Dear Diary

06th September 2025

Another day blurs into the next. I hadn’t slept at all, so by 5:00 AM morning I was crawling with restlessness and craving a cigarette. I wandered into the night, half-writing my blog, half-watching a web series, and completely lost in thought. Hours slipped by until I must have finally dozed off around 8:00 AM, only to be startled awake at 12:20 PM by the chant of Ganesha’s morning worship.

In the kitchen, I gulped water, and Mom asked me to reheat the tea. I drank it down, then went to freshen up. After my bath, I folded my hands before Ganesha’s idol. Mom explained the plan to carry him to the reservoir for his farewell, and reminded me to eat something before we left.

Office calls then came in—documents needed my signature—so I signed and returned them as quickly as I could. A small argument flared when I wanted to leave early; my guilt and the familiar ache in my chest pounded as I started the car. Mom and Dad climbed in, the clay idol tucked safely beside us.

Driving felt impossible when my heart and mind refused to align. It always happens, but with Ganesha’s departure it felt even worse. Thoughts of her dogged me at every turn; I carry them like a weight I cannot set down. At the reservoir, I performed the final rituals without shedding a tear, though inside I was breaking.

The ride home was silent—our car heavy with unspoken goodbyes. Back at home, the walls felt ordinary yet utterly devoid of peace. To distract everyone, I queued up a web series and uploaded my blog post—words I’d woven together while driving, raw and tangled with emotion.

No sooner had I hit “Publish” than a panic attack seized me. I wondered if she’d even read it. Desperate, I bolted to the corner shop and smoked two cigarettes in quick succession, laughing bitterly at my own failed plan to quit.

And now I’m here, writing my diary once more so that she can hear me. Even if she never does, I know, I carried her with me today.

07 September 2025

Today I am here again—another day to start with. The night didn’t end until 5:10 am. I woke at 10:00 am; seeing it was Sunday, I drifted back to sleep, half-listening to something on YouTube that I couldn’t name, only its sound. My eyes opened again at 12:10 pm, but after glancing at the screen, I closed them once more to escape everyone and everything.

They finally reopened at 3:00 pm to my parents’ silent stares. I forced a laugh and said, “It’s Sunday,” refused lunch, grabbed my car keys, and slipped onto the road with only her in my thoughts.

I pressed the accelerator without knowing where I was headed, veering off the highway onto quiet village lanes. I wanted solitude—even away from the hum of the engine. I switched on a random podcast and resisted checking the map; I just wanted to keep rolling. Every cremation ground I passed reminded me that death is inevitable, and panic seized me: what if I died before I could say sorry? Warm tears blurred the road as regret and longing washed over me.

A rough patch jolted me back to consciousness, and I finally glanced at the map. Realizing how far I’d strayed, I chose a route home and hit the accelerator again, still chasing a peace I couldn’t grasp.

On my way back, I stopped at a roadside restaurant—not out of hunger, but to hold still for a moment. I ate mechanically, tasting only the ache, I carried. Later at home, I washed off the dust, started a movie on Netflix, and began typing these woven memories. Today began with restless sleep and ended with restless thoughts; tomorrow, I hope to find stillness.

08 September 2025

Today, I went to bed early at 4:30 AM and woke up at 9:30 AM. My body resisted rising, but I forced myself to get up. After showering and dressing, I slipped quietly out of my home.

A company vehicle was waiting; drivers often wait for hours, and I always pity them. I asked the driver to take me to Hyderabad for an appointment at the regulatory authority. When he gestured to turn on the radio, I declined.

While in the vehicle, I began meditating and called Cucii. The blaring horns disturbed me, so I put in my earbuds. Meditating, I called her again and envisioned her walking down a street lined with V-shaped lampposts. I’m unsure if I truly connected, but that’s the image I saw. I worked to still my mind, which kept yearning for her, and I continued my meditation.

Then I recalled the astrologer I had tried to reach, so I called her again after her previous silence. To my surprise, she answered immediately. I asked about consulting Ramanand Guruji. She said she would send me a video to watch and asked me to message her once I’d finished. I clicked the WhatsApp link and watched the videos, learning that he is a renowned scholar who practices telepathy. I messaged her that I was ready for a consultation on Friday; we agreed on the fee and details.

Meanwhile, I visited the regulatory office I had set out for. On the return journey, I stopped by a barber shop. My heart and mind were racing.

I brought alcohol home to keep me from messaging her if I drank. I locked myself in my room and began drinking. Knowing I would still message her if sober, I finished my stash, drove out to buy more, hoping the alcohol would numb my impulses. Eventually, the drink overwhelmed me, and I collapsed into bed. Though the thoughts persist, I’m closing my day.

09 September 2025

Morning

At 9:00 am, a wave of panic crashes over me. I can’t bear it—her face and our last conversation assault my thoughts with every heartbeat.

By 9:30 am, the urge to flee home becomes irresistible. I slip out the door, load the washing machine with clothes as if guided by some abnormal instinct, and climb into the office vehicle.

My colleague briefs me on pending tasks at the site office, but I keep messaging her instead. I top up my mobile plan just to reach her again. Only then do I realize how wrong I’ve gone and begin begging for her forgiveness.

Afternoon

I run through the rest of my office duties without any real focus. Finally, I head toward Hyderabad, my eyes glued to her photos on my phone.

I stop at the municipal corporation office and then at the electricity department to settle official matters. Even amid formal discussions, her image haunts every word I speak.

On the return journey, I meditate in the vehicle, desperate to calm my mind. When I arrive home, I lock myself in my room and stare at her pictures for hours, tears quietly rolling down my cheeks.

Evening

A knock on the door snaps me back to reality—my mother, calling me for dinner. I refuse and return to my meditative state.

In my mind, I hear her voice scolding me, asking “What?” I whisper “cucii, cucii, cucii,” then plead for forgiveness. She asks where I’ve been; I admit I was trapped by my own ego and selfishness. She tells me to live with that. I protest that I can’t live without her, and she counters, “How did you live so long, then?” I confess I’ve been dying bit by bit. She says she needs time to think, and my heart sinks.

I break the meditation, find the leftover alcohol from yesterday, and drink it down. I start a podcast on my phone, let its voice lull me, and drift into sleep. When I wake, the day is over.

14 September 2025

I finally rolled into bed at 5:30 AM and somehow woke up again at 9:30 AM to my parents’ concerned faces. I mumbled that it was still Sunday, crawled back under the sheets, and drifted off until 1:30 PM.

Around 1:30 PM I forced myself up, did the usual bathroom ritual, grabbed the vehicle keys, and told my parents I was heading out. My head was spinning with one thought: escape. When Mom asked if I’d eaten, I lied that I’d grab something outside—I couldn’t bear another question right then.

Once I was alone in the car, I floored the accelerator without a destination in mind. An hour later I realized I’d driven down a dead-end road. Pulling over, I opened Google Maps and, before peeking at the screen, whispered an apology to Cucii. The weight of everything—her love, her journey to India, the cold silence that followed—cracked me open. My eyes filled with tears. To quiet the storm in my head, I tuned into a podcast, but guilt kept pressing in: how badly I’d hurt someone who’d moved heaven and earth for me.

Tears blurred the windshield until I unlocked my phone and messaged her again, begging for forgiveness. The road home suddenly looked familiar. I turned around and arrived back at 8:00 PM. I stopped for booze—my third drink this week—and slipped back inside, pretending to be sleepy. After dinner I barricaded myself in my room, poured a stiff one, pressed play on the podcast, and drank until I passed out.

Today was a mess of running, hiding, and regret. I feel ashamed of how I let fear and pride drive my actions. But in the quiet between sips, I could almost feel the hope that maybe I’ll find the strength tomorrow to face her—and to face myself.

18 September 2025

9:00 AM

I woke with a heavy heart, immediately reminding myself not to disturb her today. Every promise I’ve broken makes my words feel worthless, and I hate that she might read my messages and feel the same.

With tears still fresh, I brushed my teeth and washed up, determined to escape any forced conversation with my parents. I told them I’d grab breakfast at the office and slipped out.

As I walked toward the road, I remembered the driver had asked for a little extra time. My plan to avoid talking worked perfectly—I kept walking until my phone told me I’d gone only ten minutes, though it felt like hours.

