and left home after breakfast and my medicines.

I had an appointment with the vendor at 10:00 AM. I doubted I would make it on time, so I informed the Transco person who had scheduled the discussion. On the way, I kept my eyes open, gazing out of the window. I didn’t want to let any negative thoughts enter my mind today. Instead, I looked at her pictures on my phone and asked her silently, “How much do you love me?” In my heart, I heard her answer—she kept touching my face and whispering, “This much.” I wanted to hold on to that moment forever, even as the world outside blurred into nothingness.

We reached the office around 10:45 AM, only to be told the meeting was scheduled for noon. I felt cheated, having started so early. I asked for a place to sit and use my laptop, and thankfully he agreed. I managed to finish some of my pending work until 11:50 AM.

Soon after, we went to the vendor’s factory nearby. He showed us around, and we discussed the contract steps until delivery. By 2:30 PM, the meeting was done. I asked the Transco official for leave, pretending I had unfinished tasks waiting. On the way back, my thoughts drifted to her again. I closed my eyes, kissed her in my imagination, and hugged her tightly. Her smile—playful and warm—lingered in my memory.

I reached the office around 4:30 PM and worked through important emails until 6:30 PM. By 7:30 PM, I finalized the Amazon quotation and shared it with the sales team. After wrapping up, I headed home. For a moment, I thought of drinking, but the urge wasn’t there anymore.

By 8:00 PM, I was back home. Instead of sinking into thoughts, I started watching The Witcher and continued until 11:00 PM. That was when my day finally came to an end.

Love you, Cucii.

15th November 2025

I skipped writing on Thursday and Friday, 13–14 November 2025, because a cold settled in with the weather change and I wasn’t well. Nothing much happened those days; I mostly slept and rested.

I woke at 10:00 AM with one important task unfinished: submit my passport to the consultant. Knowing the day would be busy, I got up, brushed my teeth and left for Hyderabad without breakfast. Mom told me her brother and his wife would arrive on Sunday and that their son would join later in the evening, so I also needed to bring some groceries.

On the drive I ran through a checklist in my head: passport, food items, and the two land sites I planned to visit this week. My thoughts drifted to the last two days I’d spent at home — to Cucii sleeping beside me, to the way she would look at me when I woke. Her eyes seemed to ask if I was free from pain now. That question hung in my head; I tried to name the pains, but the list kept growing and her question didn’t point to any single thing.

Midday the driver and I struggled to find the consultant’s location, so I called him. He came to pick me up; his office was only a five-minute walk away. He checked my documents and asked for a leave letter on company letterhead. I promised to give it the next day and he gave me some forms to fill and send with the leave letter. I asked him to arrange travel for 13 December 2025 and a hotel; he said he would manage it.

By 1:30 PM I headed to the confectionery to buy the groceries Mom had listed, arriving around 3:00 PM after checking the land locations on the way. The land sites were about 90 minutes from where I was; if I went, I would arrive close to 5:00 PM, with daylight fading and the cold making everything dimmer. I paused to think while smoking a cigarette, trying to weigh staying home against going out. I didn’t want the family questioning and commentary that always comes with these visits, but Mom had asked me to be present and her request carried weight and emotion I couldn’t ignore. Responsibility kept me here when part of me wanted to run away and become some kind of sage.

I finished my cigarette, told the driver the nearest land location and set off. To keep my head steady I put in my earphones and listened to a podcast about unsolved mysteries. The podcast anchored me until my thoughts drifted toward her again — not searching for her, but sensing her near me in a kind of meditation. I asked her, in my mind, whether she understood why I didn’t want to meet them; she nodded. I asked why she didn’t answer, and in my imagination she gave me a look that felt like blame.

People often ask if I’m married. I answer “No.” It used to sting when strangers reacted with surprise, but now I’ve grown used to it and barely look back after replying. Still, when family asks, it becomes a different kind of drama. My mother’s brother and his wife are not outsiders; their questions will turn into conversation and advice, and I dread the ritual. I sometimes joke that no girl chose me and they say they’ll find one for me, and I say I’m too old. Those jokes don’t cut the corner of pain that the question opens. I told Cucii in my thoughts that being without her is painful, and that the questions add another layer of ache. She didn’t reply.

I reached the first land site around 4:50 PM. It was outside the city, calm and green. I visited the second plot nearby as well. While I was checking the locations, Mom called: she wanted me to pick up my sister, who would also come to meet the relatives. I dread these family gatherings more than anything now.

The driver had been on the road all day, so I asked to drive the vehicle myself — partly to give him a rest, partly to distract myself from the replaying questions and rehearsed answers. I picked up my sister and reached home around 9:50 PM, exhausted. After dinner I went to my room and slept as soon as I lay down.

Today was practical — passport, groceries, land visits — but under everything lay the quiet ache of missing her and the low hum of family expectations. Responsibility keeps me in place; longing keeps me awake. I am tired but I did what needed to be done.

I love you.

16th November 2025

Today is Sunday. Usually, I wake up late, but today I rose early at 7:30 a.m. The reason was to buy some items for the arrival of Mom’s brother and his family. I had tea and breakfast in the morning, while Mom and my sister were busy preparing food. In India, we treat guests with good food—I believe it’s the same everywhere in the world.

I returned home by 9:30 a.m., and Mom gave me strict instructions not to lock myself away. So I sat in the hall and started a movie. Soon, Mom asked me to help cut vegetables for the salad. I felt the urge to smoke a cigarette, so I stepped outside, telling everyone I’d return soon. By 10:00 a.m., I was back, watching the movie and cutting salad at the same time.

I started a new movie, Frankenstein. But after 15 minutes, I drifted into my thoughts. I don’t even remember what I watched. By the time it ended, my parents reminded me to call my uncle. Around noon, I called him and learned they were already nearby. I went out to escort them from a short distance, guiding them to our home.

That’s when we came to know that my aunt had fallen in the hotel washroom earlier that morning, and they had gone to the hospital. It was a shock to us. We asked why they hadn’t informed us before going. The family sat together, talking and sharing food until around 5:00 p.m.

To my surprise, nobody asked me about my marriage. They were happy about their son’s wedding arranged for January and had come to give the invitation. They also spoke about their elder son, whom they married back in 2018. I remembered how, at that time, I was criticized by my family for being six years older and still unmarried. I know this time too, after my uncle leaves, the criticism will return. I laughed at myself and told myself it wouldn’t be the first time. I said it’s okay and moved on from those thoughts.

I told my parents I needed to rest for a while, as they were planning to go to the temple. I lay down with my thoughts, whispering to Cucii that I miss her. I told her, “Anything for you—it’s only some criticism.” I realized my mind was more burdened by her absence than by the criticism itself.

I stood up from bed and dressed for the temple. We reached around 7:30 p.m., and it was crowded, with traffic everywhere. From there, we went to my sister’s home and then back to ours around 8:30 p.m. My uncle, aunt, and cousin returned to their hotel. I forgot to mention—their son had joined us at the temple when we arrived. We dropped my sister home around 10:00 p.m. and finally reached our own home at 12:30 a.m.