When the car finally appeared, I climbed into the back seat and stared out the window, hoping silence would settle around me.

On the ride to the site office, I tried to meditate but every honk shattered my focus. I asked the driver to hold the horn and requested two cigarettes at the next stall. Between nicotine and dim thoughts, I found myself drifting back to her—she’s always there, whether I want her to be or not.

In the office lobby, I ordered my usual black coffee. One drag of a cigarette later, I felt the familiar void—why does nothing in life make sense anymore?

I opened my laptop to finish my resume. A colleague approached, curious about the argument with my boss the day before. I deflected and admitted I want to leave Hyderabad—anywhere but here. He asked me to send my resume once it’s ready, and I finally had to admit that I will.

I glanced at my phone, hoping for a message from her. When nothing came, I pushed the thought away and asked my subordinate if anything needed my attention. He brought invoices for signature and reminded me of his upcoming leave for Durga Puja, which starts on the 28th.

Time feels strange these days—nights stretch on, days vanish in a blink. In February I was in Zambia chasing memories of her; next, I’ll chase a new city in China, this time with no expectations.

I finalized a Statement of Work for vendor onboarding and joined a call to close an old contract. Between tasks, I kept drafting my resume. By the time I glanced at the clock again, it was already 7 PM.

I couldn’t help it—I messaged her, explaining I held back messages all day because I didn’t want to hurt her peace. Sending it felt like laying my heart bare.

7:30 PM

The driver asked if I could drive home myself to finish his errands. Behind the wheel, I wondered why I keep returning to the same house where my parents wait for words I can’t give. I long to find a job far away, but then I think of them alone in their old age—would my absence bring them peace, or break them?

At home, I poured tea and locked myself in the bathroom to smoke. I told them I wasn’t hungry. Alone, I stared at her pictures and let the pain wash over me—I want to own this sorrow until the day she might forgive me.

Reflections

I write this hoping that someday she reads these lines and understands how empty I am without her. Until then, every promise I keep—even the promise of silence—feels like the only thing I can offer

23 September 2025

Sorry diary, I have not written for days. The mind is not stable and slowly I am gaining no interest in doing anything. It’s like a part of my body is rotten and getting damaged worse each day. I am losing interest in doing things, but this is my Cucii, so I will keep doing this.

I started my day at 11:00 AM—don’t judge me, I don’t get sleep at night. I finally slept at 6:00 AM. I had the privilege of being head for my organization, so I’m supposed to reach between 9:30 and 10:30 AM. I compensate by working extra in the evening, just to delay going home where my parents’ eyes silently demand some sort of communication.

After my morning routine, I left home in the company vehicle. The driver always grumbles because he has to wait for me. Today I sat in the front seat instead of my usual spot in the back. I closed my eyes and tried to meditate—thinking nothing, letting visions come. I saw her again, standing in a desert beside some vehicle. I don’t know if it’s true or just meditation, maybe one day Cucii will tell me.

We hit a bump and I jerked awake. I asked the driver if I’d been snoring, he said I didn’t. These days I can’t tell when I’m asleep, meditating, or dreaming.

At CEIG, I asked about our approval file. He said some drawings are still pending. I called the consultant, the discussion got heated, and I shouted until he promised to finish within a week. Then I remembered yesterday I’d shouted at my mom when she asked for tea. I’ve been short-tempered only with those closest to me, even though meditation should calm me. I regret both incidents.

Back in the car, I told the driver to take me home—though I never want to go there. My phone broke yesterday, so I can’t log into my laptop without the authenticator. With nothing else to do, home felt like the worst option. I told the driver to swing by our future Amazon site nearby. I closed my eyes again, drifting between sleep and meditation, feeling an intense urge to talk to someone.

We finally pulled up at my house around 5:30 PM. I locked myself in my room with another laptop and started watching Lucifer. After a while, I meditated until 9:00 PM. Then I grabbed the vehicle keys for a short drive, smoked a cigarette on the way back, and now I’m here writing.

Dear diary, I will end this day after writing my landing in Lusaka / Zambia.

25 September 2025

The angel of death lost his door. I slept early yesterday—after all, it was a two-day sleep. This morning I woke to a loud clang and discovered someone crying. I stepped into the corridor and saw a neighbour in the common porch. When I asked who was crying, he shook his head: none of them knew, only that someone below our flat had been taken to the hospital that morning.

We hurried down the stairs to find an ambulance parked in the porch. The father knelt beside the gurney, sobbing, while his wife and daughter stood close, their faces streaked with tears. Through the window I saw the young son clinging to his father’s lifeless body, begging him to wake. I froze, hand pressed to my head, then retreated home in a daze. I don’t know why, but I washed, dressed, and drove to the office as if nothing had happened.

At my desk, I poured black coffee and lit a cigarette, but I couldn’t meditate—his pale face in that ambulance kept flashing before my eyes. I remembered how he’d helped me during my mother’s illness just three days ago, even asked if I’d buy his home. My laptop wouldn’t log in because my phone was broken and needed to approve the sign-in, so I battled tech delays until noon, answering every pending email and smoking three cigarettes along the way. I tried meditating in the office, but horns and my own restless thoughts thwarted me. I drove the company car to a “quiet” spot—horns followed—then stopped at a cigarette shop for three more.

Missing Cucii, I replayed that video about self-restriction born of emotional blocking and how no one can unlove the one they truly love. I vowed I’d never stop asking her forgiveness. That morning I messaged her—confessed everything except that final plea—and logic dissolved; only she mattered.

Later, I went to the airport with a colleague to meet someone from Microsoft. We talked until office ends. Twice I excused myself to call my parents about the end-of-life ceremony. They told me that by the time I return, the rites will be over—ashes scattered, bones set afloat in the river. I’ll never see him again. I’m amazed at how death reshapes everything: old fights become regrets; love hardens into memory.

On the way back, I passed his home. The noise had fallen to a hushed grief; every face was drawn, every step heavy. At home, over a cup of tea, my mother trembled on the verge of tears, so I spared her questions and slipped into meditation instead. I found myself before a traditional building of arched tombs and shuttered windows. When I pressed deeper, she appeared—black top, blue jeans—so vivid I reached out before the vision faded.

And now I sit here, finishing this diary entry, carried by loss yet clinging to hope and the promise of forgiveness.

26 September 2025

I woke up at 8:30 AM, went out to the porch, and felt a haunting silence. I realized that the mourning for the dead person was now confined to the quiet around me. I went to the washroom and sat on the toilet seat, thinking about yesterday. A knock sounded on my door and my mom called me for tea. I took the cup, closed the door to smoke, and after finishing, went back to the washroom to bathe. Once I got dressed, I asked my mom for snacks, and she brought fried cashews and fritters. I’ve been like this since last Monday, when the fast started. I finished eating and left for work.

Today I needed to visit Hyderabad again for the occupancy certificate. In the car, I didn’t try to meditate; instead, I thought about the person who died yesterday. I reflected on how life ends and how nothing can be claimed once you’re gone. I messaged Cucii, poured out all my feelings, and asked her to reply so we could find closure. She didn’t respond, as usual. I thought she might regret it one day—when I’m no longer here.

I closed my eyes in the vehicle, trying to picture her face, but the dead man’s face kept flashing before me. To my surprise, I must have dozed off, because I arrived at my destination without noticing. The driver called me, and to hide my grogginess, I asked him to drop me in the parking lot to wait for the sub-vendor. I sat there for a while, trying to regain full consciousness.

After some time, I stepped outside the campus—none of the buildings allow smoking indoors now. While I was smoking, my vendor waved at me. I asked if we’d get the OC today; he said yes, so we went to check if the director was at his desk. He wasn’t. We asked his assistant when he’d return and were told he’d be there by 4:30 PM. I agreed to wait in the vendor’s office, even though I knew I’d have to talk to people.

I then called the person I’d met yesterday to ask about a job. I feel I’m punishing my parents every day with my dead-pan face and want to stand on my own in a far location. He gave me some leads, but I know they won’t work. I sat on the vendor’s sofa scrolling through reels until a news headline about India–China flights caught my attention. It said direct flights won’t resume until the end of this year and might start in early 2026. I was only expecting a November 2025 restart. The article explained significant changes in air-coordination policies and agreements.