On the way back, Mom criticized me again for not marrying. I listened silently, with a smile inside. That was where my day ended, as I fell asleep soon after reaching home.

The happiness today is that I am at peace with the criticism. I understand that my love is worth more than all of it—and so, it’s okay.

Love you, Cucii.

17th November 2025

The day began at 10:00 a.m. Yesterday’s long drive had left me exhausted, but there was still much work to do. I had to submit the remaining documents to the consultant today. After my regular cleaning and breakfast, I left home around 10:30 a.m. for the office. On the way, I played meditation music and drifted into sleep. I know I slept in the vehicle, dreaming of her. She comes to me as soon as I close my eyes. In my dream, I held her close, as if hugging her, because I was so tired.

I reached the office around 10:30 a.m. and asked my colleague if there was any pending work. We worked together until about 1:30 p.m., when I stopped and returned home for lunch. I didn’t sleep this time, but I lay on my seat with my eyes closed, thinking of her. I always see her in that blue suit—the kind girls from Punjab often wear, called a kurta. That image of her never leaves me.

I reached home around 2:00 p.m. and had lunch. By 3:00 p.m., I was back at the office. We worked again, replying to different mails and joining the scheduled discussion. The work continued until 6:30 p.m., after which I returned home.

At home, I asked Mom for tea and then went to my room, where I tried to search for topics for my MBA project. Later, I had dinner and went to bed around 8:30 p.m.

The day ends here for me. Love you Cucii, I really miss you lot.

18th November 2025

The day began at 9:00 a.m. I had a discussion planned with Transco, so after finishing my routine work, I prepared to leave for the office. By 9:40 a.m., after breakfast, I was on my way. In the car, I told my driver that I wanted to sleep. I put on my earphones, started a podcast, and drifted into dreams of her.

In that dream, I asked her: “What will happen if your anger only calms after 10 or 15 years? By then, we’ll be too old to travel.” She replied, “It’s your punishment. Only you can decide how soon you will calm me.”

I asked, “If you’ve chosen someone else, shouldn’t I know?” She stayed silent. I tried to change the subject and asked where she would like to go. She said, “You know I love mountains.” I told her, “We should go now, while we’re still young. Later, when we’re old, we’ll only manage sea beaches.” She laughed and asked why. I explained, “Because our joints will ache, and my lungs will resist the mountain air.”

Then I asked, “What will happen if someday I die? What will happen to this site?” She looked amazed, unable to answer. I kissed her for her innocence.

I asked her, “When did you ever think I cheated you for money? Doesn’t my way of living reflect my attitude? In Bangkok, when I pulled you and we fought, it wasn’t about my money—it was about yours. I respected your money as much as mine. Have you ever seen me spend on myself? Even now, I don’t buy iPhones. I buy clothes only on discount. How can you think I’m selfish with money?”

She said, “You don’t want to spend on me.” I replied, “Whatever I have, I spend on you. What else have I ever done in life? Tell me one instance, and I’ll answer.” She listened quietly.

I asked, “Do you not love me? If not, why don’t you say it to my face? Why avoid my calls? When have I ever threatened you? Why make me feel like some street fool living off a woman’s money? When did I ever make you feel that way? If you want to leave me, shouldn’t we talk first, find a way to discuss it?”

I told her, “After what you did, I feel cheap—like a man who doesn’t even deserve a conversation, like a road-side guy living off women’s money. Am I that bad? Even if you’ve chosen someone else, shouldn’t you tell me? You know that for me, only your happiness matters. It feels like you’re afraid of me, afraid to tell me anything—as if I’m a threat. When have I ever behaved like a threat?”

I confessed, “I feel pity and guilt, but more than that, I feel like a bad person with a bad character. If you think that way, then I’ve failed miserably. But if not, why are you doing this?”

For the first time, she cried silently while hugging me. I felt her pain and guilt, and I told her, “It’s okay. Maybe someday you’ll reply—on the day when your belief in me is stronger. Until then, I know you love me, and I’ll carry that love until my end.”

The vehicle stopped at the Transco office. I entered, had a discussion with CE Construction, and waited for SE. It was her birthday, and I knew it would take her long to finish. By 2:30 p.m., I started back for my office, but my thoughts returned to her.

I didn’t close my eyes this time. Instead, I wondered: Does she ever feel how much I miss her? Does she remember me sometimes? I don’t know how many times I’ve cried for her—every day inside myself. Does she never feel anything? Maybe her family and friends are stopping her. But will she listen to them? I don’t think so. She always came back to me. I don’t know what’s holding her this time.

Later, I visited Kailash Enterprises to tell him that Transco’s interest lies with Liegion, not them. On the way back, my thoughts returned to her again. I imagined if she were here, I would meet her daily, spend every day with her. We would have explored all of Hyderabad. I recently learned there are many places nearby worth visiting. The first thing I would have done is taken her to Ananthagiri Hills, and then to the forests of Srisailam for a jungle safari.

I miss her. I miss her deeply. I don’t know how to ask her for forgiveness. I felt myself going crazy, so I asked the driver to stop for a smoke. After smoking, I tried to meditate in the vehicle. Then I told the driver to take me home instead of the office.

We reached home at 5:30 p.m. That house now haunts me daily with questions. I had tea with Mom, then unwillingly started working on my MBA project. The consultant’s news was depressing again—I need Telangana-based identity proof to apply for a visa from Delhi. This visa process frustrates me endlessly, and I don’t know how to resolve it.

I worked until 11:00 p.m. That’s when I finally slept, and the day ended there.

19th November 2025

The day began at 9:00 a.m. for me. There was a visit planned with Amazon today. After my regular cleaning, I left for the office around 10:00 a.m. Nowadays, I usually take breakfast just before leaving for work.

I went straight to the airport, as one of my colleagues from the sales division was arriving. On the way, I found myself thinking about my life. In the past two years, I must have come to the airport nearly 30 times and crossed it more than 100. Each time I pass, I look at every vehicle, hoping to see her face. Life takes such unexpected turns.

Near the airport, I called my colleague, and he said he would take 15 minutes. To pass the time, I smoked a cigarette, noticing how different this side of the airport looked compared to what I had seen before. When he arrived, I picked him up, and together we went to the site scheduled for tomorrow’s visit. On the way, we discussed upcoming Microsoft projects. At the site, we planned how to present the land to the Amazon team. We continued our discussions until we reached one of our old sites, where we met the new project manager. I learned he was also from our old company, KSK.

By 3:00 p.m., I was free and went home for lunch. At 3:30 p.m., I started back to the office, but my heart was elsewhere—with her. I asked her to kiss me. I told her I had had enough and begged her to come back now. Closing my eyes, I imagined resting against her chest. I asked her to hug me tightly today, because I wanted to cry a lot.

I confessed that I had made mistakes, though never intentionally. I know that even if I cry for a lifetime, the punishment will not end. Still, I pleaded for her forgiveness one last time, because I cannot live without her. I admitted that today I wanted to be selfish—I wanted her to forgive me. I cried on her lap, and when I looked into her eyes, I asked if she did not believe me. Her eyes grew wet, but she did not reply. I could feel her pain. I begged her to forgive her Anshul today.

I opened my eyes when the driver said we had reached the office. My eyes were still wet, but I excused it by telling him I had slept and it was cold. I asked him to drive towards the city instead, saying I had some work there.

Lost in my thoughts, I met Cucii again in my mind. I told her, “Whatever punishment you want, give it to me. Without you, what is left in my life? I die every day without you, yet I live every moment with you. Can you live without me?” I told her I wanted to hug her, to feel her, to see her laughing beside me. I wanted to care for her the way she taught me, to walk next to her carrying her shopping bag.

I admitted that I still go crazy wanting to meet her, but I don’t message her because I feel like I’m disturbing her. I asked her, “Why does this feeling come to me? Are you not my Cucii? Take me out of this pain. Relieve me by forgiving me. If hearing me makes you feel hate, then I apologize deeply for that.”

I stopped my thoughts and asked the driver to take me home. I reached around 6:30 p.m. Mom asked me to bring a few things for the next day’s worship offering. I went to the market, collected all the items, and then shaved my beard. By 9:00 p.m., I was back home. Following tradition, I took a bath after returning from the salon.

I had dinner while watching a movie. These days, I wash the utensils at night, because it’s cold and I don’t want Mom to suffer. She doesn’t like leaving utensils unwashed, so she would do it herself otherwise. Now I do it regularly for her.

After finishing, I went back to my room and started watching the web series The Witcher. Within 10 to 15 minutes, I fell asleep. That is where my day ended.

20th November 2025

Today I had a scheduled discussion with Amazon, and I knew I had to be on time. My body woke up at 8:00 am, but depression—as usual—was in “On mode.” Because of that, I only managed to rise from bed around 8:30 am. I rushed to clean myself, one of my daily rituals, and had breakfast before leaving for the office at 9:30 am.

I had to pick up two colleagues before heading to the site, while two others were already on their way from there. We reached the site around 11:00 am. On the way, we discussed how to present the land and highlight our strengths. After a short exchange, silence filled the car. I understood they weren’t speaking much because I am more senior than them.

The silence broke near the site when we realized our customer had also visited a competitor’s land nearby. One colleague spoke loudly with enthusiasm, which felt awkward to me. I simply nodded and explained: we are in a competitive market, the field is open for all, and our role is only to demonstrate our products. The customer will choose what suits them. He didn’t seem satisfied but nodded anyway and began calling our other two colleagues.

They arrived within ten minutes, and we resumed discussing how to present to the Amazon team. The team pointed out that some details in the drawings needed to be removed, and we did that. The customer arrived around 12:20 pm, and the discussion began.

I remembered one colleague from sales had instructed office boy to serve snacks and water bottles immediately upon their arrival. In my view, this wasn’t necessary. I told them to simply keep the items on the table and let the customers help themselves. The sales team thought differently, but I stood by my perspective.

The visit ended around 1:00 pm when the Amazon team left. Our internal team stayed until about 1:30 pm, discussing a few other matters. I felt relieved once they left. These days, I don’t enjoy crowds or communication—it feels better to be alone.

I recalled a reel that perfectly matched my state of mind: “Now nothing feels good, I don’t want to make new relations, and every moment I live feels like dying again just to live another moment.”

On the way back to the city with one colleague, I told him I was sleepy and asked him to wake me when we reached the vendor’s office. I closed my eyes, lying on the car seat, and drifted into dreams of her.

I told her in my dream: “It’s like I don’t want to get well, because I want you to come back and make me well.” I laughed at myself and whispered: “Cucii, you came into my life and changed me, and then you changed your mind.”

Today she asked me if I really thought that way. Instinctively, I said “No,” but she asked again why I denied it. I told her it was also a reel I wanted to share with her. I asked her: “If you don’t come soon, I will die soon.” She kissed me and said she would come soon.

My colleague woke me up—we had reached the vendor’s office. We discussed schedules and payments, arriving around 3:00 pm and leaving by 3:30 pm. With no excuse to sleep anymore, my colleague and I began talking through pending tasks one by one.

Later, he asked me if I had ever married. I said no. I knew the next question would be “Why?” I replied it was due to personal circumstances. His curiosity wasn’t satisfied, but I also knew he would keep asking if I let the conversation continue. So I called my mom instead, asking her about a few things. I called different people too—mostly to avoid talking about my marriage.

We reached home around 6:00 pm, delayed by heavy office-hour traffic. At home, I locked myself in my room. My mind kept circling the question: What should I say if someone asks me about marriage? Recently in Mumbai, a vendor’s boss had asked me the same. I thought maybe I could say I was married once and she left me—but then they would ask why, and it would become more complicated. So it’s easier to stick with the truth: No, I never married.

I asked Cucii about it, but she didn’t reply. I don’t know how long I will live, but I do know this question will haunt me. I want time to move faster, and I hope this life ends on a good note.

My thoughts were interrupted when Mom called me for dinner. After eating, I pulled out my MBA project. I had promised myself I would dedicate time to it, but now it feels like another burden. Assignments have also arrived, and I must finish them.

I stayed awake until 1:00 am, working on the project while also watching a web series. That’s where my day ended—when sleep finally took me.

I miss her, dear diary. I miss you, Cucii.

21st November 2025

Today was again about the address change of my documents to Hyderabad, as asked by the visa consultant. I had already printed all the required papers yesterday.

I woke up at 9:30 am. Yesterday I had spoken with the gas agency over the phone, and they told me to come by 11:00 am. So, I spent the morning doing some normal cleaning, moving lazily, reluctant to drive to the office. After breakfast, I left home around 11:00 am.

As always, I performed my ritual of looking at her photos. But today, it wasn’t just the daily one—I kept scrolling through all the pictures we have, even those I uploaded to our website. In the washroom, I lingered longer than usual. It sounds comical, but that small seat has become my sanctuary. It’s where I cry, smoke, see her face in my mind, and think of her without interruption.

At the LPG vendor’s shop, I found three men—each behaving like fools. I argued with them, not physically, but enough to feel drained. By 1:00 pm, I was back at the office, repeatedly refreshing the Indian government website. It wasn’t working, and my frustration boiled over. In anger, I even wrote to the Oil and Gas Ministry head on Twitter, furious at how the system profits these vendors. After hours of struggle, the site finally worked, and by 4:00 pm my registration was complete. I had registered myself for a gas connection.

While juggling this, I was also working with colleagues. By 5:30 pm, we closed the day and I headed home. I reached by 6:30 pm, dropped off a colleague, and bought cooking materials my mom had asked for.

At home, I locked my room and made a list of pending tasks. The backlog felt heavy. Mom called me, asking if I would attend my cousin’s marriage. I told her I couldn’t, because of office work. She scolded me, saying I always avoid such occasions. I listened quietly, then returned to my room.

Her words lingered. She asked why I don’t meditate these days. I confessed my fear—that meditation might pull me away from responsibilities. I admitted I have no interest in life anymore. When I meditate, I lose myself for hours, and when I was with her, I never wanted to return from that state. Even in sleep, meditation carried me away. I fear that one day I won’t return, and though alive, I’ll become a burden.