I remembered a quote I read yesterday: no one can unlove someone they love—you either don’t love them, or you do. Glancing at my phone, I realized it was already 4:30 PM. I’ve noticed that when I think too deeply, time slips away.

I asked the driver to take me home, convinced the director wouldn’t show up today. I blamed government authorities, as usual, for India’s slow progress. I closed my eyes in the car again and tried to sleep. The driver, thinking I was asleep, speed through the heavy rain. I felt it but stayed silent. These days my motto is “just leave it—whatever it is, I just need peace.”

Only those who truly care—my parents and sister—feel the change in my attitude. Maybe I don’t want them to worry about me anymore. Their concern now only hurts because of how I’ve become.

On the way, my mom called and asked me to bring something; I refused. I got home after a while and felt no peace there, either. I went to my room, closed the door, meditated for a while, and then ate some snacks. Here I am now, writing today’s diary.

27 September 2025

I woke at 8:30 AM, the decision to not message her still firm in my chest. In the washroom’s quiet, I rehearsed my resolve. Stepping outside for water, I glimpsed my parents chatting and felt the familiar pulse of obligation. I darted back to my room before they could ask me to join, only to be beckoned seconds later by my mother’s “Tea?” I lied that I wanted more sleep, escaped under my blanket, and convinced myself I was awake—until noon’s hush dissolved into my unremembered slumber.

When I stirred at 12:20 PM, the weight of the Saturday safety meeting pressed on me. I joined the Teams call—halfheartedly watching presentations before my heavy eyelids betrayed me again. It was 1:30 PM when I reemerged. Emails and calls to colleagues felt mechanical; my heart kept drifting to her. Mom’s snacks offered a small comfort—seven days of the same flavors, each crunch anchoring me to routine.

At 3:00 PM I took the car keys, hoping motion might quiet my mind. Driving, memories of us blurred the road; I pulled over, played a podcast, and stashed my phone in the back seat—an act of self-preservation against the urge to text. Pain shivered through me: not just longing, but guilt—what if my silence wounds her more than my words? Lucifer’s lines echoed: love defies logic; vulnerability can feel like weakness.

By 8:30 PM, I was home in spirit if not body. I sat with my parents for five minutes as a bluff, then locked myself away. Our website awaited: I restructured every page, published a new letter telling her I can’t message her, and begged forgiveness for reopening old wounds. I shared my China plan—this time with no expectations.

Later Lucifer was played on into the late hours. Love’s illogic washed over me: hell, and heaven, angels and devils, a detective who is human. If true love means staying committed, then I am bound. I slipped into bed at 2:30 AM, heart alight with the memories of Bokaro, Hyderabad, Kerala, Shimla, Thailand—and the short, perfect moments we shared. We did that back in China 2012, when I was leaving, I never thought of this to happened, but we did that. I never imagined waiting forever, yet here I am, convinced that this impossible love is the only life I want.

28 September 2025

I woke at 9:30 AM with love’s quiet ache in my bones. Sleep reclaimed me until 1:30 PM—hours swallowed by haze. Afternoon found me on the porch, replying to emails without caring. A colleague bound for Abu Dhabi called as I left for the airport, but I barely registered his job news; my mind was on her.

It was a courtesy call—no interest, just another reminder of what I can’t say. The phone lay untouched afterward. Back in my room, I danced to songs that carried her name in every note, only to break down in the corner, tears for my luckless heart rather than for her.

Evening brought my sister and niece—cheery intruders. I hushed them with news of a neighbor’s death and slipped back inside, grateful for the excuse to hide. Before shutting the door, I ate the same snack I’ve been eating for seven days, its stale comfort lulling me into writing until 10:00 PM.

And here I am, pouring my soul into these lines: I miss you, Cucii. Please forgive me.

2nd October 2025

Today is the holiday for the Dusshera festival. It is believed that Rama, the god, killed Ravana on this auspicious day. Ravana is a demon, and the demon inside me—my selfishness—also wants to be killed.

I woke up at 9:30 AM and, as usual, to avoid communication I fell back asleep. After several attempts, I finally woke up at 1:30 PM. I washed myself immediately, knowing my parents would be unhappy because it’s a festival. Though I had a heated argument with my mother yesterday, I knew it was my fault, and I have not liked talking much these days, so I kept myself locked in my room until morning.

After cleaning up, I bowed before God and asked for a few things—Cucii is my priority. My parents urged me to eat, and to avoid any conversation I told them I wasn’t hungry and locked myself in my room again. I started meditating inside; I sat there for almost an hour. Though I couldn’t concentrate, I kept trying.

I emerged at 4:00 PM and saw they’d gone to rest. I took some food on a plate and cried. I felt the loneliness and depression inside me—I kept eating and crying, as if I needed to let it out.

During meditation today, I felt like Cucii was calling me. Even after stopping myself many times, I messaged her on WhatsApp: I told her I’m with her and that in every decision she makes, I will be there. After eating, I rushed outside, took the car, and hit the road—I wanted to go somewhere, though I never know where.

Today, I knew: I wanted to go to the cremation ground. In India, bodies are cremated by burning on wood with scented materials. I wanted to see someone being cremated—to see if the guilt inside us also gets burned. But no one was there for cremation, so I drove on.

I remembered a Lord Shiva temple nearby and felt an instinct pull me there. I parked almost on autopilot. I was numb, yet I walked inside, bowed before God with wet eyes, and pleaded silently. Then I sat in the temple porch to meditate. I tried to communicate with Him—and I felt a response. I will tell this to Cucii when we meet again.

When I left the temple, I found myself smiling, as if I’d been talking to someone. A girl was staring at me—her eyes asking who I was speaking to. Others looked at me the same way. I returned to my car and drove home. It was around 7:30 PM when I got back.

I felt the urge to meditate again, so I sat for another hour, trying to see Cucii. To my surprise, I saw her at her home—first in what looked like a farm store area, where a bag marked “Zhanglion” sat. Then I saw her with family—perhaps her sisters and mother—having dinner. I think she may be in China.

I messaged her on my website instead of WhatsApp this time. To divert myself, I started watching Enola Holmes 2 and then tried to sleep. The day closed there.

3rd October 2025

Today I woke up at 8:30 AM, cleaned myself, and set off for the office.

My father was not feeling well, so I asked how he was doing today. My driver also asked to rest because he wasn’t feeling well, so I took the vehicle keys. I was relieved that the other car and driver were still available, and I asked him to drive me to the office.

On the way, he picked up a few colleagues. I dropped them off and then headed to the cluster head’s office for a discussion.

By 12:00 noon the discussion ended, and I made my way back to our office, stopping for lunch on the way.

As I ate alone, my thoughts drifted to the message I sent yesterday to Cucii. I remember telling her I would be there for every decision she makes in life. I wondered how hard it is to live up to even that small promise of not being selfish.

I asked myself, “Is the love we speak of really the same?” I thought, “If one day she tells me her happiness lies elsewhere, how would I bear that?” My reverie ended abruptly when the brakes were applied in the vehicle.

At the office, my colleagues immediately asked about pending work. I asked them to excuse me for a few moments so I could answer the questions that were haunting me.

I asked myself what I truly wanted, and my instant reply was that I wanted her. I asked again, “Happy or unhappy?” and replied, “Happy.” But what if she isn’t happy because of me? I told myself then it might be better to leave this life. I paused and asked, “Would ending my life make her happy? And what about my parents?” I answered that they would mourn for a few days but eventually move on. “What about the guilt they would carry forever because of my death?” I replied it would be as painful as what I feel now. The next question was, “Do I want that for them?” I said no. Then I asked, “What do I want?” I answered, “I want her to be happy even if she isn’t with me. I will remove myself if necessary.” I realize that today I told myself if she is okay, it is better for me to vanish this way.

A drop of water rolled down my face. I rubbed my eyes and asked my colleague to bring me the topic that required my attention. They told me it was the MSRA activity stalled at the site, with a discussion scheduled at 3:00 PM. I said okay and asked for five more minutes before we tackled that topic.

I prayed to God for forgiveness and, in my thoughts, asked Cucii to choose me. I remembered my repeated failures and faults. I tried to message her on my website but discovered the internet was down due to an issue with the Wi-Fi equipment. I reviewed the problem details in preparation for the discussion.

The meeting with Microsoft began at 3:00 PM, where we raised our concerns about the delayed approval. It ended by 4:00 PM, and I spent the next two and a half hours applying for various jobs on LinkedIn, trying to connect with colleagues and share my resume. I want to remove myself from my parents’ lives as well; it would be better for them not to see me in this state of no contact and no communication. They know I’m dying inside every day—at least if I’m not there, they can believe I am okay.

I kept searching for jobs until 6:30 PM, when my colleagues said it was time to wind up. We left in the office vehicle and drove home. At nearly 7:30 PM, I arrived. My head was aching, and I tried to sleep in my room; this time the pain was real, not just a communication issue.

As I lay down, a phrase flashed into my mind from Cucii in anger: “Do you think I cannot live without you?” I did not reply—what could I say? She doesn’t understand that maybe she can, but I can’t live without her. I must have fallen asleep because at 11:30 PM I woke up and found nothing to eat. I grabbed a packet of biscuits and ate them. I’m still eating while writing today’s diary.

I forget to tell direct flight from India to China will start from 26th October 2025.

04 October 2025

I slept at 5:30 AM despite trying to fall asleep since 2:00 AM. I woke at 1:30 PM; there was no office, but I missed the weekly safety discussion scheduled for Saturdays.

I followed my routine: heated tea, drank it, and then cleaned. I sat for meditation from 2:30 PM and dozed off, waking around 4:00 PM. I tried to visit God today as I do every Saturday by going to the temple, but I couldn't see Cucii.

I cooked a meal for myself and ate. I wanted to watch the MBA session from the start of the third semester, but I only listened to a short lecture; I feel unmotivated when Cucii is not with me. I registered for a PMP course today in addition to the MBA I’m already doing. I wanted to stay busy, but I tend to delay things and live in her memory.

I filed my tax return on the last day. I paid last semester’s fees at the last moment and still haven’t paid this semester’s fees. I would get a tax exemption if I bought a car, and even though I’ve paid lakhs in tax since last year, I still haven’t bought one. I started the process once because I thought I would choose it according to her preference; while filing returns this year I again felt I should have bought it.

The electricity went out and I couldn’t finish the lecture, so I took a vehicle to the temple and stayed there until 7:30 PM before returning home. I tried to watch movies afterward but couldn’t concentrate or feel interest.

I remembered her plan to open a Chinese restaurant in Hyderabad and began searching for shops online. If I buy one now it could generate rental income, and later, if we’re together, we could start the restaurant. I’ve made this a priority and plan to purchase a shop this year. Now I have something to work on, and because it’s connected to Cucii, I feel more interested. The online listings were outdated, some three months old, so I started checking the details and contingencies for buying a shop in Hyderabad before writing this.

I toasted some bread for dinner. After this I’ll try to sleep and close the day.

05th October 2025

Today was a busy day. I woke up at 9:30 AM. After doing my regular work I went to buy vegetables from the market.

I came back by 12:00 noon. Every time I think vegetables are getting costly, though this time I did not feel that way. My unplanned Sunday trips showed me how much effort farmers put into bringing food to us. They do not have weekends or holidays. Owning farming work is a different kind of luxury, but it comes with extra responsibilities that fall entirely on the farmer and often without support.

I started my meditation and tried remembering her, but I could not see her. There was disturbance all week because my sister and niece were at home. I tried meditating for almost an hour and promised myself I will try again tomorrow until I can see her. Mom called for food around 2:00 PM when I finally finished meditating; I told her I was not hungry and would eat later. The real reason was to avoid chatting because every eye seemed to be on me.

Mom asked me to sit since my sister and niece were leaving today. I felt bad because I had hardly spoken to them this last week. On the other hand, I felt some relief that they do not know I am not okay. Yes, I am not okay because I do not accept this as an okay condition. I know my problems, so I usually keep them to myself, and I still think it is better not to disturb others. We talked about the neighbor who recently died and about some movies. We finished the discussion and food by 3:30 PM.

I ate because it felt courteous. When everyone went to rest around 4:00 PM I felt sleepy and went to bed. It might have been sleep or a dream of her—I do not know—but when I woke up it was 6:00 PM. My father told me I needed to drop my sister and niece home. I washed my face and took the vehicle key; everyone was ready to go.

On the road I asked for directions three times. I did not speak to anyone else during the drive. We returned home around 10:30 PM. My parents came with us to drop them at their home. I helped my mom get out of the car and walk to the lift. 

My mom started walking last month; she must feel some pain, but she keeps trying. At night I wrote half of this today and will upload tomorrow. The day will end within an hour, and so will I for the day.

06th October 2025

Today began at 9:30 am when I woke up. I did my regular cleaning and headed to the office. Before leaving, I posted a message on my website for her, because every morning I look for her messages and pictures on my phone—it’s become a ritual.

I don’t eat breakfast these days; it saves me from my parents’ questions. On my way to the office, I was thinking about her. Today I felt it might be better if she had someone else in her life. I understand her pain: after loving someone, she has grown cold because she no longer believes me. I know the money for marriage was the tipping point, but her distrust must have started long ago; I must have pushed her to feel that way. I feel my own pain so strongly—I imagine she must feel the same. I don’t want her to hurt anymore. I’ve already given her enough pain. I want her to have a family and children so she doesn’t remain as alone as I am, though it’s very painful to imagine all this.

When I reached the office, I inquired about the site work and was told some formalities are still pending. I applied for jobs on LinkedIn and Naukri and spoke with a consultant about my China visa—it’s nearly ready with just one month left. While writing this, I realized I need to book a flight; I checked Indigo on Sunday but didn’t see listings starting 26 October. October brings many expenses, especially with Diwali coming. I also discussed PMP certification and received a job call from Linesight. I talked about an opportunity at Lumina too, though I’m not sure what their plans are.

After all that, I edited yesterday’s diary entry and attended the scheduled discussion. I sent all required emails and wrapped up the day at 6:30 pm before heading home. I arrived at 7:00 pm and began meditating by 7:10 pm. I desperately wanted to see her today. I drifted off around 7:30 pm, woke at 9:00 pm to wash my face, then returned to meditation. In that state, I saw her in a historical place—a kind of amusement park or hill station with a small wooden house painted white or gray. There was a waterfall and a couple with her; I don’t know where it was. After writing this, I’ll look it up on Copilot.

I came out of meditation at 11:00 pm when my mother asked if I wanted food. Though I said no, she fried some rice and I ate it. Now I’m writing this diary. I have two things left to do tonight, and I’ll try to sleep before 2:00 am. I miss her so much. God, I hope she’s happy. I pray you’ll guide her to find happiness—whether that’s with me or elsewhere. And if you have another plan, please shorten my life; this pain feels unbearable. You know I won’t move on because I don’t want to, and it’s very painful. When you take my soul, please take my pain too.

I want to add one more thing: whenever I run this through Copilot for correction, it always gives me the number of some consultant or helpline asking me not to kill myself. It makes me laugh, but it also troubles me, because it reminds me how much pain I’ve caused her—and that she never messages me. If she ever reads this, I am sorry, Cucii. Please forgive me.

07th October 2025

I woke up around 9:00 AM and sent her a message on my website. I’ve messaged her only once in the last ten days. I thank myself for not disturbing her and not being selfish. The kiss I saw yesterday was so intense that I almost felt I actually kissed her, sucking her lower lip as she taught me once.

I completed my regular morning routine and got ready for the office. The car was waiting, and so were my colleagues. I boarded and headed to work, chatting briefly with them about our jobs and the current work culture. It was good information, since I also want to move on.

We reached the office, and to my disappointment the site work had not yet started; the team said the delay was from the Microsoft side. I expected a discussion with senior management, but it was canceled. I inquired about the Chinese visa, as the offices open on 9 October and I need to finalize it by tomorrow. A few agencies asked for hotel tickets with Chinese entry stamps, and I don’t know how to obtain those.

I remembered that I have been to Jinan several times but never stayed in hotels; this will be my first time. I wanted to ask Cucii, but I already asked her once earlier and don’t want to disturb her again. I will simply inform her this time about my visit. I plan to revisit all the places we went together to keep them in my heart.

I paid the fee for my MBA third semester today. After work, my mind drifted back to the day we bought the iPhone 6 and how happy she was. She’s always fond of high-quality products, while I tend to buy what’s practical rather than the best. I remembered this because I read about the craziness for the iPhone 17 and how people lined up overnight for it.