I told her the truth: I long for meditation, but now I don’t want to come back from it. The only thing I want is her. When she is there, it feels like I should never return. Even if I see her faintly, it feels real. I begged her to come back. She didn’t reply. Reluctantly, I pulled myself out of those thoughts, though it felt like meditation again.

It was 1:00 am when I checked my phone. Mom had left food on the dining table. Hungry, I ate it cold. I remembered how I used to refuse cold food as a child, later warming it myself as I grew older. Now, I don’t care. I eat without interest.

After medicine, I planned to sleep, promising myself I’d meditate tomorrow and visit the temple I missed last week. But instead, I downloaded the web series Family Man to help me drift off. I kept watching until 7:00 am. Only when I went to the kitchen for water did I notice the wall clock. Mom was awake too. I lied, saying I had been studying late. She asked about food and the gas, and I answered casually, hiding the truth.

Back in my room, I thought about the series—the actor and his wife wanting divorce. I realized this happens to everyone: living together reveals weaknesses, and when life plans diverge, separation follows. I thought of Cucii. I listed what I disliked—her anger, her disbelief in me. Then I asked myself: why didn’t I leave her? I had no answer.

I wondered if leaving would have been better or worse. I realized that even if I had, I would have searched for her in someone else, and that would have been more painful. It’s not about justification—it’s about love. If I had wanted to surrender to society, I would have left long ago, back in 2012 or 2013 or 2014.

I don’t remember what else I thought. But as always, I ended my day with my ritual: whispering to Cucii, I miss you.

And that is where my day ends.

22nd November 2025

I woke up around 12:30 PM today, only because I had fallen asleep at 7:00 in the morning. My rhythm feels broken, and I even lost the raw script I had written last Saturday and Sunday. It wasn’t the usual way I write—normally I send myself messages on WhatsApp—but those two days I chose paper. Now the words are gone, but the memory of the days still lingers.

The day began at noon. I didn’t bathe, only brushed my teeth before lunch. My colleague had called; he wanted me to join him for driving practice, and I also had my own interest—to check the plots recommended by the real estate agent. We decided to leave around 2:00 PM after lunch.

I chose to sit in the hall with my mother for lunch, knowing that if I locked myself in my room, she would scold me again. We ate together after a long time—perhaps the last time was before Diwali. I started a web series, and we shared food side by side. That moment felt quietly precious.

Around 2:20 PM my colleague arrived, and we set out for the city. He drove well, though I sensed his nervousness—it was only a few times that he had ventured onto city roads and highways.

The first location the agent suggested was close to the airport. The area wasn’t developed yet, but we discussed its potential. Being near the airport, it seemed destined to grow. Then we drove to the second plot, about 62 kilometers away. Thanks to the outer ring road, it took only 40 minutes. The location was good, but a high-tension line cut through the land, a flaw we couldn’t ignore. We agreed both had promise, but the first plot felt stronger.

By 7:00 PM we returned to Shamshabad. I stopped at the vegetable market, buying what Mom had asked for. At 8:00 PM we reached home, and I showed her the plots on Google Maps. She listened, and I felt a quiet satisfaction in sharing.

Dinner was at 9:00 PM. Afterwards, I asked Mom to rest and went to my room. There, I whispered an apology to Cucii. I hadn’t met her in my thoughts today—I was too distracted, too afraid of my colleague’s driving. I told her I wasn’t afraid of death itself, but of being left undead, defective, broken. She looked at me with anger. I asked her to calm down, to lie on me, and I apologized again.

I shared with her a reel that had caught my attention: "You will die, oh gentle one, because love brings death and not salvation. You burn so fiercely in love that salvation itself begs you to accept him."

She said she didn’t understand. I explained: my heart beats for her and is not salvation—it is death, because I am still dying for her. She still resisted. I told her to stop asking, just rest her head on my chest, and listen. My heartbeat whispered: “Cucci, come back.”

I closed my eyes, held her in my arms, started a podcast, and drifted toward sleep. Perhaps I slept, perhaps I only dreamed. That is where my day ends.

Love you, Cucii.

23rd November 2025

Today is Sunday. Other than sleeping late, there is no fun left for me here. I woke up at 10:40 AM, and Mom asked if I wanted to have meat. I said no. I told her I wasn’t going out today because I had to complete my MBA project assignment. I also thought to myself—I don’t want to burn fuel anymore just to find peace. I must understand that my love is with me forever.

I took a bath; it had already been a day since I hadn’t. Cucii teased me, saying I smelled like hell. I laughed and said, “Okay, I’ll bathe.” Afterwards, I asked Mom to get me some food. She said lunch could be prepared within an hour and asked if I wanted breakfast. I said no, just tea. I smoked a cigarette with tea and told Mom and Cucii that I needed to complete my assignment.

I opened my MBA portal and saw there were ten papers to be filled as part of the assignment. I began with International Marketing. Before starting the exam around 12:30 PM, I asked Mom if lunch was ready. She said yes and served me food. After eating, I started the paper at 1:00 PM. It had 22 objective questions, and I finished by 1:40 PM.

Next, I studied Artificial Intelligence and gave the exam at 4:00 PM. I kept going, one after another, and by 11:00 PM I had completed five papers. She asked me if I was tired. I said, “Never for you.”

Around 11:00 PM, I asked Mom if there was some food. I ended up eating the morning’s food again at night. The assignments had to be done in front of the camera with no sound, which gave me cover from Mom the whole day—though unplanned.

At 11:30 PM, I told Mom I was going to sleep. Before bed, I wrote on my website: “If I died someday…” Then I went to Cucii. She asked me why I wrote that. I said, “If someday Rose visits the website, she will know I never gave up till the end, and that I only loved her.”

I told Cucii to be quiet and listen to the podcast. I felt mentally exhausted, but sleep didn’t come until 2:30 AM. Tears came—not from sadness, but from sheer tiredness. My body refused to rest. I asked Cucii when she would come. She said, “Soon.”

I kept listening to the podcast, and I understood Cucii had fallen asleep.

Good night, Cucii. See you soon.

24th November 2025

I woke up around 9:30 am this morning. As planned, I wasn’t going anywhere except to the gas agency. I need to change my address proof to Hyderabad, because only then will I be eligible to get a visa from the China embassy in Delhi. Otherwise, I would have to go to Kolkata, where they only allow physical submission. I called customer care and learned that I should go there after lunch.

I started for the office around 10:30 am, after completing my usual morning rituals and breakfast. Today I wanted to check the rest of my MBA assignments, so I played one lecture on my mobile and listened to it on the way. But the heart doesn’t always follow the mind—it drifted to her.

She pinched me and asked what I was doing, even though she knew I was listening to the lecture. I said, “I’m listening to the lecture.” She asked, “Do you think it’s good if I’m not here?” I said “No,” but inside I thought about how true it was. When she was with me, I gave less importance to her words, always assuming she was there. Now it’s different—I miss her more than anything.

I kept thinking about why I never told her that I would use half the money so we could invest and gain profit for our marriage. I remembered the day I told her I would create a bank account for her and start depositing money. She denied it. I realize now that by then she had already lost faith in me.