At 6:00 PM I left for home and, on the way, chatted with colleagues about the person who resigned from the Mumbai office. Unlike yesterday, I prepared tea first when I got home, and I smoked while drinking it. Then I began my meditation session, which lasted almost two hours. Meditation now gives me relief and brings me to a no-communication stage, which I enjoy these days.

During meditation I see her in my vision, which brings my thoughts to a numb stage where I clear my mind; sometimes I hold my breath for a few seconds to help. Today I saw her standing in front of a single large tree in a farmland-like place. She wore blue jeans and a gray or green top—I couldn’t see it clearly; maybe it was a winter coat. Everything was so foggy that I couldn’t make out her face distinctly.

I ate my meal in my room after meditation. I’m writing my diary for today and will close the day here. Miss you, Cucii.

09th October 2025

I woke up around 12:30 PM, did my regular morning work, and headed to the office immediately after my shower. I was already late; that thought rang like a bell in my head.

While traveling to the office, I wondered if I have insomnia, the sleep disorder. Do I need treatment? I slept at 5:00 or 5:30 AM, even though I had tried to fall asleep since 11:00 PM. This has been happening since she left. I remembered those days after the night bus to Hyderabad, next morning when I slept soundly hugging her. Sometimes, even when we fought, I would drift off, and she’d always complain. Back then, sleeping in her arms felt like I could face anything in the world if she held me that way forever. I’ve never felt the softness of her touch on my rough skin.

The car’s brakes brought me back from my thoughts: it’s office time. The same office I rarely want to return to, yet it gives me the luxury of revisiting the past while supporting me with my salary. I asked my colleagues about a few important topics and then got on with my regular work.

By about 4:30 PM, I’d completed most tasks, with a few items pending follow-up. I called the guy who made my “certificate of bachelorhood” in 2019 and asked about the visa process. He said I need to visit the embassy in Kolkata, which I’m not okay with. I thanked him and said I’d let him know. The visa office fees alone will cost me much and with that ₹10,000 for travelling, so I started searching for another consultant because consultant from Delhi dont ask for visit. At the same time, I looked up doctors who treat insomnia. Tomorrow I can’t go—I have a fully booked day visiting three Amazon data centers and handling their assignments. We also need to prepare cost estimates in the follow-up. So maybe Saturday or Sunday, but most doctors aren’t available on weekends. I decided to park this topic until Saturday.

I remembered I need to pay the PMP exam fee too, so I called her and planned to do it tomorrow at 8:00 AM. It was 6:30 PM when I left the office, and on the way I wondered if I should go home, eat something, and sleep before 9:00 PM. I should try that before seeing the doctor.

I asked myself why I can’t sleep. It feels like any free moment carries me back to thoughts of her, and I can’t close my eyes because her memory asks, “Where is she, and what did I do to her?” Every time, I answer myself that I killed her with my sword of selfishness. That thought makes my guilt wander with desperation and leaves me crying. I wondered how I could overcome this, and I felt that meditation is the only way: to empty my mind and meet her in my thoughts.

With that plan in mind, I felt eager to get home. On the way, I decided that even if I write this diary tonight, I will post it tomorrow morning—that will become my routine. I reached home around 7:00 PM and asked Mom for an early dinner so I could sleep by 9:00 PM. I drank the tea she brought and watched a TV series with my parents until 8:00 PM.

Today I followed that plan because I sense something changing within me. It feels like I have to prepare for something that’s about to happen. I have an intuition and realize that the only thing that matters to me is Cucii. I can’t explain it, but it’s happening. Anyway, I’m writing this diary while watching the series, and to be honest, I don’t know what it is nor am I interested. I’m only physically present here; mentally, I’m somewhere else.

I’ll have dinner shortly and then meditate. I know I get sleepy during meditation, so I’ll fall asleep then. Tomorrow morning I will post this—hopefully around 5:00 AM. That’s all for today. Good night, diary.

10th October 2025

The day was very busy and I barely had time to think about her. I visited three sites consecutively and, around 7:00 PM, I went out to buy the monthly groceries. I left the store at 10:10 PM. After such a tiring day I drove back home, which is almost 40 km away. I drove quickly and, after 37 minutes, I had covered 30 km and decided to take a break.

She flashed into my mind during that break. I whispered “I love you” and silently asked for forgiveness. I used the pause to smoke one cigarette. I reached home at 11:05 PM, ate dinner, and went to bed; my body was tired and aching. Even in bed I kept thinking about her. The thoughts felt different this time. Memories from the past surfaced and one question stayed with me: Is she my cucii? My cucii would never leave me or push me away, that belief clung to my mind. Is she the same cucii?

The night wrapped me in that thought and finally held me until sleep. I fell asleep at 2:00 AM.

11th October 2025

I woke at 9:00 AM still holding the same thought. I paused before sending a message at the site. The PMP consultant called to book my exam slot for tomorrow, and then I joined my MBA class. I tried to escape the thoughts from last night, but they lingered.

I attended the safety planning discussion organized by my company. I had lunch at around 1:30 PM and took a short nap after. I woke at 4:00 PM and practiced meditation. After meditation I went to the temple, and I understand I am trying to avoid the thoughts came yesterday, I decided I would record my thoughts when I returned.

I am now back from the temple and writing this diary. After this I will draft my blog and have dinner before sleep. I will close my entry here for yesterday and today.

12th October 2025

Today began heavy with feeling. I have missed Cucii since yesterday, and I told her that the same morning.

I messaged her on my website before anything else. Then I remembered I have to give the PMP exam today, which made my chest tighten for a moment.

I had tea and went to the market to buy vegetables. On the road I saw people selling fish and thought of how much Cucii likes fish. The memory of our Kerala trip came back vividly, remembering the delicious fish we ate there.

I left the market lost in my thoughts, took a U-turn, and on the way back remembered I needed to buy oil. I smoked one cigarette at the shop. After that I drove home, then realized I had forgotten my phone.

At home I started searching for it. When my parents asked what I was looking for, I said the phone and they suggested I must have left it at the market. I agreed and planned to go back after a bath. They warned someone might have taken it, and I told them it was hot outside and even if someone did take it, nothing of real value would be lost because people do not call me often, which surprised them.

After my bath I returned to the market and retrieved my mobile. I felt reassured, thinking that nowadays stealing electronics is harder because the government has made online complaints and tracking easier.

Back home, it was 1:00 pm and I ate lunch. I began looking at sample exam questions and realized I had not told Cucii that I enrolled in International Business as my MBA specialization. I considered other courses I could take after my MBA in that field and thought about telling her I did it so I could get a job near her.

At 2:30 pm I started downloading and running the exam software. I finished the exam at 7:00 pm. The questions felt more psychological than managerial, and my head hurt from working so hard after a long time. I reflected on last Friday being physically exhausting and today being mentally exhausting.

I shut the laptop, told my dad I was going out for a while, and took the vehicle keys to buy some curd because I have been facing indigestion these days. I smoked another cigarette and felt a deep pull toward Cucii, as if she were thinking of me too. I messaged her again on my website that I was missing her.

I came back, cooked rice for dinner, and saw Mom looking tired. I had dinner and now, around 11:00 pm, I am in bed writing this diary.

Miss you much Cucii.

13th October 2025

Yesterday

At night, I finally completed the long-pending task of setting up my monthly donation. I’d been meaning to do it for ages, and now that the automatic deductions are in place, I feel a deep sense of relief and pride.

Today

I woke up at 9:00 am and immediately tidied my room, as I always do to clear my head for the day ahead. I’ve also started keeping my conversations with my parents light and casual, and it feels comforting to share those small moments.

I carry Cucii in my heart, and for some reason today I felt a newfound confidence that she will come back to me. On my way to the office, I picked up a few colleagues who didn’t have rides, and we grabbed tea from our usual stall, arriving at work around 10:30 am.

We had a meeting scheduled with Microsoft at 11:30 am. We reviewed the agenda, but after waiting nearly an hour for the other team to join, the meeting was postponed. While I waited, my thoughts drifted to her—especially when KH, our Chinese colleague, popped into the chat.

After lunch, I dove into researching visa-assistance consultants. None of them seemed right. When the rescheduled Microsoft call finally started at 2:00 pm, it wrapped up by 3:00 pm, and I returned to chasing visa help.

I called each consultant one by one. Every single one asked for a confirmed hotel booking—how can I book without a visa? Explaining to them that the embassy needs a stamped reservation feels impossible when the staff barely speak English. I spent the afternoon browsing Dtrip, which many foreigners in China use, and bookmarked a few hotels to call tomorrow.

In a moment of desperation, I messaged Rose for advice, but she never replied. It hurts to realize that some grudges run that deep.

By evening, I was exhausted. When one consultant called at 7:00 pm, I snapped at her for bothering me so late and told her to call tomorrow. I shouldn’t have lost my temper, but after a day of setbacks, I couldn’t hold it in.

I forget to write that in morning, I shared my China plans with my mom. She lit up and asked if she had called me with excitement—when I nodded by waving head in acceptance, she warned, “Don’t you dare delay this time.” I promised I wouldn’t.

After dinner, I was checking my emails when I discovered I’d passed the PMP exam. Now I’m a certified Project Management Professional from PMI. I couldn’t help but smile as I updated my LinkedIn profile.

I tried to meditate afterward, but dizziness overtook me. I drifted off to sleep before 9:00 pm, the day closing in peaceful darkness.

Miss you, Cucii. Rose did not help me.

Also diary while updating this I came to know that I have not updated the yesterday's diary. Updating it now.

14th October 2025

I slept at 9:00 AM yesterday after a long meditation and woke at 1:30 AM in the middle of the night. I uploaded the diary I had written the day before and felt hollow because there was still no confirmation for my visa despite yesterday’s struggle.

I decided I would apply for the visa myself this week and started looking for other consultants. I scanned hotel sites, especially Dtrip that is popular in China, and searched for Cucii’s address to find somewhere nearby to stay. Her address led me to Licheng district, Gongeye Bi Lu. The hotels I found were clustered near the airport in Li Cheng district and I knew the airport was far from where she lives. Frustration tightened in my chest.

At 3:30 AM I left home to get tea and came back at 4:30 AM after a smoke. In my frustration I abandoned the hotel search and went into meditation. In those quiet moments she appeared again, like a flash in an airport scene, not whole, only glimpses that come when thoughts fall away. Meditation empties the mind and sometimes, for a second, she is there. I do not know if those glimpses mean anything; someday when I meet Cucii she will tell me.

I slept around 7:00 AM and woke at 9:00 AM. I messaged Cucii “Good morning” on our website, washed, and prepared for the day. By 9:30 AM I was in a vehicle heading to Hyderabad. My colleague was already there and we drove together for a meeting with the Labour Commissioner.

The meeting concerned money we needed to provide as ransom and I engaged our corporate affairs team to handle it. We left Hyderabad around 1:00 PM. On the way back several visa consultants called. Each asked whether I had a confirmed hotel, which I still had to arrange. I realized arranging everything myself would be difficult.

I considered forging the old invitation letter from Cucii and messaged her about it. She did not reply. Anger rose and memories of 2021 poured in. I remembered the Corona losses: about Rs 5 lakh lost from the marriage fund in shares and my salary cut by half in 2020. I had decided, riskily, to leave that organisation. I remember drinking that night and wondering how Cucii was coping.

The mutual funds were deep in loss and withdrawing then would have been disastrous, so I quit and promised that my final settlement would go to her. I quit around October or November 2020 and received the settlement in February or March. I uploaded the transaction card I had shared with her, but I never told her the whole truth. I told her it was the remaining money I pledged for marriage.

I also remembered the second wave in 2021 when salary delays in my new job pushed me to leave in July 2021. I ran my business because salary came only once in three months. Cucii used to say I should understand her even when she said nothing. Now I wondered why she did not understand me when I was tangled in visa trouble. Then I pulled myself back and decided there was no point in messaging Rose on WhatsApp.

I had a Microsoft discussion at 4:30 PM and noticed the time at 4:23 PM. The call finished at 5:30 PM and soon after we heard that the Adani–Google datacenter deal at Vishakapatnam was officially declared. That matters to me because I will have to look after the project.

I asked myself whether I really wanted to move out of Hyderabad or wait for her here. I had an opportunity in Mumbai and could not explain why I had not taken it. I let the question sit and talked with colleagues in the vehicle.

I reached home around 7:00 PM, had dinner with my mother, and returned to meditation which pulled me into sleep past 8:30 PM. I woke at 11:00 PM and wrote this diary. I will sleep after this and accept that the day ends here.

15th October 2025

The day began at 7:00 AM. I realized I had written the diary entry but hadn’t uploaded it. I took the tea my mother prepared and sat in my room. I noticed I still hadn’t completed the visa paperwork, so I decided to dedicate Thursday to it. I uploaded the diary and then proceeded with my regular cleaning. I took a bath, had some oats for breakfast, and left for the office.

At the office, most tasks went according to plan, including meetings and other activities. I kept thinking about the diary I had uploaded this morning. Did Rose never feel my pain? That thought was agonizing. I wondered if anyone could truly be unloved and, if so, why I lack that capacity in my heart, body, or attitude.

I still can’t tell whether I ever loved her or never did. I shook off those thoughts and worked like a machine. I don’t allow emotion to flow into me—it’s too painful today. I left the office and arrived home around 7:00 PM. I ate dinner and then watched short videos on my phone.

I didn’t think much until I finally understood that she left because she wanted to leave. All other reasons seem absurd. I never left her because I never wanted to leave her.

With this bitter realization, I began meditating and, around 2:00 AM, fell asleep. I tried to reach out to my cucii, but my mind was too consumed by thoughts, so I didn’t. That’s where the day ends.

16th October 2025

It was 11:00 AM when I finally woke, still haunted by her presence that had kept me awake all night. I’d already decided yesterday not to go into the office, so I filled out my visa form and even forged the invitation document for my upcoming trip. Before anything else, I joined an online discussion and signed the pending invoice papers.

I washed up and asked Mom for lunch. She looked at me curiously and asked, “When are you planning to go to China?” I met her eyes, offered a thoughtful smile like earlier, and said, “Next month.” Though I never spoke of seeing her earlier also, my simple nod conveyed my intention—Mom clearly believed I was serious about meeting her though I don't know if I will.

After eating, I asked Mom for the festival shopping list. She told me to buy some new clothes; I agreed and reminded her to write everything else down so I wouldn’t forget. When I headed into the city, the roads were busier than usual, it's due to festival in pipeline. I drove to a mall which my colleague had mentioned—one that opened two years ago but only came onto my radar recently. Inside, I bought a pair of shirts without hunting for discounts; I remembered how tight my pockets used to be and how she always resented those bargain buys at Inorbit. Determined to keep my promise to shop for us together this year, I looked for a dress for her, too, but nothing suited her style—and the one piece I loved wasn’t available in her XS size.

Leaving the mall, memories swirled as I passed by KFC and recalled how we used to share chicken pieces. I longed to have KFC with her again but realized I haven’t had any since 2019—not even on our Singapore trip. In Singapore also, I settled for an Indian restaurant near my hotel. On my way home, I stopped at a cigarette stall, smoked one while traffic crept along, and picked up a few household essentials.

I reached home at 8:30 PM, every muscle aching in a way I couldn’t explain. Aside from walking through the mall and nearly five hours of driving, I hadn’t done any real physical work—but my body felt exhausted. I tried to meditate, but my mind kept replaying moments with her. Eventually I ate dinner and finally called it a day.

17th October 2025

The day started at 10:00 AM, and I still felt tired from yesterday. The plan for today was to buy clothes for my parents and pick up my niece from her home. Once again, the day promised to be exhausting.

I began my normal routine of washing and knowing that Mom had had a long day too, I started by cleaning and cutting vegetables for vegetable rice. I also washed the utensils left in the basin. By around 11:00 AM, I had finished those tasks and went to my room to write yesterday’s diary entry. As planned, I called the visa consultant, but they were closed for the holidays. I was supposed to start my visa process today. I postponed it until Tuesday, the day after Diwali.

Then I started watching videos, trying to resolve the confusion that’s been bothering me for days: did I stop messaging her out of self-respect or love? A few days ago, I saw a video explaining the thin line between self-respect and ego. I watched and read more to clear my mind and decided to write a blog about it.