At the office, to escape my guilt, I played the song “Every Night in My Dreams” from Titanic. It struck me that it had been a long time since I added music to my site, so I planned to add this one today. With my earbuds on, I asked my colleague about the schedule. He mentioned a few pending mails that needed replies, and I also understood there were some design-related compliance issues from Amazon’s site enquiry that required responses along with the schedule. We worked until 3:00 pm.

Then I went to the gas agency. They asked for my photos, which I promised to bring the next day. I thought of telling the consultant that updating my Aadhar address proof would take time, but I didn’t. I also wanted to ask Cucii for a letter of invitation, but I held back. Last time I told her I would forge the invitation letter, but I never did. I didn’t because I don’t know the government regulations there, or how it might affect her.

I want to see her, but I don’t want to disturb her. On the way to and back from the gas agency, I felt panic rising, almost a kind of madness. I stopped at a cigarette shop—after a long time, I smoked two cigarettes in a row.

I returned home around 5:30 pm. I locked myself in my room, told Mom I was very tired, and lay down on my bed. I cried silently for a while, without any clear thoughts, just lying there. My mind wandered back to her. I asked her in my heart: Why don’t you feel my thoughts? How could I ever be a cheater to you? Am I deluded in believing I love you? What is stopping you from talking to me?

I asked: Have I ever brought bad fame to you? Have I ever disrespected you? I have devoted my whole life to her—no marriage, no children, nothing else. Sometimes I wonder: if I die after my parents, will anyone even take my body for cremation? Or will it rot until the smell alerts the neighbors?

Even after all this, I still stand for her, waiting for her. Yet I don’t even have the privilege of her speaking to me, telling me what she is doing in life, or where I stand in it. When I try to talk to her, she asks some gentleman to reply instead.

Panicked, I went to the shop to buy some booze. I came back around 8:30 pm—I remember looking at the watch. I told Mom I was sleepy and wouldn’t have dinner. Again, I locked myself in my room and drank the booze I had bought. Sleep didn’t come, so I started watching the web series The Witcher.

I think I finally slept around 2:30 am. That’s where my day ended.

I really want to talk to her diary. I want her to be happy ever and still want to know what my life meant for.

25th November 2025

The day began at 9:00 AM. I had a discussion planned with the Transco official around 11:00 AM. My routine was simple—breakfast with oats and cornflakes, so different from the traditional Indian food I grew up with.

I left home at 9:45 AM, picking up my colleague on the way. He wanted to show me a place he had visited last Sunday, and I was curious because I am searching for land to buy. As we drove toward the city, I told him again that I was sleepy. I put on my earphones, shifted to the front seat where I could recline into a semi-sleeper position, and tried to meditate.

But meditation carried me into her dreams. The alcohol I had consumed yesterday left me dizzy. In that dream, she appeared—angry, her eyes burning with disappointment.

I asked her, “What happened?” She said, “You drink.” I replied, “So what?” She said, “I don’t like it.” I asked, “Why do I drink?” She answered, “Because you want to.”

I pressed further, “Is it that you don’t want to accept the truth, or you don’t want to say it?” She stayed silent. I told her, “Psychology says if I cannot put someone out of my mind, then the other person cannot either. I don’t even know where you are, what you’re doing, and still I wait for you. Don’t I deserve to fix my crazy self with booze?”

I reminded her that I no longer call, no longer message, no mails, no pings. I only meet her in these dreams, and even here she is angry. I calmed myself, apologized, and she hugged me—like my Cucii always does.

I asked, “You are my Cucii, right?” She nodded yes. I promised, “I will try not to drink. I will restart meditation.”

Yet I confessed my fear: “Cucii, I want to be gone, but I am afraid I will become a restless soul without her. I don’t know if she ever looks for me, thinks of me, or loves me. Because when we love someone, their pain hurts us too.”

I remembered January, when she shouted at me—it felt like she was throwing things. I was crazy then, desperate to bring her happiness, so I went all the way to Zambia. But I realized that connecting to her only made her feel more restless after meditation, so I stopped messaging, stopped mailing, stopped pinging her anywhere.

I asked Cucii, “Do you know how I die every day? How can she think I don’t want to give her money, or that it’s just an excuse to get rid of me? If money was everything, why would I wait for her all these years? Waiting has only cost me, never gained me anything. She must have her reasons, her theories. But for me, it has always been her. Yes, I have flaws, but my love is true.”

I remembered when she had an abortion—she never forced me to love her. When she came to India, we connected and planned marriage. Why did I wait for her if money was everything? If I were obsessed with money, I could have married an Indian girl and received dowry. But I didn’t. I waited for her. I still wait.

I love children, but I want her more than a child. I want her as she is—without money, without anything. If she thinks her home in China is a benefit to me, I want her to know I researched long ago: Indians rarely get a green card in China. So what benefit do I have, other than her love? That love is precious, and I stay only for that.

She thinks I am not responsible. But have I ever abandoned responsibility? I never left my parents, even when life was hard. Why would I leave her? People usually leave those who are weak or cannot earn. I did not.

Anyway, Cucii, I believe in my love. Let’s see how long it takes.

I admitted to Cucii that I had taken her for granted, something I realized after 2021. I forgot birthdays, fought with her, got angry—but I never thought of leaving. My way of loving was shallow, thinking love was only in the moments we were together. I regret not diving deeper then. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t believe me. I know it’s my fault, but my heart refuses to accept that she wants to leave me.

I miss her, Cucii. Please tell her.

The day continued—I met the Transco official, then took a long route to see the land parcel my colleague had mentioned. But my mind remained with Cucii.

At home, I gave my photos to my colleague to hand over to the gas agency, asking him to check when the staff would come for collection. Later, I went to my room. Mom was talking with the neighbor aunty. I told her I would sleep for an hour, locked my room, and sank into thoughts of Cucii.

I remembered how I forgot her birthday in 2019, miscalculating the date because of a site issue with the stacker reclaimer that consumed two days. I realized I was still giving excuses. Work was always my priority, but now I see that I lost everything because of it. Work was never so important.

Now I have lost interest in work, in booze, in people. I feel I have no interest in anything. I understand I took her for granted. I thought business or stock markets were the easiest way to earn, but they only made me lose money. Education would have been better. Was it an excuse, or was it true? I don’t know. But now it feels like all my mistakes were born of carelessness and selfishness. I was never able to make her believe me.

By 7:00 PM, Mom called for tea. I pretended to sleep. At 8:00 PM, I tried meditation again, but I saw Rose crying. I couldn’t bear it. I went to another room, sat beside Mom, and started a web series on the computer to distract myself.

But guilt weighed heavy—I had brought her to that condition. My mind was restless. I took the car keys, went out to smoke. I told myself no booze, and reluctantly controlled the urge.

I returned home around 10:00 PM after a couple of cigarettes, had dinner, and watched a web series on my mobile before going to my room—which now feels haunted to me.

The day ended at 2:30 AM, with an apology whispered to both Cucii and Rose. 

Please forgive me Rose. You are my Cucii.