It was around 12:30 PM when my mother called me for lunch. We had lunch together with my parents. They discussed the plan for the rest of the day. After lunch, around 1:30 PM, my parents took a nap, and we left for the market. 

We visited one saree shop after another for my mother, and she finally found a saree she loved. After purchasing it, we went to the tailor for a fitting. 

We headed to my sister’s home around 4:30 PM, and by about 6:30 PM we had picked up our niece and were on our way back. On the way, we stopped at a store to buy clothes for my niece, and I was lucky enough to find a dress for my Cucii as well. My niece didn’t find anything she liked, so we decided to shop for her tomorrow.

We arrived home around 10:00 PM. During the drive, my niece complained that I never talked and always stayed silent. I asked her to play music of her choice in the car, and we took turns choosing songs—my parents, her, and me.

I was tired again and wanted to sleep, but I tried to write in my diary and couldn’t. I kept trying to sleep, but even though my whole body ached, I didn’t fall asleep until 2:00 AM. 

I returned to the question I’d started the day with: was it self-respect or love? I realized I’d been foolish to message her constantly—every now and then since 2019—until recently when I recognized my selfish behavior and how it might have hurt her. I understand now that by messaging her, I was only reopening her wound. If she feels love for me someday, she’ll message me herself.

She knew I would wait for her my whole life, and if she doesn’t, then I don’t deserve her love. The love I feel might be one-sided, and all the hurt I caused may have become a burden for her. I don’t want to be selfish and weigh her down again. With that thought, I stopped messaging her.

It’s surprising that since September 28, 2025, I have only messaged her twice: once when I thought she was calling me, and once when I needed help with my visa. Earlier, I was so frantic that I would have bombarded her with endless visa invitation mail reminders. Even this time, though I wanted to reach out, I held back because I know that even if she is interested to reply, the pain of the wound I gave her is holding her back, and I don’t want to deepen her suffering by pestering her. One day when she will feel the love, is healing her rather scratching, she will reply by her.

I wrote my blog about this and called the day off.

It’s already 4:00 AM, and I still want to meditate, because it’s the only place I feel close to her. But the ache in my body won’t let me sit.

Forgive me. Good night Cucii.

18th October 2025

The day began at 11:00 AM, and today is Dhanteras—the auspicious festival of spending. For the past ten years, I’ve followed the ritual of buying gold on this day. Although my purchase is usually small, I aim for about ten grams. My day didn’t truly start until I’d finished my morning routine.

My parents and niece were ready, so I ate breakfast and we set off for Hyderabad. When my niece said she wanted to go to Inorbit Mall, a wave of nostalgia hit me. I remembered our weekend visits there and how I used to love that place.

I also recalled the last time we visited a jewelry store—she didn’t like it there. The store was crowded, and I wanted to tell her it wasn’t the shop itself she disliked, but the crowd. I wanted to explain that Indians’ passion for gold goes back centuries, so busy stores are inevitable.

Today I also read that 250 mg gold coins are now available in stores, since prices are so high.

Still, I told my niece we shouldn’t risk the festival traffic and declined her request. Instead, we went to the Tanishq store, part of the Tata Group.

I remembered the same Tata Group store where I bought her watch. She hadn’t liked it at first, but after wearing it for a few days she told me she had grown to love it.

Every year, we try to buy only coins—since I’m unmarried and Mom doesn’t wear jewelry, it’s purely investment. Coins give us 24-carat gold at 99.99 percent purity, and most Indians value that. Jewelry is usually 22 carats—an alloy that’s harder but sells at a lower rate due to impurities. Pure 24-carat gold, however, fetches the full market price with no deductions. For that reason, we requested 24-carat coins. The first outlet had only coins stamped with deities, so we drove ten kilometers to another Tanishq.

To my relief, it wasn’t as crowded on road as I’d feared. By 3:00 PM we’d bought our coins for ₹142,900—up from ₹90,000 last year. I couldn’t believe how much the price had jumped in just one year.

A Westside store was also nearby, so we stopped there and my niece hunted for clothes. She bought two outfits she loved, and my father picked up a shirt for himself.

After shopping, we headed home but stopped for lunch since none of us had eaten. Because it’s a festival and Mom is vegetarian, we ordered only vegetarian dishes. We enjoyed traditional dosas and a variety of snacks.

By 7:00 PM, I was back home. Mom began preparing for the evening prayer as I locked myself in my room again. Though tired, I want to meet my Cucii on the thought of mine. I browsed my sites for her photos and reread the blogs I’d written. I wanted to capture the feelings I’ve been carrying. Then I realized I hadn’t uploaded my diary entries for the past two days, even though I wrote a blog yesterday.

After writing the blog, I’d started writing the diary and then fallen asleep from exhaustion. Tonight, I reviewed those entries and refined them with Copilot’s help. I’m always amazed by how it polishes my writing, though I adjust its suggestions to keep my voice.

Around 10:30 PM, Mom called me for dinner, which I ate in silence. Heavy-eyed, I still managed to upload the past entries before writing tonight’s.

I miss her all day, despite the busy schedule. She feels part of me, so I see reminders of her everywhere. When my niece shopped, I pictured Cucii in a pink blazer. I know she’d tease me that it looks like old lady garment.

I miss you, Cucii. Forever yours.

19th October 2025

It's Sunday, the day before Diwali, and I wake up at 10:00 AM. I was reluctant to rise today; the exhaustion of the last three days wanted me to stay in bed.

I knew I had to clean my room because of the instructions my mother gave me yesterday. I started cleaning without taking a bath, knowing I would get dirty while I worked.

I began with the shelves, working from the top down, sweeping dust off several boxes. There were different suitcases, and one was Cucii’s.

I remember I took that suitcase once, and since then it has stayed with me; a crack had already formed in it, but I kept it anyway. Last Diwali my mother told me to remove it, yet I wanted to hold on to it.

It is one of the few things I have of Cucii. I remembered the last time I cleaned it with a wet cloth, and today I wiped it again the same way.

This time I found the ring and some snacks I had bought for her before going to Zambia; they were still inside the luggage. I cleaned them and placed them back on the shelf.

Among other things I found the motorized razor she bought for me and the purse. I cleaned those too and put them back inside the suitcase.

I seldom use either now; the razor still works, and I stopped carrying the purse after 2019. In India we use physical money less often, so I don’t keep a purse much anymore; even in Zambia I didn’t carry one. I used cards for purchases, mostly for beer and to withdraw taxi money, I remember.

Around 5:00 PM I finished cleaning, including the doors and windows of the house. Before bathing I had to apply ground turmeric, horse gram, and mustard oil to my body — a ritual my mother insists on the day before Diwali; few people do it now, but my MOM makes me.

I bathed around 5:00 PM and ate afterward; I don’t know whether to call it lunch or dinner, but I had food. By 7:00 PM I was ready to go to the market with my father to buy things required for the puja the next day.

We returned from the market at 10:00 PM; the market was very crowded. I told my parents I wanted to sleep because I was very tired, then went inside my room and locked the door from within.

I wanted to meditate because I hoped to meet my Cucii there; I tried to meditate for an hour but fell asleep. This is where the day ended for me.

Happy Diwali to you, Cucii. Please forgive me.

20th October 2025

It's around 11:00 AM. I didn’t mean to wake up this late — I rose early but kept falling back asleep until finally I was up at 11:00 AM.

My task for today was simple: decorate the door with leaves and flowers. I had bought the leaves and flowers yesterday evening at the market.

I remembered Cucii telling me once that she does the same during festivals, though they use red paper instead of leaves. I thought if Cucii were with me this time we would have done it together.

My thoughts wandered. I imagined if she had been here, we would have bought ornaments on Dhanteras when we purchased the gold coin. Things would have been so different. We would have travelled to many places for holidays and enjoyed every Sunday together instead of me wandering aimlessly now.

By around 2:00 PM I finished the decorations. I had lunch at about 3:00 PM; the food was oilier than usual, and I wondered how Cucii would have managed it if she were here.

At 4:00 PM I started meditating and today I saw Cucii. She was walking in the streets wearing a black dress. I couldn’t see her face clearly, but it felt like she was in a market in China.

I opened my room at about 5:30 PM and began preparing for the puja: sweets and flowers, the gold we bought, and the goddess Lakshmi’s picture. In our tradition we don’t offer non-vegetarian food to the gods; we offer milk and curds instead. The worship continued until around 8:30 or 9:00 PM.

We stay awake until midnight as a ritual, waiting for goddess Lakshmi to enter our home, the goddess of wealth and prosperity. At 10:00 PM my niece wanted to burst crackers, but we couldn’t do it near the building because a neighbour passed away recently. I took her near the colony gate so she could light a few there. I’ve long lost interest in crackers, like I lost interest in Holi.

My mother, my niece, and I started a movie. When it grew boring, we talked about the past — about my mother’s childhood and how Diwali was celebrated fifty years ago. We spoke about many things.

One thing my mother said stood out: “You’re going to China this time. Bring Lakshmi home and don’t do anything foolish.” I smiled and nodded, while my thoughts churned inside. I’m going without any expectation of meeting her; I only want to feel the place where we met and wait, in the hope that one day Cucii might feel my love again. We in India used to tell the daughter in laws as Lakshmi (the goddess), it's kind of respectful notation which my mother means.

I prayed that if it is good for Cucii, God would help us meet. I washed the utensils to help my mother — something I’ve been doing regularly for the past four or five days. I used to do it sometimes, but now I’ve been consistent.

We finished everything around midnight and went to sleep at 1:00 AM. Time feels strange; it’s as if Zambia was only yesterday, though that trip was in February and now it is October and Diwali.

I also watch a lot of astrology now, and when I see mine, I always look for signs about Cucii. The prediction said she would receive money this year through the career — perhaps a commission or a new job.

This is where my day ends. Happy Diwali again, Cucii. I missed you a lot today.

21st October 2025

I woke up at 1:30 PM not because I was sleepy but because I did not want to face the day; I know this can be a sign of depression from the videos and articles I’ve seen. I quickly completed my routine tasks and had lunch around 3:00 PM.

After lunch I grabbed the car keys and went out for a drive. I don’t want depression to take over me now because it pushes me to message and text Rose, and I don’t want to keep disturbing her with my messages. I drove fast because it made me feel like I was leaving the past behind, though the memories always catch up as soon as I stop or slow down. I smoked two cigarettes while driving and took the same road I used to take to the office even though I haven’t been going there.

Around 6:00 PM I was back home; I called the consultant while driving and he asked me for my photos. I have to give him my passport on the 23rd. I started meditating at about 6:30 PM and continued for an hour, but I couldn't concentrate despite trying.

After that I watched reels on my phone and had dinner by 10:30 PM. After dinner I applied for various jobs on LinkedIn until I got sleepy at 1:00 AM. I also looked at Cucii’s pictures several times on my website and on Facebook. The day ends once more, and I missed her a lot again today. 

22nd October 2025

Today was an office day and I woke up at around 9:00 AM and asked the driver to bring my colleagues to my home since one of the drivers had taken leave. They reached home at 9:45 AM but I was not ready, so I told them to leave and said I would drive myself and be at the office.

At around 10:30 AM I started for the office. My colleague told me that most of the teams from Microsoft and Siemens were not available because they were still taking Diwali leave. I said let’s finish anything pending and wrap up by lunch since I did not expect much work to remain.

At 12:30 PM I started back for home; I had to buy mushrooms and some snacks for home, but finding mushrooms was difficult today because many market stalls were closed and the stores did not have any. It took me one hour to find them and at around 2:00 PM I was at home with everything they had requested.

In India only white button mushrooms are commonly available and sometimes oyster and milky mushrooms. Rose always used to bring dried brown shiitake mushrooms and they tasted very good. I also used to like the mushroom pickle made in China, which I used to get in Jinan. We had lunch at around 3:00 PM and since I was not feeling well, I went to sleep.

Today I had to drop my niece at her home, so I woke up at 5:30 PM. I got into an argument with my mom; it was nothing major, I was scolding my niece for being lazy and my mom intervened and the argument started because she said the niece had only come for a few days. I got angry and locked myself in my room. I understand at this stage she should be active and not lazy.

The plan to go to my sister’s home was cancelled and I started meditation again at 6:30 PM; I continued until 8:40 PM. I also saw her; I saw her again getting off a bus, wearing a light top and faded blue jeans that were very broad at the bottom. Her glasses frame looked brown, not red, as I had thought earlier.

I don’t know what is true, but I like meeting her in my dreams and these days I do a lot of meditation because it calms my craziness and lets me meet her. It may be just dreams and not reality, but at least I meet her there. I have only that place left where I can meet my Cucii.

I don’t know if I will ever meet her in person again, but now it doesn’t matter. If she is happy without meeting me, that is better than forcing an encounter. I miss you a lot and will keep that feeling with me.

23rd October 2025

Today felt different. I woke at 8:30 a.m. and the lazy part of me held on to the bed until 10:30 a.m., until the practical part reminded me, we have to work for money. The day was full of errands, the most important being passport submission for a visa.

I finished my usual cleaning and set out for Hyderabad. When I checked the location for submission, I realized it was Towli Chowki. I laughed at myself and told the driver to take the PV Narsimha flyover. He looked surprised and asked why, since I usually get off at Mehndi‑patnam. I explained we needed to get off before Towli Chowki and take a left toward the office. He understood and noted it.

On the way I tried to meditate and kept resisting the urge to smoke. I have felt short of breath since yesterday after smoking, so I’m trying to avoid cigarettes. We reached the consultant’s office around 12:30 p.m. The conversation felt warm and familiar despite this being our first meeting, because we had talked so much the previous week on phone calls. I asked if he could reduce the consultancy fee; he didn’t. I asked when the visa would be ready and he said he would confirm before Monday. He requested my photos, and of course I had forgotten them. I told him I’d bring them within an hour and he agreed.

I asked the driver to take the inside road in search of a photo studio rather than the main road. He warned it would be crowded but agreed to check and promised to go inside if we couldn’t find a studio on the main road. As we drove, I noticed the Reliance store where Cucii used to buy vegetables and the Bajaj store where she had gotten an iPhone. I remembered walking that road with her, though only a few times because we often went to Inorbit or GMR mall.

When I saw Usharam Integra and the shops near Grande Villa, I asked the driver to take a U‑turn into the inside road. We found a photo studio and got the visa photos in five minutes; the clarity was about eighty percent, but they were enough. We returned to the consultant and handed over the pictures.

I had another discussion with the regulatory authority of CEIG and then phoned the vendor. He invited me to lunch, and we went to a nearby restaurant. I told him about my medical symptoms, and he said he had seen a doctor three weeks ago for the same issue; it turned out to be blood pressure related. His symptoms sounded similar to mine, so I decided to see a general physician and try one of the doctors he recommended.

After lunch, around 4:00 p.m., we prepared to leave because one document we were waiting for from the Microsoft team had not arrived. I took a pill of blood pressure he carries, after we smoked; I can’t tell yet whether it helped. On the way home at about 4:30 p.m., my mind drifted back to old days and the small, ordinary moments that keep arriving in my memory.

I reached home at 6:00 p.m. and scrolled through mobile reels until 8:30 p.m. I noticed the fake birthday wishes—22 October is listed everywhere as the official date, even on Facebook—and found myself oddly grateful for them. After dinner I tried to meditate but couldn’t focus well.

I feel a strange finality lately, as if I have started a slow process of leaving. I hope my remaining days will keep me close to Cucii. I also have to get checked before traveling to China, so I’ll search for a doctor online tomorrow.

My day ends here. I miss you, Cucii.

24th October 2025

Today starts at 10:00 AM when I checked my heartbeat and found it normal.

I called the hospital for an appointment and got one for 2:30 PM. Later I remembered that I had forgotten my medical insurance, so I decided not to go to the hospital today and to go on Wednesday instead.

Today I will finalise my medical insurance first. I cleaned up and drove to the office. I reviewed different insurance policies and compared prices. I then finalised with Tata AIG medical insurance and purchased it around 4:00 PM.

I forgot to take my lunch today. My father called me to go to my sister’s home to drop off my niece. I started for home immediately after completing my health insurance, but the plan to go to my sister’s home was cancelled again.

At home I am watching a web series, and much is happening in my mind. I will tell you more in my diary tomorrow because today I am not able to get hold of my thoughts. Her memory is hurting me a lot today. Miss you, Cucii.