26th November 2025

The day began at 8:30 in the morning. I followed my routine—cleaned myself up, dressed, and prepared for another day. After breakfast, I told Mom that I wouldn’t be coming home for lunch. I explained that I had to go to the city, and returning in time wasn’t possible.

At the office, I first printed a few documents needed for discussion. As soon as I reached the site, one of my vendor colleagues started an argument about work. His words disturbed me, and I don’t know why, but I became angry and furious. After the discussion, I rested for half an hour to calm myself. Later, my colleagues and I finished the printing and cleared some pending tasks.

Around 1:30 PM, I left for the city after completing my work at the gas agency. Finally, I managed to get a new gas connection for home. It wasn’t that I didn’t have gas earlier, but the process had taken so long that I was using one borrowed from a colleague. Since I now need address proof for Hyderabad, I took a new connection.

I had lunch outside today. Hunger struck me after so many days, and it felt unusual. In the car, I told my driver I wanted to sleep. I put on my earphones, started a podcast, and closed my eyes—my thoughts drifted to Cucii. After a while, I stopped the podcast and switched to meditation music, trying to meditate in the car. I wanted to think of nothing, but she kept appearing in my mind.

She whispered, “Let’s go to Inorbit,” and suddenly I was reliving our visits there, the time we spent together. I asked her to leave me alone, to let me be still. But again she came, saying, “Let’s have pizza,” and I found myself with her at Domino’s. This cycle kept repeating—her voice, her presence, her memories—until I reached home at 6:00 PM.

At the Transco office, I learned after waiting that the CE ma’am wasn’t available due to a medical emergency at home. Back at home, I set alarms for drinking water and meditation. I had tea with Mom and spoke with her about the rituals of worship that needed to be done.

In India, months are divided into different terms. Now it is Margashirsha, when we pray to Goddess Lakshmi every Thursday, along with her husband Vishnu, the preserver of the universe. Similarly, during the monsoon months, we worship Lord Shiva, the god of destruction, and Goddess Parvati, the goddess of power. There are many such months. I realized I had never told Mom about this, and perhaps she wasn’t interested—she doesn’t believe in religion.

At 7:00 PM, I began meditation again. Though I had left it for several days, I tried to align myself with the practice. I saw flashes of her—this time lying on a bed. It will take time to settle into meditation again, but I already feel better than yesterday and the day before. Those days were filled with endless questions, but today feels lighter. I remind myself: it’s okay. Cucii and I are fine. Life may not have much left, but soon it will be okay.

Dinner with Mom was simple. She teased me, saying “hello” in my ears, making me smile. Afterward, I cleaned the utensils as usual and said good night to her at 11:00 PM. She made beautiful patterns on the floor, and I sat nearby, accompanying her as she worked outside the home door.

Later, I started watching The Witcher. For some reason, my eyes grew wet as I watched—tears lingered with sorrow I didn’t want to think about. I kept watching until 2:00 AM, and finally, sleep came.

Good night, Cucii. I miss you.

27th November 2025

The day started late for me at 9:30 am. I had already woken up at 8:00 am, but I didn’t want to rise from bed. My body was awake, yet my heart resisted. I had to go to Transco again today. After my regular cleaning and breakfast, I left at 10:30 am.

Inside the vehicle, I tried to meditate—tried to empty my mind and search for her. She came to me with a bright smile. Her hair brushed against my face, and she asked to rest her head there. I told her the sun was too bright and asked if she wanted to cover my face from the direct light. She only nodded, smiling softly.

I asked her about her routine these days. She said nothing. Her hair carried the same familiar fragrance of the shampoo she used to apply. I asked if we could go on a road trip when we meet in India. Again, silence.

I told her about my plan to purchase a plot near the Outer Ring Road, about 10–15 km from the airport and close to Wonderla. Then I broke down. I told Cucii, “It’s enough now. I can’t take this anymore. Please forgive me and come back.” I begged her—if she couldn’t come, then at least call me to her. I confessed I need a job, but even if she asked me to live in hell, I would live there for her.

I pleaded: “Forgive me. Either come to me or tell me where to come for you. I’ll leave my job and stay with you until I find another. I only need a few months and some support. I just want to be with you.”

I admitted she must think I’m still a burden, but I promised I could work anywhere—at a gas station, a hotel, anywhere—until I find stability. I told her I don’t want anyone but her. She listened silently.

A call disturbed me. My friend wanted me to complete eKYC. I realized I was near the meeting place. It was already 12:40 pm, so I asked the driver to go to the bank first before people left for lunch. At the bank, they told me the eKYC would be done at another branch. We drove there, only to realize it was still the wrong location. Finally, at the third branch, I completed the eKYC by 2:15 pm.

From there, I returned to the utility office for discussions with three different people. By 3:00 pm, the meeting ended, and we started back home. On the way, I stopped at the Aadhaar service center to change my address for visa purposes. The lady in charge wasn’t available, so I had to return the next day.

By 4:00 pm, I was heading home again. I counted—it was my fourth cigarette of the day. I reminded myself I need to reduce smoking; it raises my blood pressure and leaves me breathless. I recalled the doctor had asked me to do some medical tests three weeks ago. I still haven’t done them.

Back in the vehicle, my thoughts returned to her. She appeared again. I told her not to feel pressured by what I said earlier. I asked if her life felt okay. She didn’t look at me. I told Cucii that Rose deserves someone better, because I don’t want this kind of life for her.

I admitted: “Life looks fine from the outside, but inside me everything is dying. Something within tells me to keep holding on, and I will hold it until the end. I pray it’s not the same for you—you must have a good life.”

I whispered: “You know, Cucii, I miss her. I find moments to spend with you, even if only in my thoughts.”

People now call me a good boss. They say I don’t get angry, don’t scold, and work with proper ethics. But they don’t know the war raging inside me. Work, friends, alcohol, parties, colleagues, movies, cars, home, food, clothes, festivals—none of it interests me anymore.

I tell myself I must stay, but my mind always wants to escape—escape from thoughts, from responsibilities that bind me. Meditation feels like the only relief. In meditation, I tell myself not to think, and in that emptiness, I reach a point of zero where I meet her. It’s never clear, but I believe I’ve seen her.

Sometimes I fear that one day I won’t return from meditation. That I’ll stay with her forever. That day, responsibilities will crush me as a burden. Instead of being support, I’ll become a liability. I fear it would be like falling into a coma. I’d rather my body end than live as a burden.

By 6:00 or 6:30 pm, I reached home. Mom was talking to the neighbor lady, so I went to my room. At 8:30 pm, Mom knocked on my door, waking me. She looked at me strangely and asked if I had been drinking again. I looked back with anger and said no. She seemed to understand, but I avoided further discussion.

After dinner, I returned to my room. I started watching a web series and kept at it until I fell asleep around 2:30 am.

I miss her deeply, Diary. I want her to be happy, and I want peace for myself.

This day ends here.

28th November 2025

I woke up today at 12:30 noon, after sleeping through the entire morning. Sometimes it feels as if I don’t want to rise at all—as if the day itself prefers to pass inside dreams. I vaguely remember waking at 9:30 a.m., lying in my own bed, then drifting back to sleep. Again at 10:30 a.m., I stirred, moved to the sofa, and surrendered to sleep once more.

My mom told me that I woke up with small sounds, so it’s hard for her to know whether I was truly awake or just lying in laziness. I don’t recall any sound or movement—I only remember the dreams. In them, I was with her, holding her close, pulling her toward me, feeling her warmth.

By 12:30 noon, hunger finally pulled me out of bed. I asked Mom for food, but she told me to bathe and clean up first. I insisted I would do that afterward, and surprisingly, she agreed. I don’t know why she allows this now. I remember her strictness from childhood—she would never eat before bathing. The only exceptions were tea in the morning, and now the organic drink she keeps overnight in water. She used to enforce the same rule for me and my sister, though sometimes she showed leniency when we were burdened with other activities. But not like now, when I sleep half the day. Her patience surprises me.

I ate lunch without even brushing my teeth, then immediately went to the Aadhaar service centre to update my address. I returned around 2:30 p.m. and, once again, fell asleep.

In my dreams, she asked me what I remembered about her body. I told her about the scar on her back from the accident—something she dislikes, but I cherish. She asked, “Only that much?” and I laughed, saying yes. Then I added, “A better question would be: what have I forgotten about you?” She turned to me and laughed again. I asked, “Do you think I forget anything?” I told her it’s normal for men to pretend we don’t care, but deep down, we do.

I confessed that I don’t remember the way she told me to memorize her password—it was typical, but I do remember her asking me to carry her bags while shopping. I remember her telling me to keep her on the safer side of the road while walking. I remember how she disliked water splashing in large volumes while washing utensils. I remember the mole on her back, how she loved sleeping in my arms, and how we often woke up on opposite sides of the bed. I remember her saying she loved her Anshul.

When I asked her what she remembered about me, she simply whispered, “Anshul.” I kissed her forehead, then her lips. I pulled her close, hugged her with one arm, and let her hair fall across my face, covering me. I drifted back into sleep.

At 6:30 p.m., I woke again. She was gone, yet my eyes kept searching for her. The scent of incense filled the air—Mom was performing her evening prayers. In India, it is common to pray twice a day, lighting incense and clay lamps, chanting shlokas. Traditionally, it is done by the male member of the family, but I never took up that role. Still, I always loved the ritual. Morning prayers follow the bath, and evening prayers follow sunset. It feels like thanking God daily—for the beginning and the end of each day.

At 7:00 p.m., I opened my MBA project, added a few things, and also checked details about the bicycle I want to purchase. Dinner came around 9:30 p.m. Later, I went to my room, scrolled through reels, and eventually started watching The Witcher.

My day ended at 3:30 a.m.—another whole day spent with Cucii, even if only in dreams. I love you.

29th November 2025

The day began at 10:00 am. It was Saturday, and the cold air carried a quiet stillness. My schedule felt heavy—lunar call, design meetings, safety discussions, and an interview that lingered in my mind like a shadow.

I checked in with the driver, telling him I’d be ready in 20 minutes, only to learn he had taken leave. So I followed my routine: a bath, breakfast, and then I set out alone. By 10:30 am, I was behind the wheel, and by 11:00 am, I reached the office.

On the way, Cucii teased me playfully, but my mind drifted. I was physically present yet mentally absent, and in that haze, a near miss jolted me back. I tightened my grip on the wheel, whispered to Cucii to stay calm, and forced myself into focus.

At the office, I joined the lunar call. It felt more like a sales pitch, the team discussing new projects with enthusiasm I couldn’t share. My interest was faint, so I worked alongside colleagues instead. By 12:10 pm, the call ended, and I asked for updates on the projects. The discussion stretched until 12:50 pm, when I realized the safety call hadn’t happened. Checking my mails, I found it had been cancelled.

I asked HR to postpone the interview to Monday, as other work pressed on me. By 2:00 pm, I left for home, calling Mom to let her know I was free earlier than expected. She had planned for us to leave for Hyderabad at 4:00 pm, so I told her to get ready sooner.

At home, I ate quickly by 3:00 pm, and then we set out for the city. We visited four different sites to check land proposed by the consultant, and stopped at an utensils shop to look at brass plates, though we didn’t buy any. The journey stretched nearly 200 km, and by 8:30 pm, we finally returned home, weary but together.

Dinner was simple—the food prepared in the morning. I told Mom I was exhausted and would sleep. In my room, I turned to Cucii, confessing my tiredness and asking to rest on her lap. She welcomed me, letting me sink into her embrace, covering me with her hair like a blanket.

I whispered to her to come back soon, admitting how much I missed her. Somewhere between those words and her warmth, sleep claimed me. I don’t know when I drifted off, but she remained by my side, even as I kissed her in dreams.

30th November 2025

Sunday—a day of thoughts and of pain. It began for me at 12:30 PM. Not that I woke up then; I had already woken up multiple times earlier. But she didn’t let me rise from bed to do any real work.

I asked her what she wanted for dinner. She didn’t say anything. I reminded her, “Do you still like that potato fry?” I confessed that I am still not able to cut the potatoes into the small pieces the way she did. I’ve tried many times, but I still fail.

I told her something she doesn’t know: since 2019, I haven’t eaten Chinese food. Even when my niece asked for it at restaurants, I refused. I wanted to eat it, yes—but only if she cooked it.

I asked her if she had traveled to any new places after 2019. Again, silence. I asked why she never tells me anything, why she only listens. She finally said, “It’s good to listen to you.”

I opened my eyes and saw the time—12:30 PM. I told her, “Mom is alone. I have to see her. I’ll go for lunch and then come back.”

I got up from bed, taking a moment to adjust to the real world. In the drawing room, Mom was watching her usual laughter series. I asked if dinner was prepared; she nodded yes. She asked if I would take a bath. I said, “After lunch.”

We ate lunch together, watching that same serial. It was supposed to be funny, but it felt fake, less real. After lunch, I washed all the utensils. Mom went to her room for rest. I stayed in the drawing room, working on my laptop—just to make her feel I was okay, that I was doing something.

At 2:30 PM, I returned to my room to sleep again. I lay in bed, trying to keep my head in the real world. But it didn’t happen. Cucii was back again.

She asked what I had eaten. I told her: rice, dal, and fried cabbage. She asked if I still loved fish. I said yes, and asked if she did too. She said yes.

I told her I had found a new place—the Northeast, with its scenic beauty and mountains. “This time we should visit there,” I said. I told her I had chosen many places to visit with her, and I was only waiting to be with her to go. I asked if she wanted to go. Silence again.

I told her sometimes I feel like leaving everything behind—going to a silent place with no humans, no phones, no hunger. Just me, my meditation, and her in my thoughts.

I confessed that I feel tired, bound by responsibilities that keep holding me. I told her that in Hinduism, life on earth is called the valley of sufferings—a punishment we must endure. Souls change bodies, one after another. When a body dies, the soul enters a new one. Souls belong to heaven, but due to mistakes or reasons unknown, they are sent to earth.

There are cases of reincarnation, which serve as proof. But why punishment? Because here, demons win over us. We worship gods and demi-gods—Sun, Air, Water, Earth, Moon, Love, Nature, the nine planets. But we also face demons—anger, greed, pain, attachment.

In heaven, souls are free. Demons cannot win. But when souls enter bodies, demons overpower them. That’s why we feel emotions—love and separation, health and sickness, aging and pain. When demons win, life becomes suffering. That’s why earth is called valley of sufferings.

Souls are energy. They never die. I think I bored her with all this. But I wanted to explain why I must face pain here, in this valley and why I feel like I want to leave.

Diary, you know how things change. I cannot explain it, but sometimes the pain is so heavy that I wish to leave.

I woke again at 7:30 PM. It felt like I had dragged her into a long, boring session. I started a web series to escape my thoughts. It was dull, so I scrolled through reels instead.

One reel caught my attention: “Pain will stay, whatever anybody says. It’s always there. But now is the time to embrace it.”

Another reel echoed her voice: “She asked me, ‘Don’t you get tired of fighting?’ I said, ‘This world is my fight, and you are my victory. I will not get tired until I win.’”

At 9:30 PM, Mom asked about dinner. I denied. The reels kept playing, and so did the water from my eyes. I thought maybe I need to drink more water these days.

I tried listening to songs to sleep. Failed. Then I started a crime podcast. Eventually, I drifted into sleep—maybe at 2:00 or 2:30 AM.

The day ends here. I miss you, Cucii—like a part of my body has been separated.

1st December 2025

The day today is Monday, and my office starts around 8:30 am. I did my regular cleaning and bath to prepare for work. After breakfast, I found myself in the car heading to the office around 9:30 am.

On the way, I thought of her—it gives me some relief. I wished her good morning. She asked why I hadn’t slept well at night. I told her, “You keep disturbing me every time I try to sleep.” She asked what she did, and I said, “Your eyes keep opening and looking at me. Earlier, when you used to look at me, I could sleep peacefully. Now, when you are not with me, I cannot sleep.” She smiled.

I reached the office around 10:00 am. I asked everyone if I could take a nap until the coffee was ready. These days I drink black coffee—it’s good for fatty liver, and I have one. I worked until 1:30 pm and then went home for lunch. Lunch is only an excuse; I want to be with her in dreams. The driver asked for leave, so I drove myself. When drivers used to drive, I had the chance to close my eyes and dream of her. When they don’t, I dream of her with open eyes.

I told her that nowadays I talk to myself, and since there are so many cameras, I sometimes fear people will think I’m going mad. She laughed at me—with wet eyes, I guess. I had lunch, and within half an hour, I was driving back to the office.

I completed most of the work and then started looking at job postings, applying to many. These days I apply to countless jobs, but luck never brings me anything good. At around 4:00 pm, I interviewed one candidate and closed my day at 5:20 pm.

Back in the car, I tried meditation. I’ve started practicing it sometimes and continue at home too. I even set alarms for it. I reached home by 6:00 pm and went to my room. Mom called me for tea and asked me to sit with her in the drawing room. She seemed in a different mood. She started watching a laughter TV series she often enjoys and kept trying to talk to me. I didn’t understand the reason, and she gave no hint. Every time I tried to go back to my room, she asked me to do some work.

She asked so many things—the Prime Minister of Pakistan, the actor who died recently, the “Sir Drive” of India, and more that I didn’t know. I kept searching on Google and showed her some videos as references. Around 10:00 pm, we had dinner. I realized she wanted to keep me engaged in discussion. In my mind, I thought I must find a way to escape that.

After dinner, I went to my room and started thinking about my Cucii. She asked me once if I remembered her trip to Sri Lanka, where she told me she kept looking for me. I cried—loud inside, but with no sound outside, locked in my washroom. It took me an hour to come out of those thoughts and out of the washroom.

I felt pity for my life—that I cannot even cry aloud. I opened a podcast and kept listening until I fell asleep around 1:00 am.

The day ends here. Please forgive me, Cucii.

2nd December 2025

The day started for me at 9:30 am. Once again, I had to go to Transco, but this time to a different location. This authority has truly pissed me off with their attitude. Thinking about all this, I went ahead with my regular routine—getting fresh, taking a bath, and having breakfast.

By 10:30 am, I started toward the city. In the vehicle, I tried to meditate, but calls kept disturbing me. I put my phone on silent mode, yet my colleague’s call came through. He informed me about a discussion with the vendor. These days, I handle most of these talks over the phone. We reached the office and completed the discussion right there in the parking area.

Inside the office, I met the Transco official. We discussed matters until 2:30 pm. After finishing, I started back home. On the way, I remembered I had to meet the vendor, so I asked the driver to divert to his location. Sometimes my driver feels naïve to me—he doesn’t even know the roads of Hyderabad well. We finally reached the vendor’s place around 4:30 pm. After a short 15-minute discussion, I started back home.

That was when I found time for meditation. I put on my earpods, listened to meditation music, and then stopped the sound to sit in silence. I told myself not to think of anything—but that never happens. She came back to me again.

She asked, “Was today busy?” I said, “Yes.” She laughed, “It’s always the same for you, even when we were together.” I replied, “No, it wasn’t like that.” She smiled with disbelief. I laughed too, bitterly, at my luck.

I told her, “Do you know the mistakes we made in our time together?” She asked, “What mistakes?” I said, “We never worked together on our problems—the problem of not staying together, the problem of finding jobs, the problem of earning more. I should have left my job in India and gone with you to China to search for work. That way, we could have stayed together. Or I should have left my job and searched in Hyderabad with you. Instead, we fought those battles individually.”

I confessed that buying a home in China was a wrong decision. We should have first tried to settle together, supporting each other. Maybe we could have studied or trained for jobs in the same location. Even taking leaves to help each other would have been better.

I told her, “We never worked as a team. We loved each other, but we loved our ego more. I can say now—I loved you less than my ego.” I asked her forgiveness, but the guilt kept tightening its grip on me.

I opened my eyes, realizing that keeping them closed only made the pain heavier. I saw the road and knew home was near. I asked the driver to stop for a cigarette. As I smoked, I wondered why all mistakes seemed to be mine. The answer, I thought, was my irresponsibility. Looking at myself in the car mirror, I felt like a demon of guilt lived inside me.

We reached home around 7:00 pm. I went straight to my room. Thoughts kept circling: people don’t commit suicide because of love—they do it because of guilt. I wondered again why I’m not like other men. I could have enjoyed life like them. I have money. I could afford women who sell themselves. Why can’t I live like that?

I thought about it—yes, I could buy sex, a body soft to touch, but without love. Then I asked myself: why do I need love? After all the thoughts, I concluded—love is the only thing that gives peace. Even though she isn’t physically with me, her thoughts alone bring me peace. I may buy a girl, but how can I buy peace? The peace I’ve been searching for since 2019.

I washed my face to hide my wet eyes from Mom. Then I went to the drawing room and asked her for dinner. We ate together. After dinner, I tried meditating again, keeping my head low, telling myself not to think. But guilt kept returning, and I kept blaming myself.

Later, I started watching a web series. Sleep came late—around 3:30 am.

The day ends here. I am sorry.